Another Contender for Worst Album Cover

I think all the male hugging is really upsetting the guy in front. He looks really scared. The guy in the middle looks kind of into it though. He's the cream in his man-dream Oreo.

Quite Possibly the World's Worst Album Cover

Note to You Dumb College-Age Motherfuckers: Albums are what we had before music CDs.

Note to Those Younger than College Age: You shouldn't be reading this blog. Fuck off.


Basically, I think it's fairly safe to say that Roger has only one facet and it's crack user.

Psychotic Chihuahua

I love animals that are just randomly meaner than hell. I especially adore psychotic chihuahuas and randomly attacking cats (hence, my love of the Disdainful One).

Here is an excellent example of the first category.

Fergie Has Acheived Her Ideal Weight Goal!

She dropped fifteen pounds. Now, maybe she can do something about her damn meth face. Also, she oughta fix those sandals. They look like she made them out of road cones.

I know, I know--I'm an EXTRA BIG CRABBY MEAN BITCH today because I had to get up and come to work a half hour early. Trust me, I'm taking it out on all my co-workers, too. Lucky them!

Twitter is for Damn Retards

Twitter is taking America by storm. It's for fucking retards. I rest my case.

I'm not the President, therefore, I can say what I want about retarded people. So fuck you.

You know why Twitter is taking America by storm? Americans have the attention spans of fruit flies, that's why. Don't look at me. I'm Jamaican, mon, at least in spirit.

Fug Doll of the Month

Yes, it's a Newman-Breen, motherfuckers. How did you guess? I think this hot piece of fug is supposed to be Joan Crawford.

No more wire hangers EVER! I chase the Asshole Licker around and yell, "NO MORE WIRE HANGER EVER!" a lot. She loves that shit. It's thrilling!

Self-Important Quote of the Day

"He's a great actor, and if you hire him, you'll get a good performance. I'm just not going to give a guy who gives aid and comfort to people like [Iran president Mahmoud] Ahmadinejad, Hugo Chavez and Saddam Hussein, when he was alive, my 10 bucks. That's my right as an American. It's a personal decision. I don't tell people how to vote or how to spend their money. I don't tell people how to do anything. In America, you decide for yourself. We don't endorse anybody here or promote a political party, which is why we've been so successful." (yeah, right)

--that dumbass Bill O'Reilly on Sean Penn

I'll bet Sean will cry himself to sleep tonight.

Ain't Enough Coffee in Ohio this Morning

SB came in early today because I have to take the Disdainful One's ass to the vet again tonight after work. I am suffering, suffering, mon. I am currently immersed in a biography of Bob Marley, and I watched several documentataries on him over the weekend. So now I am going around talking like a Jamaican, mon.

I am a tired, grouchy Jamaican this morning. Antidepressants give you bad dreams. At least, me they do. I am always being chased around in dreams or having to murder a bad guy, and I wake up tired. Will Smith I ain't. They are VERY VIVID dreams, too.

No Woman No Cry

Here's some church music for you to start your day. Well, at least the church SB worships at. Jah Rastafari!

Weimaraner Reacts to Farts

The viddy below is hysterical. Ginger, the Asshole Licker, is the most flatulent dog you have EVER heard. I wanted to name her Sorrow, after the flatulent dog in The Hotel New Hampshire, but Mr. SB spoiled the damn fun and wouldn't let me.

Sometimes, when the Asshole Licker is going up or down the stairs, she lets out a whole explosive chain of farts. I have to laugh.

If Mr. SB or I fart (it happens people), ironically, Ginger gets scared and runs upstairs. She is afraid of the farts of others. When we got her at the shelter, they mentioned that she had been abused. Perhaps this abuse involved farts.

50 Animals with Drinking Problems

The Asshole Licker (Ginger) has a little problem with the beer. She's German, people, cut her a damn break!

Link to 50 Animals with Drinking Problems: http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/03/17/50-animals-with-drinking-problems/

Boomtown Rats: I Don't Like Mondays

I know it's retarded, but this is the song that was in my head all morning. Happy Friday!

Struggling Writer Quote

"He's a doctor" sounds a lot better than "he's a struggling writer who doesn't make enough money to pay his own electric bill, but he sure can be charming if he thinks he's going to get a free meal out of it."

--Eric Spitznagel

Big Squat on the Picket Line

For Steve.

Vote for the Most Gorgeous Bitch in the SB Poll!

Hurry, there are only 6 days left to vote in the Sarcastic Bastard Most Gorgeous Bitch poll! Act now. If Mercer or Pete Burns don't win, SB is going to be a mite pissy. BE WARNED.

SO VOTE (for the right candidate), MOTHERFUCKERS! HURRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More Kraut Cuss Words (das Fluchen) for Alec B.

[Incidentally Alec, here's what you have to look forward to, entertainment-wise, in Germany. Lucky you!]

As requested, here are some more German das Fluchen with sample sentences.

Arschgesicht = Assface

Use a damn turn signal, you Arschgesicht piece of shit!

Fick deine Mutter = fuck your mother

Fick deine Mutter, Arschgesicht!

Big Squat: Post Dedicated to My Brother

I just read this really funny story on a Bigfoot conference by Eric Spitznagel of Vonnegut's Asshole. Of course, every time I see a TV show or read an article on Bigfoot/Sasquatch, I have to think of my brother, Steve.

Steve swears to this day that he encountered a miniature Bigfoot when he was out roaming the woods as a boy, hunting. It's become something of a family joke, and we are always giving Steve a hard time over encountering Little Big Squat.

I don't know what my brother saw on that day in the woods. I'm making no judgements on that shit. Only he knows. Well, obviously Little Big Squat, who now may be a grown Sasquatch, also knows. Do you suppose that big hairy fucker is still wondering what the hell he saw that day in the woods? (I'm talking Sasquatch, not Steve, here, people. Stay with me, it's not that hard!)

