Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I'm Stealing from Myself, My Beautiful Self

I read this old post of mine, and it made me laugh, so I figured I'd re-post the damn shit for you shiftless ungrateful bitches. I think my language is much cleaner nowadays, don't you? And yes, I laugh at my own blog material. Fuck you.

From the SB archives, motherfuckers:

You Know It's Almost Christmas When . . . .

Your ass has to chase a FED-EX driver down the street in your socks in the cocksucking snow to try to give him the package back that you signed for that you noticed after he left and was starting to drive off was actually for the cocksucker who formally occupied your dwelling place. [Note: This is the same cocksucker that you already have a package on your porch for that the motherfuckers from UPS dropped off while you were at work one day and you have started to contemplate opening and consuming because it's addressed from The fucking Popcorn Factory. This, despite the fact that popcorn is far from your favorite snack treat. You have just decided you will eat the festive corn out of fucking spite because you've had to deal with so much of the cocksucking former occupant's mail. THIS IS THE TOLL, you irresponsible no-forwarding-address motherfucker. You will not get to enjoy your popcorn.] Oh and this was after your rabid Diarrhetic not-right-in-the-head-half-blind watch dog kept lunging for the startled but relatively calm FED-EX guy at the door, but FED-EX guy was on his damn toes and averted tragedy by producing dog treats for said not-right-in-the-head dog and threw them into your foyer so that you could sign for the sonofabitching cocksucking package that wasn't in actuality yours and then proceed to run out into the snowy street in your stocking feet in order to try to flag the compassionate dog-treat-throwing motherfucking driver down and hand him back his cocksucking package that in actuality was for the no-forwarding-address former occupant motherfucker.



Vintage Vixen said...

Brilliant, absolutely brilliant. Keep recycling. I love a good old swear and I love you, too! xxx

Ms. Moon said...

Dang. A classic. I love it. Cocksucking GREAT!

Denny Coates said...

There is so much nonsense and craziness in the human world, and we can either accept it all and let our brains go to cheese, or we can rant. I've noticed that foul language has a distinctively restorative effect. Kathleen appears entertained by my rants, though I've noticed lately that she gets irritated by some of them.

Jeannie said...

Shoulda kept it. Anything delivered to your home even in error, is yours. I got some awesome cook books and a great dictionary set when I moved in here.

Misfits Vintage said...

Hell yes I do love some fucking gratuitous cocksucking fucking profanity motherfucker.

Did you eat the popcorn?

Sarah xxx

Kathleen Scott said...

I remember this post, mostly for how hard things were in your world then. Glad that was then and this is now and your now is good.

Leslie said...

I'd say that anything that lands on your doorstop is fair game. If the former administration wanted their mail, they should have filled out the form.

Mel's Way or No Way said...

A true classic lives again...and never fails to produce a good laugh.
Love you SB

michelle said...

hee hee hee

hope the treats didn't give your dog more diarrhea


Sarcastic Bastard said...

And I love you.

Ms. Moon,
That made me smile. Much love to you.

I love a good rant. Nothing like it to reduce stress. Laugh.

In future, I will keep the shit and enjoy it.

No, I took it to my family Christmas, but I did eat the cookie package inside with the popcorn. I can't resist cookies EVER.

You are so sweet. Thank you!

I hear you, love.

Love you. Glad to make you laugh.

I am always so glad to hear from you.

Love to all. Thanks for the comments!


Alison Cross said...

LMAO! Thanks for reposting. Gave me a right good laugh this afternoon!

Hope you're keeping well over there SB!

Ali x

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I am always so glad to hear from you. And yes, all is well. Love you.

Christina @ Fashion's Most Wanted said...

Dearest SB, you are brilliant and hilarious. I love the story and I love you xx

Sarcastic Bastard said...

My Dear Christina,
Why, thank you, my dear! I love you back of course.

Syd said...

I remember that one. Still funny.

~Amber Elise~ said...

Thanks for re-posting! Cocksucker is definitely a word that I need to incorporate into daily speech more often! And happy BE-late Valentines day to you too Sarcastic Bastard, You know I love ya! (Yea I know, I'm slacking big time here.)