Thursday, June 4, 2009

SB IS SUFFERING, PEOPLE!

SB is SUFFERING because my ass STILL HAS NO DAMN CABLE TV! Yes, you motherfuckers read that shit right. I've got a beautiful new flat-screen digital TV and right now, it is merely room decor. Ginger took a BIG sloppy lick on that shit last night, right after she licked her asshole, of course. Dogs do that shit. Don't ask me why. Do I look like Dr. Doolittle, motherfuckers?

Have the Time Warner motherfuckers no compassion? My ass has actually had to listen to music, read, sit on the porch, drink more wine and smoke more cigs the last couple evenings. If you can fucking imagine that. I could have been watching Real Housewives reruns! What has the world come to?

Cable Guy is now scheduled to come on Saturday. I think I will sit on the goddamn front porch AND put a damn sign in the front yard, directing his/her dumb ass to my abode. Cable Guy is due sometime between 8:00 and high noon. I will just plug the damn coffee pot in on the porch and sit there in my damn jammies so I don't miss the motherfucker! I SO TOTALLY WILL, too. Take that shit to the bank.

My fucking ass will look something like this:

My ass can Gladys Kravitz all the neighbors while I'm out there and see what's going on in the hood. It's important to be nosy. If I teach your mentally-challenged asses nothing else, let it be that shit right there!

10 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

Don't forget to tease your hair, Gladys. And drink straight from the gin bottle.

Put The Lotion In The Basket said...

Damn your art SB
What does it mean
Cats a Woman?
Green shoes?
Check trousers
its a miasma of colours, thoughts spiral
Damn Your Eyes SB
What does it all Mean??
LOL
NIck

kelly Al-Saleh said...

OMG I want one of those, I am so the cat lady (although only got one so far and did the right thing and got him neutered. so no cat pee smells in my place).

I would suggest you put the sign way up high on a flag pole so they can see were you live, maybe add flashing lights (who cares about the neighbours). In my experience these guys tend to be a bit thick so any guidance to help them find your place will be needed.

Don't know if they're like this in the US but over here they'll say 'we'll be there anytime between 12-6pm' then they either (a) turn up at 6.30 or (b) leave a note outside your door saying you weren't in (when you were in fact practically posted next to the front door! They should be forced to wear squeaky shoes).

Good luck with that. Hopefully you will return to civilisation soon!

What about internet TV? Don't some channels do re-runs online?

x Kelly

Sasha (Malchik Gai) said...

I've actually done that, stood outside with a sign. Though I think it was the pizza dude in my case that time. I so feel your pain it's amazing how much stock we put into the damned television. How did people live before cable? I mean god three or four channels, just kill me please. We're so spoiled these days. Sorry you're living like a nun til Saturday.
Hugz

Syd said...

You are so funny. I had a big laugh over this today.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

It's gonna have to be a damn vodka bottle, Ms. Moon. Don't like the gin--except in Bloody Mary's. Gin and Mr. T's Spicy Bloody Mary mix rock! Trust my ass on this.

Love you,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Nick,
I didn't manufacture the damn crazy cat lady doll, but here's my take. This bitch is going to die and be eaten by the damn moggies eventually, when their feline asses run out of the Cat Chow. No one will know the poor woman (me) is dead until the mail backs up and the nasty smell drifts into the neighbouring apartment. I have already forseen my death. You read that shit here. This bitch is psycho--I mean psychic!

Also, bitch loves you, you crazy subliminal filmmaker.

Love, SB.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Kelly, my girl. I have followed your wonderful wise comments all around on other blogs. I am SO glad you finally commented here, and thanks for the follow, girlfriend!

I can't get to the damn Internet either, Kell. Only here at work. The Internet comes with the cable hook-up. So Saturday for that shit, too.

And yes, the cable thing works exactly like that here. You nailed it on the head. I was home all day with the windows open and a barking dog, and supposedly the cable guy did show up on Monday. Yeah right. I stayed home the ENTIRE day waiting on his motherfucking ass.

Much love to you. Thanks for reading and commenting. Happy you are with us here at Sarcastic Bastard, you poor thing. Misery loves company!

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Malchik,
I, too, have been THAT DESPERATE for a pizza to put a damn sign up. Usually when I have consumed too much alcohol.

I once got a blister burn on my mouth because I was drinking and let myself get too hungry. The pizza was scalding, and my ass scarfed it! It looked like I had the damn herp or some shit.

Your comment made me laugh. Love you.

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Syd,
I live to make you laugh.

SB loves ya! You are SB family, like it or not, you poor captive.

SB