Anyhoo, this post is dedicated to Steve, who is WAY TOO DAMN FAR AWAY in Massachusetts now, with his cherubic daughter and sweet, good-humored, long-suffering wife, Beth. And frankly, I fucking hate it.

Here is an excerpt from Spitznagel's article, in case some of you motherfuckers are too damn lazy to click on the link at the bottom of this entry to read the entire article.

Fahrenbach went into great detail about the sexual habits of a Sasquatch. As it turns out, Bigfoot doesn't just have a healthy libido, he's also a filthy pervert. Fahrenbach claimed that the creature has been observed spying on human women in the shower, and would cry loudly if his view was obstructed. He also described their fondness for gangbangs, assuring us that even a horny Sasquatch has impeccably good manners when it comes to orgy etiquette.

"When an especially large male came onto the scene," Fahrenbach said, describing a sexual pileup involving one willing female and lots of dudes, "he didn't try to buck the line but simply stood there and took his turn in good time."

Somewhere in the back row, a woman turned to her husband and whispered, "I can't tell if he's kidding."

Link to Spitznagel's Bigfoot conference story: http://vonnegutsasshole.blogspot.com/2009/01/everythings-bigfoot-in-texas.html

The Crappiest Generation

The Greatest Generation gets too much credit. Those World War II guys, if they had all the shit we have today, they'd be assholes too. It's just circumstantial. It's what you're called on to do that makes you great. We haven't been called on to do anything but buy shit and get fat. Even after 9/11, during the darkest moment of our recent history, the President told us, “Go shopping.” That's how we were told to uphold American values; go out and fucking buy more shit. So what were we supposed to do?

--Louis C. K.

A Salute to Chicken Salad

Currently my favorite food. I eat the damn stuff daily, BUT ONLY ON WONDER BREAD! SB does not like the healthy whole wheat crap. Chicken salad on white Wonder Bread. Luscious, as Grandma Peg would say. Luscious!

The Last McSupper

She's a Talker by Neil Goldberg

I totally stole this clip from Michael at Dlisted (link on right), a blog I read daily. I'm not sure why it's so compelling, because it's like 100 gay men brushing their damn cats and saying the same thing, but I love it! SB is fascinated by any human activity that has little or no meaning. That's why I watched the ENTIRE republican convention.

Mercer, the Queen of this Damn Blog, isn't such a talker so much as a DISDAINER. And I have already embraced the fact that I am going to die the neighborhood cat lady (like these gay men), and no one will notice I am dead and so the cats will have to eat my body (including my eyeballs) in order to live. Maybe if the smell starts to drift into the hallway, or the mail backs up, one of my estranged neighbors will call the po-pos. Then the cats will all go to the Humane Society, where they will be old and catergorized as "people eaters" and no one will want to adopt them (everybody always wants a damn kitten). Then, my pussies will all be euthanized humanely. They always say "euthanized humanely." But it really means gassed. There is nothing humane about that shit.

Shawn Mullins: Beautiful Wreck

This is SB's favorite song of late.

Learning German Cuss Words

I think German is the ugliest, most gutteral language in the world, and quite frankly, I hate it. But, it does make me laugh, and my stepson is learning German currently. Also, one of my kids is German (see photo).

And besides, SB sort of collects foreign cuss words. You just never know when you're going to need to curse a foreign bitch out.

So here is today's German curse word.

der Schwanz = dick

Sentence usage: Der schwanz is hanging out, you moron. Zip that shit up! Do you want to get arrested?

Sorry, but I don't know enough German to write complete sentences. Notice it doesn't stop me though.

Bayesian Scam Spam

SB has gotten this scam spam the past week running. Not only is it grammatically fucked, it is ironic to me that they are trying to scam me by appealing to my sense of Christian duty. Of course, the moment that I saw how bad and broken the English is, I had to read THE ENTIRE THING. It made me laugh. I particularly like the mile-long name: Mrs. Helene Heather Thomson Sneddon. Sounds all highbrow and hoity, which I guess is the point.

In case any of you motherfuckers are stupid, don't send the information. THIS IS A SCAM. I REPEAT--THIS IS A SCAM!

Dearly Beloved in Christ,

Calvary greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, I am Mrs. Helene Heather Thomson Sneddon, I am a nationality of Canada , I grew up in Iraq and I am also presently hospitalized in Baghdad Iraq , due to my illness. Presently, I'm with my laptop in this Hospital, where I have been undergoing treatment of cancer for over one year.

My husband was once the Managing Director of Shell Oil Company in Iraq , where I and my husband spent most of our lives I am a widow to Late Mr. Mark Thomson Sneddon. I have served the Lord all through my life, from long time cancer of the breast to a very critical stroke. From all indications, my condition is serious and is quite obvious that I may not live more than six months, because the cancer stage has gotten to a very severe state and my doctor has told me this The one that disturbs me most is the stroke that paralyzed half of my body.

My late husband was killed during his reign as the Managing Director of Shell Oil Company in Iraq , and during the period of our marriage we had a son who was also killed along with his father through food poison in Shell Oil Company convention of 2006 in Baghdad .

My late husband was very wealthy and after his death, I inherited all His business and wealth. Presently my doctor told me that I may not live for more than six months, though I am not scared about this, I am not afraid of death, hence I will be in the bosom of the Lord forever, any time my God calls me home, I now decided to look for an organization or an individual who is God fearing, that will use the funds for charity organization, by contributing to the development of evangelism in the world, assisting motherless babes homes and poor churches all over the world.

I selected you after browsing the Internet for this purpose and prayed over it, for the fact that I always go to God in prayers in situation like this, because He is the Alfa and Omega. I am willing to donate all the money I have in the bank, which is Ђ25,000,000.00 (Twenty Five Million Euros) to you for the development of evangelism and also as aids for the less privileged around you.

Please note that this funds is lying with a Bank in Madrid Spain , where I and my husband deposited the funds along with our family lawyer. My family Lawyer will file an immediate application for the transfer of the money in your name.

Please, do not reply me if you have the intention of using this funds for personal use, you will have a reasonable percentage of the total funds when the funds gets to your custody, before investing the remainder of the funds for God`s works.

Lastly, I want you and your church to keep praying for me regarding my health, because I have come to find out that wealth acquisition with out Jesus Christ in one's life, is vanity upon vanity. If you have to die says the Lord, keep fit and I will give you the crown of life.
SEND ME YOUR INFORMATION FOR THE ANTTORNY TO CONTART WITH YOU.

FILL THE FORM BELOW:

FULL NAMES:
ADRESS:
COUNTRY:
TELEPHONE:
FAX:
MOBILE:
MARITAL STATUS:
SEX:
AGE:
OCCUPATION:
NATIONALITY:
EMAIL:

will plead with you to please reply this email to mrshelene.thomsonsneddon@gmail.com because the one I used in writing you is not secured, so please respond to mrshelene.thomsonsneddon@gmail.com as you do that God Almighty would bless you.

May the Grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the sweet fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you now and forever more, amen.

Kindly reply to mrshelene.thomsonsneddon@gmail.com

God bless you.

In His service,

Mrs. Helene Heather Thomson Sneddon.
24/03/2009

Scary Jesus of the Month

From Our Lady of Perpetual Skinned Knees Catholic Church. Looks like the Jeez had a roller-blading accident.

Plath's Son, Nicholas, Commits Suicide

I remember Kurt Vonnegut saying something once about being the son of a suicide. He considered suicide himself (as most of us do) and even attempted it once, but in the end, he figured it was a poor example to set for his children. Kurt said that as the child of a suicided parent, in the back of your mind, whenever you have a problem, you consider suicide as one possible option.

Lost your job? Commit suicide. Wrecked the car? Commit suicide.

I'm not sure why, but I have always remembered that. The article below from the NY Post certainly makes one wonder. God bless you, Nicholas. Good journey.

Plath's Son in Suicide
By HILLEL ITALIE, AP

Nicholas Hughes committed suicide at his home in Fairbanks, Alaska, last week 46 years after his mom, poet Sylvia Plath, killed herself. He was 47.

From the time Plath died in February 1963, her husband, poet Ted Hughes, tried to protect their children, Frieda and Nicholas, from their mother's fate and fame.

He burned the final volume of her journals, angering scholars and fans, and waited years to fill his kids in on the details of her suicide.

And only near the end of his own life, in his "Birthday Letters" poems, did he share his side of modern poetry's ill-starred couple.

"In 1963, you were hit even harder than me," Ted wrote Nicholas in 1998, mere months before dying of cancer. "But you will have to deal with it, just as I have had to."

Plath became a cult figure through the novel "The Bell Jar," about a suicidal young woman.

Nicholas Hughes, who never married and had no children, hanged himself on March 16, State Troopers said. A fisheries biologist, he spent more than a decade on the University of Alaska-Fairbanks faculty but left about a year ago.

Frieda Hughes told The Times of London that her brother, who was younger than she, "had been battling depression for some time."

Nicholas Hughes earned his master's from the University of Oxford and his doctorate from the University of Alaska. At the time of his death, he was involved in a study of king salmon.

"I would really like to see him recognized in his own right, not just as the son of two famous people," said friend Mark Wipfli, an aquatic ecologist at the University of Alaska.

"He was an incredibly wonderful person."

It Must Be Nice To Be a Retired Motherfucker

It must be nice to be a retired motherfucker, wear shorts with socks, and have the time to teach a damn dog how to play basketball. (Okay, so it's cute--not the shorts and socks--the damn dog--stay with me here. It's not that hard, motherfuckers!)

You can bet in his spare time, when he's not making like Bobby Knight with the canine, this same guy is holding up some productive working motherfucker at the Kroger while he chats to the cashier or the deli chick or the sushi guy. You can also bet this geriatric motherfucker is one of the old cranks trying to be new-fangled, working up some balls to try and figure out how the self-check out works and then taking 20 minutes to ring up, bag, and pay for one damn container of Metamucil. BECAUSE THIS FUCKER IS RETIRED, AND THAT MEANS HE HAS ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD. ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!

SB filled out a 401-K form the other day that asked my retirement age. My ass seriously put 99. I meant that shit, too! George W. Bush fucked any chance I had of being able to retire EVER. Now, that illiterate fucker is writing his memoirs for millions of dollars. I suggest the title: How I Ruined an Entire Country or Shit for Brains: The George W. Bush Story. Here is an exclusive peekaloo at a partial Table of Contents only for Sarcastic Bastard readers.

Chapter 1: I Got Drunk
Chapter 2: I Got Drunk
Chapter 3: I went Too Yail, Got Drunk, and Nearly Flunkt Out
Chapter 4: I Ruint an Oil Company
Chapter 5: How I Fuckt the World's Good Will Away After 9/11

[Can you tell I am still bitter????]

Kitties Hate Mermaids

Yeah, me too. That bitch is fug.

Monday Morrissey

This is a fairly disfunctional/stalkerish song that SB really digs. The more you ignore me, the closer I get. You're wasting your time.

I still say Morrissey is a GODDAMN LYRICAL GENIUS!

Jehovah's Witlesses: Part of the Unique American Experience

The asshole licker (Ginger) scared off a pair of lady Jehovah's Witlesses this morning. They were a couple of VERY STERN looking black women. Ginger always goes ballistic when someone shows up at the door--doesn't matter who. She even goes ballistic when Mr. SB comes home from work at night. Then, when he comes in the house, she runs upstairs and hides. But, she DOES sound ferocious.

I couldn't even get the outer door open to talk to the grim Witlesses. The asshole licker kept hopping up and down on her back legs. I said, "I'm sorry ladies [I really wasn't], but there is just no way [pointing at the hopping asshole licker]. Besides, I'm a humanist."

Well, if looks could kill. The one STERNEST black lady was having NONE OF THIS HUMANIST BULLSHIT. She really truly frightened me. She just glowered at me like there was a VERY BAD taste in her mouth.

After I closed the front door, I praised the asshole licker for being a good dog and scaring the Witlesses off. I gave her a treat and patted her head. GOOD DOG.

The Moms has an interesting tactic with the Jehovah's Witlesses. She believes in honesty, so she hands them their literature back and tells them she'll only throw it out. "I won't read this," she tells them. "So let's not waste it. You can give it to somebody who might actually read it."

I love my mother.

If You Have a Problem with Nudity, Sit this One Out

Even though SB doesn't like seeing herself naked in the mirror, I have absolutely NO problem with seeing other pretty people naked. If you are not offended by graphic nudity (and I do mean graphic), check this out. I found it highly amusing.

via videosift.com

British Family Too Fucking Fat to Work Want More Welfare Money

What a fine example these parents are setting for the kiddies! They want more dole money so they can buy more Cheez Whiz and Cheese Doodles and frozen pepperoni pizza and Coke. At least dad has the sense(?) to wear a loose-fitting shirt. Why do fat women always want to wear skin-tight shirts that show their belly rolls? DISGUSTING. These hos should all be wearing shirts like the daddums has on.

And don't any of you Big Beautiful Bullshit ladies start writing hateful shit in the comments section about SB being a sizeist either! I SURE AS FUCK AM. And when I'm "on the chub" as the Moms would say, I wear a big loose shirt. I don't accentuate my fat, motherfuckers!
D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G.

Check out the Telegraph article on this family of fat lazy fuckwits (thanks Alec): http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/5004431/Family-who-are-too-fat-to-work-say-22000-worth-of-benefits-is-not-enough.html

Excerpt from Vonnegut's Asshole: Andy

This is an excerpt from Eric Spitznagel and Vonnegut's Asshole that I particularly enjoyed. When I brought it over, the paragraph structure was fucked up. I'll do the best I can with it. Enjoy and have a great weekend, people!

[Excerpt]

There was this kid that lived in my neighborhood. Andy, I think his name was. He wasn't technically retarded, but he did act a little bizarre. He had water on the brain or something. He had to wear a bike helmet all the time because his head was so huge.

Our parents told us, "Be nice to Andy because the doctors don't expect him to live very long."

But we didn't need a reason to treat Andy as a friend. He was always very sweet, if a little slow. And his mother gave him copies of Playboy Magazine - I assume because she thought he was going to die soon and would never have the chance to see real boobies - and Andy let us look at them.

When I got too old to deliver newspapers anymore, Andy took over for me, even though he could barely ride a bike without falling. During his first year, I'm not exactly sure what happened, but he got hit by truck. It wasn't fatal, thank god, but it gave his parents a scare. They wanted him to give up the paper route, but he refused. He just loved it too much.

Exactly one year later, Andy got into another accident with yet another truck. Once again, he walked away with just a few bumps and bruises, but that wasn't the remarkable part anymore. I mean really, what are the odds of getting hit by two trucks in two years?

My family eventually moved to the suburbs of Chicago, but we still visited our old neighborhood every summer. During one trip - I think it was my summer break from college - I ran into Andy again, and I was shocked that he was still alive. We'd been told he wouldn't survive junior high school, but here he was in his early 20s, still bouncing with energy and wearing that same battered bicycle helmet.

The doctors were perplexed, but everybody in town thought it was a miracle. I said hello to Andy and asked him how he was. He smiled at me with a big impish grin and said, "I got hit by a truck!" As I learned later, Andy was still delivering papers and had been involved in a head-on collision - always with a truck - every year for almost a decade. The locals had come to expect it."Andy's been hit by another truck? Well, spring must be just around the corner."

Somehow he always survived without any serious injuries, which just made his stubborn refusal to die prematurely, as his doctors had predicted, all the more freaky.

Last year I heard that he'd been hit by another truck - no surprises there - but this time it had killed him. I'm not sure of the exact tally, but I think it took around twenty-three truck collisions to finally finish the job. So much for being a miracle of science, huh?

(Pause, waits for laugh.)

Yeah, uh... I guess that's kinda sad. It seemed funny at the time.

Vonnegut's Asshole

I ran across a blog titled Vonnegut's Asshole (wish I'd thought of it myself). Of course, I had to check it out. It is by a guy named Eric Spitznagel. It just so happens that the entry I read is one of the funniest, most enjoyable reads SB has had in awhile. I will be reading this guy's blog regularly.

If you care to check it out, here is the link: http://vonnegutsasshole.blogspot.com/2008/11/everything-was-beautiful-and-nothing.html

Very highly recommended.

He Did It for Science, People! That Makes It Okay.

Very funny article by Grant Stoddard on an experiment in trying to fuck a Real Doll, in the name of science, below. It was nice of Grant to sacrifice to further mankind's knowledge base, don't you think? I still think the whole fucking-a-Real-Doll idea is yucky, and that's SB's scientific opinion.

I don't think I need to point out that this article is probably NSFW, since I don't think I have any dumb motherfuckers for readers and also because my whole site is probably NSFW. If you are, perchance, a dumb motherfucker, consider yourself warned.

Link to Nerve article: http://www.nerve.com/regulars/ididitforscience/sexdoll/

The Goddamn Heater Stopped Working

Hi, kiddies! It's been a challenging morning here in Fuckall, Ohio. When my ass woke up this morning and went to jack up the heat in the house, the fuck-fucking-fucker would not come on. We have forced-air heat, and yes, I checked the breaker. It was on. Trouble is, Mr. SB is out of town on a business trip in beautiful Mormonfuck, Utah again. And the Daddums (the other man in my life) is still out in sunny Arizona at the Retirement Park of Nirvana. So, well, that leaves me slightly cold until late on Saturday night, when Mr. SB is due back. Thank God for the electric blanket, and thank God this didn't happen in fucking February or something.

So, this morning I ran a little late getting into work because I was knitting a sweater for Mercer. I will post pictures soon.

I don't know what this picture has to do with anything. It just illustrated COLD, alright?

AIG in One Sentence

One sentence: Off with their heads, anyone?

A Literate Pussy

This literate pussy reminds me of Mercer, the Queen of this Damn Blog! Mercer is especially literate. That ho is always reading over my shoulder. She thinks War and Peace is the big suck, too. Two pussy phalanges down!

Tribute to the Dude

Because the Dude is who SB asprires to be--well, okay--a female version of the Dude and NOT a Dudette either, because I HATE that retarded fucking short bus of a word.

Trucks Vs. Bridge (Hint: Bridge Wins)

Trucks Vs Bridge - Watch more Funny Videos

This is some fucked up shit. THESE FUCK DRIVERS WERE HAVING A VERY BAD DAY! Suckorama.

Boycott Hershey

Below is a Vox Populi comment in the Savannah Morning News today. I certainly won't be buying Hershey's products anymore.

"Hershey is closing its York Peppermint Patties division and moving it to Monterrey, Mexico. What better message can we send to Hershey than by not buying them? With nearly 300 American jobs lost, just don't buy them."

Boycott the Hershey's! Hershey's chocolate sucks anyway. Just buy the good imported Italian shit like me. Just kidding. Kidding.

Savannah Does St. Patrick's

It's one of the biggest days of the year for my home folks. Have fun y'all!

Vote Motherfuckers!

In honor of Pete Burns, Queen of Gorgeous Glam, SB has started a new poll on the right side of this blog. AND PETE HAD BETTER WIN, TOO! (Or Mercer--either one--Pete or Mercer--both Queens of Gorge).

Pete, we love you, and we wish you a speedy recovery! We also hope you get some lovely drugs in hospital!!

NOW VOTE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

[Admittedly, Bobby Trendy is a tough act to follow. He sort of personifies the Glam. And also, Bobby HATES Howard Stern, and SB bets he is one happy motherfucker to see Howard indicted this week. Comments from Bobby T. welcome!]

Very Upsetting News

I've had some very unhappy news that His Highness of Gorgeousness, Pete Burns, is in the hospital with some very serious kidney problems. We wish Pete a speedy recovery! I will say my prayers for Pete tonight. Yes, I say prayers sometimes. So fuck you.

Link to disturbing news about my darling Pete at dlisted: http://dlisted.com/node/31182

Tamp Vamp

In these economic times, even vampires can't afford to waste food! Things are tough all over, motherfuckers!

Chimp Fuckery is Costly

Here's an update from the NY Post on the chimp attack victim lady.

CHIMP ATTACK VICTIM'S FAMILY SUES FOR $50 MILLION

The family of a Connecticut woman brutally mauled last month by a 200-pound chimp that went bonkers is seeking a staggering $50 million in damages against the primate's owner.

Charla Nash's relatives filed a lawsuit in Stamford Superior Court today against Sandra Herold, which accuses her of negligence and recklessness for owning "a wild animal with violent propensities, even though she lacked sufficient skill, strength and/or experience to subdue the chimpanzee with necessary."

The Cleveland Clinic in Ohio, where Nash is currently being treated, said the 55-year-old woman lost her nose, lips, eyelids and hands during the Feb. 16 attack in Stamford.

Doctors said Nash, who remains medically sedated in critical condition, also suffered brain damage and may be a candidate for a face transplant due to her extensive injuries.

Herold told police immediately after the incident that the pet, named Travis, was rambunctious that day and that she gave it Xanax, a drug prescribed to people for anxiety, to calm him down.
She called Nash to her home because the chimpanzee had gotten out of the house and Herold needed help getting him back inside.

Herold, 70, has since said she did not give the primate Xanax.

The 15-year-old chimp was eventually shot and killed by police, who are weighing whether to file criminal charges against Herold.

Joseph Gerardi, a lawyer representing Herold, would only say that his client was named as a defendant in the legal documents.

Travis, a former TV star, had appeared in commercials for Coca-Cola and Old Navy.

Travis lived like most people - and even took his own bath and drank wine from a stemmed glass. He also brushed his teeth and watched TV.

Connecticut cops had dealt with Travis in the past, including a 2003 incident when he escaped from his owners' vehicle in downtown Stamford for two hours.

During that incident, police officers used cookies, macadamia nuts and ice cream in an attempt to lure him - but eventually subdued him only after he became too tired to resist.

[End Article]

The cookies and ice cream would have done it for SB. Cookies are my favorite! I'd blow the garbage man for home-baked chocolate chip cookies! Kidding. Just kidding. No cookie-wielding garbage men need apply.

Big Shout Out To the St. Pat's Revellers in Savannah!

May all you lucky revellers have a beautiful, sunny, safe, and very drunken day! I wish you all mild hangovers and much craic! SB is with you in spirit. I will be with you in spirits later on in the day.

Special shout out to Frank Emerson and his sidekicks down on River Street at the sublime pub of all pubs--Kevin Barry's! God bless and Happy St. Patrick's Day! Wish I were there.

Photo of Greatness

This photo of two very great actors is currently my laptop background. It's from Vanity Fair's Oscar Party.

I watched the film Milk last night, and it is highly recommended. Two thumbs up! As far as I'm concerned, Harvey Milk is an American hero and a great, great patriot. His life illustrates what one person can accomplish in changing things with great strength of character and determination. His idea of what our government here in the U.S. should stand for is mine as well. This government should represent everybody. That is how it was very intelliigently designed. It's inclusivity is our strength as a nation.

America is also a country where if you are too honest and try to accomplish too much too fast, some crackpot is going to take you out. Look at John Lennon, Martin Luther King, JFK, and Harvey Milk himself. Freedom (a word that is bandied about a lot casually and cheapened) sometimes costs. There are certain special ones among us who have paid that price, and we all benefit.

The Birds Barbie Doll

Just what every kid needs! Comes complete with attacking birds.

That Whore Paris Hilton

Well folks, looks like that whore Paris Hilton is the human being most of us would like to see wiped off the face of the Earth in the latest Sarcastic Bastard poll.

Look for a new poll in the next day or so.

This Is My Neighbor

This is SB's neighbor, Lyle. He lives behind us, and he's on the welfare. Also, I think he might be agoraphobic. He only goes outside to mow his lawn, and he uses a weed-whacker on the entire deal. It takes about four hours to do the backyard alone, but Lyle's concerned about Global Warming, which I think is really nice of him, since he doesn't go outside all that much. 

Lyle's also into feeding squirrels, although, wrongly, I always suspected he was trying to bait them so he could fry them up. This is before I read Lyle's edifying blog, which includes shit about the sanctity of wildlife and nature. I guess you can be agoraphobic, a nudist, a squirrel lover, and green all at the same time. Lyle is what you call a multifaceted individual.

SB always wondered how Lyle kept himself busy all day. This photo from his blog that I stumbled on to (frantically searched for because I'm nosy as hell) answers all that. I figured Lyle stayed somewhat busy putting lime on the bodies of the young men in his crawlspace, but I never guessed that he was also an artist! I'm guessing he made the hat himself. So that's yet another facet of Lyle--artist/musician. 

Lyle is sort of a quiet fellow, but he did say once that he wanted to be in a rock band when he was younger. Since he's inclined to agoraphobia, it was kind of a pointless dream, so now Lyle's a rock band all by hisself. He made his dream come true! So that's yet another facet of Lyle--goal-oriented.

To be honest, before I stumbled upon his blog, I just thought Lyle was a typical neighborhood pervert, with possibly dead bodies in the space under his house, who flashed the neighborhood kids. This just goes to show that you shouldn't judge others! You might be wrong. Of course, you might be right, too.

I'm thinking about maybe taking some Girl Scout cookies over to Lyle and getting to know him better, because he looks interesting. Also, he might let me play the tambourine or maracas or something, or maybe he might teach me how to make my own space man hat. Those could be yet other facets of Lyle--teacher and friend.

An Example of Really Bad Writing

I found this while perusing a hauntings blog about Ohio. I did NOT write this shit. I repeat, I did NOT write this shit. Comments in parentheses do belong to moi.

"The ghost of a lady with numbers cut into her forehead has purportedly been distinguished on many occasions by the entrance to Buck Creek State Park meditating. Local people declare that this ghost loves terrifying foolhardy folks who come trying to locate ghosts in Tipp City. Whichever way, it's a menacing ghost that is rather not disturbed. A female with worms crawling out of her nostrils may from time to time be made out strolling through a building close to Tipp City. In any case, it undeniably is a menacing ghost that you wouldn't want to come across late at night. The ghost of a lady with a switchblade in her head was perceived striding through a Tipp City area churchyard. When the viewer materialized [whaaaaaaaaaaaa?] the ghost ran off. A local resident declares that this ghost could be the spirit of a person who lived here who died here in Tipp City before the present. [Died before the present --uhhhhhhhhhmmmmm, no shit.] Regardless of what, this is an unpleasant phantom that you shouldn't go seeking."

Filed Under: Shit That Annoys Me

There is currently a radio commercial running here, locally, selling way-overpriced computers with a promise of NO CREDIT CHECK. Part of the lead up is an annoying female voice saying: "It's not your fault you have bad credit."

WHO THE FUCK'S FAULT IS IT, IF IT'S NOT MY FAULT? That's what I want to know. I guess some stranger maxed out all my damn credit cards and bought a bunch of useless cheap Chinese shit at the Wal-Mart.

IT WASN'T MY FAULT, THEREFORE, I DESERVE A DAMNED OVER-PRICED COMPUTER THAT I WILL BE PAYING FOR LONG AFTER THE FUCKING THING IS OBSOLETE!

The Cute!

I act EXACTLY LIKE THIS on the first sunny day, here in this beautiful shithole, Ohio. My friends (yes, I have a few, you fuckers) are always pulling my ass off of the highway that runs right behind our house.

By the way, there was a note with this video that said, sadly, this cute little guy was smashed across both lanes of highway shortly after this was filmed. Art fueled by death = GREAT ART.

Just kidding.

Why They Spell It Like That?

SB LOVES Reddiwip, but why they spell it like that?

Best Part: NO FAT!

Second Best Part: Great in coffee and, did I mention, NO FAT?

Consider this an appreciation of non-dairy whipped topping post. But, if there is no dairy, what is this shit made of?

TIP: Don't read the damn label.

The way SB sees it, between Reddiwip and Easy Cheese, I'm saving the loved ones the embalming fees. Thank my ass later.

Morrissey: Now My Heart Is Full

Morrissey is definitely the music for the day. Now my heart is full, and I just can't explain, so I won't even try to. I am always telling Mr. SB that Morrissey is a lyrical genius. I really do believe that. He's another Johnny Mercer. A veritable God.

War and Peace Sucks!

The cat (in the viddy below) and I are in agreement on this shit. BORING. Too damn long. Depressing Russian tome. War and Peace sucks! [But it does make a good doorstop on windy days!] End of opinion. Fuck you. I can say what I want!

Is there a Reader's Digest condensed chicken soup version of this shit? I might read that on the toilet, unless People magazine is in the magazine rack in the bathroom. I like to read crap when I'm taking a crap. If my poop shoot's being taxed (I'm constipated a lot--go figure), I don't want to strain my brain as well.

And don't you Tolstoyan fans get all irate in the comments section either. We're not turning this blog into a forum on that pretentious Russian bore!

The cat's comments are welcome, however. I like his attitude.

Now This is a Cat Toy, Motherfuckers!

The Disdainful One needs one of these! Hell, SB needs one of these--hours of drunken fun!

One of the Coolest Men on the Planet

And one of my favorite songs of all time.

Hurry Up and Vote!

Only two days left, motherfuckers. Hurry up and vote on the right side the page for the whore you would most like to see drop off the face of the planet. I know it's a tough decision. Suck it up.

SB Recommended: Rachel Getting Married

Kind of dark, kind of depressing, but then so is life. Great film.

I know you people look to me for advice on every facet of your life, so now I'm a damn film reviewer, too. As if I don't have enough jobs. Two thumbs up, motherfuckers!

Radio City Music Hall Jesus

You know, I don't like it when Jesus has better legs than me! It just seems, well, WRONG somehow.

This Jesus could be a damn Rockette! His ass could have a second career in show biz. He could be THE LORD OUR GOD and a chorus-line dancer. Anything is possible with the Lord, people! And don't you forget that shit.

Can you imagine if Jesus were a Rockette? All the other Rockettes would be afraid to kick higher than him. You don't want to out-do the Jeez. He could send you to the warm place.

Say Something Nice

I'm sure you did a great job raising Norman! I'm sure it wasn't your fault he grew up to be a serial killer.

[OR]

You can never be too rich or too. . .uhhhhmmmmmmmmm, yeah, well, you know.

More Bitches SB Wouldn't Want to Hang With

If you couldna guessed it, this here's a Sewing Club. What is up with older broads and floppy hats?

If my liver somehow miraculously holds up and I make it to this age, please fucking shoot me if you EVER see me wearing a floppy hat. Also, please shoot me if I join any sort of craft, garden, or sewing club, unless there is booze involved. I would become a damn Mormon if there was booze involved, people!

If I must wear a hat to join an opium or drinking club, SB will be a defiant pensioner/motherfucker and wear a backwards Ed Hardy baseball cap or some shit. I'm down with that.

Farts Interrupt Medina, Ohio, City Council Meeting

Living in Shithole, Ohio, I am so proud we are famous for stuff like our exciting city council meetings. You know, government is full of flatulent assholes--they really didn't need to prove it.

From Dlisted: http://dlisted.com/node/31079

Fuku Failure

What the hell kind of GD name is Fuku?

Big Piss Ant Monday

I basically haven't posted hardly a damn thang because pretty much everything that could go wrong today, has. I had to burn a batch of software CDs and the burner had multiple issues, the printer for the labels had various issues, and it's just a big piss ant Monday, in general. The only enjoyable hour I had today was at home for luncheon. I had soy chicken, if you must know. Damn, you folks are some nosy motherfuckers!

I plan on going to bed VERY EARLY tonight. I'm an old fucker, and I need my damn beauty rest!

Confused Animal Hero: Mayor Pat Ahumada of Brownsville, Texas

Way to go Mayor Pat (kind of)!

Story from Dlisted: http://dlisted.com/node/31036

Have a Little Lick of My Caramels

I Don't Give a Damn How Good the Cheese Is. . . .

SB wouldn't want to hang out with these bitches, either. And you people know I love cheese!

Handicrafts bore the shit out of my ass, so does making your own butter and crafting solid cherry wood cabinets.

Might I add that if your dumb ass has nothing better to do on vacation than go to Amish Country, you need help. Your life is officially BORING.

You can't even get a damn drink in Amish Country! You can't dance either (so forget drunken dancing--that's out entirely), and you can't cuss. To top it off, there is no air conditioning. Yeah, sounds really great to me. I guess you could sit around in the heat and eat a lot of warm cheese. Where do I sign up? And is there an unair-conditioned bus that will take my fat sweaty sober ass there?

[And don't you damn Amish start getting all irate in the comments section either. You're not supposed to have devices like computers, let alone Internet access. These things are devil devices and using them makes you a BAD AMISH PERSON.]

An Example of Women SB Would NOT Like to Spend Time With

Now, if these hos drank something besides tea (or even smoked it), I might be interested, but I doubt it. BORING.

You just know these dumb bitches sit around and talk about shit like Longaberger baskets, scrap booking, quilting, or their damn hysterectomies. Also, I'd probably freeze my ass off because these bitches are all going through the change, and the tea would probably make them even hotter, so the air conditioning would be constantly jacked.

Elvis Festival

If Elvis Had Lived

New SB Feature: Unique Freak of the Week

I'd say this one has a little problem with the hair overgrowth. He likes animals though. I dig him.

Say Something Nice

Uhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, okay. Love that watch!

These twins are from the Ozarks (go fucking figure--mountain boys!). I think the twin on the right has some personal cleanliness issues--that, or he just murdered someone (perhaps his mother from the look of him) and that shit on his shirt is dried blood.

I'm no doctor, but I think both twins are likely good candidates for the ear-pinning surgery.

It's Friday and I'm a Wee Bit Grumpy Due to a Shit-Eating Canine

Yes, it's Friday--thankthelordjesus--and my ass is in a crabby fucking mood. The goddamn asshole licker (Ginger) kept waking me up last night, wanting out, to go eat her own shit. Yes, I am feeding her plenty. She just likes the damn taste of her own excrement!

Dogs are sweet, sweet souls, but they are stupid motherfuckers, basically, except for Alsatians, which I'm told are the smartest of the canine species. Of course, this may be somewhat akin to saying the smartest member of the Bush family. I'm almost certain W. eats his own shit, too.

Anyhoo, I am barely functioning this morning, despite two pots of coffee. Bear with me, people. I don't even have enough energy to put an exclamation point on the end of that sentence.

Elvis Sucks!

Quattro Flushing Technology

This shit's dedicated to my daddums, also known affectionately as Spaz, who no longer has the best turbo-flushing toilet known to man.

What the hell is Quattro Flushing Technology, you might ask? It's THE MOST ADVANCED FLUSHING TECHNOLOGY AVAILABLE, and that makes your toilet OBSOLETE, Spaz. SORRY. Watch and weep.

Charlie's Angels Dolls--Original Sluts vs. Imposters

SB collected the original three Charlie's Angels sluts, and they had small awkward physiques with preternaturally large heads (see photo below). In retrospect, they were sort of built like Nancy Reagan.

Also, these three slutty bitches were STUCK UP AS HELL. They all refused Ken's advances and instead chose to date my lone Evil Knievel doll ALL AT THE SAME TIME! The fact that Evil was about two inches shorter didn't mean a thing to these wanton hos, cause Evil had the testosterone thing going.

[BONUS READER'S TRIVIA! Did you know that Evil had a son named Stevil Knievel?

Fuck you. Look it up! Where else would your asses learn trivia-winning shit like this, if not from Sarcastic Bastard?]

Back to the dolls. Toy collectors BEWARE!

Real Deal (Hasbro shit):

Imposters (Don't be fooled!):

Farrah Fawcett was Charlie's Angels, honey! And don't you forget it!

You damn kids, who watched this Cameron Diaz/Lucy Liu mess, missed the hell out. Those bony fug bitches don't know shit.

Bat Boy the Musical

Britain has all the really good high-cultured entertainment. [Plus, they have Pete Burns! We can't compete as a nation.] As if I needed to have more certitude about this, along comes Bat Boy the Musical! I would shitting KILL to see Bat Boy the Musical! What do we get? Grease. Fucking Grease! Need I say more, or have I made my point?

Link to this high Shakespearean drama: http://www.batboy.co.uk/

And fuck you for acting all lofty and culturally superior and shit. Your dumb ass is not THAT lofty or you wouldn't be reading this blog in the first place! SNOBS!

Kats are Karmically Stunted

[Shut up. I know how to spell, motherfuckers! I was a damn English major! The word cats just looks hipper with a k-, when juxtaposed with the word Karmically. I'm a damn artist! The rules don't apply to me. Rules are for the little people!]

But, I momentarily (flip my lid and rant) digress. I understand that the Buddhists believe that cats are lazy spirits who refused to improve their station Karmically. Basically, felines are lazy souls, and once you're a cat, your motherfucking ass is a cat for-fucking-ever. I'm thinking this teaching might also explain the Disdainful One's perpetually bad attitude. I'm also thinking that the moggy in the video below HAD REALLY BAD KARMA. Your thoughts?

[And I'm not here to start a damn amateur-hour type Buddhist debate, either, although the comments of senior monks, as always, are welcome. Junior monks, come back when you run with the big monks, so to speak. We need EXPERTS, not speculation.]

Tortoise Trying to Eat a Damn Grape Tomato

I know how this fucker feels. The frustration of this tortoise, trying to bite this juicy red tomato, is my whole life in a nutshell. This sorry little pantomime is symbolic for the unceasing frustration that life presents. And obviously, you don't have to be a damn human being to feel it.

Don't tell me your life isn't frustrating either. BULLFUCKINGSHIT. You can take your happy Doris Day ass and go read Rachael Ray's blog or some shit. She's perky. We don't do perky around here.

Link to that fat happy chipmunk, Rachael Ray's, site: http://www.rachaelray.com/

Joe the Bartender Speaks

I owned a haunted cottage once. I was fixing it up to sell. Something strange was going on. I'd see really fast flashes over my shoulders, and I felt like something was watching me. There was a drug addict who hung herself in the cottage when her parents cut her off.

Better her than me.

Overheard Conversation

You know, cussing is indicative of a lack of imagination.

What the fuck did you just say? I couldn't hear you.

[Okay, okay, I was the replying motherfucker.]

What Happened to this Busted-Ass Ho?

In a Never-Ending Attempt To Educate Your Dumb Asses

This is one of SB's favorite poems by one of SB's favorite authors. Read this shit, and don't your asses be skimming either! Get some damn education. Educated motherfuckers are employed motherfuckers!

Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front
by Wendell Berry

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.

And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.

When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.

Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.

Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.

Listen to carrion -- put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.

Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.

As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go.

Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

Creepy Real Doll of the Month

What's up with this busted ho's mouth? Has this Real Doll owner been getting too many blow jobs? Yeah, real women look like this shit--real women who give a lot of blow jobs! And don't ask me how I know. I can close my mouth, motherfuckers.

I Haz a Real Doll

63 Barbies

SB loved Barbie dolls as a kid. At one point, my motherfucking ass had 63 total dolls. All of them weren't Barbies, to be honest. I had three Charlie's Angel dolls, a damn Cher doll, and some Dawn Dolls thrown in for good measure. What I didn't have was a date for my damn dolls that was worth a shit. I had one Ken doll, and my dolls treated his ass like dirt. They stood his poorly-wardrobed and accessorized ass up at every turn. They also occasionally gave him the beat down. He wore a white belt and shoes. Can you blame them?

Ken was dumped countless times for being a Gayken. In fact, I believe one of the hos once came right out and spelled it out for Ken's dumb ass. Bitch said, "Your problem, Ken, is that you're about as exciting as a wet wash cloth. Got me, you fucking effeminate retard?"

For a short while, I copped my brother's GI Joe doll, and I had a manly date for my bitches, but his rock-hard ass was a little short to date my fabby Barbies, so I retired him as a date and made him a mean pimp. Then, my creative ass improvised in order to resolve the date problem. I cut the hair of several of my least favorite female dolls (I burned the hair off one of the Dawn Dolls, and her fucking face melted and that shit was not a pretty sight--she became Freak Show Dawn), and these shorn dolls became tranny males, named Rod Stewart or Nick Rhodes or David Bowie. David was a popular date because he had A REALLY BIG PEEN! Not really, but I had a good imagination.

One of my dolls was a lesbian, and her ass liked dating a butched-up girl doll just fine. Their asses were kissing all the time! This happy pair lived in the Barbie camper and that fucking trailer was always rocking! They lived happily ever after.

THE END

I Just Like the Damn Poem, Okay?

Here's some culture for you motherfuckers. You're welcome.

Dirge Without Music

I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely.
Crowned With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew, A formula, a phrase remains,
--but the best is lost.
The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love, -- They are gone. They are gone to feed the roses.
Elegant and curled Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know.
But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world. Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave,
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

--Edna St. Vincent Millay