Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Grandma Peg Was No Fan of Cats

My Grandma Peg was not a fan of cats. I think it may have stemmed from the time the Moms (her daughter-in-law) brought her Siamese cat over to Grandma's house for a visit. The Moms, always a fan of Siamese, was showing off her latest feline acquisition.

At the time, Grandma's ass had been slaving away on an afghan blanket and found it only partially amusing when Fred (the feline) settled down for a cozy nap on her work (the afghan, in case I need to spell it out for you dumb fuckers).

After the Mom's and my visit, the Mom's went to retrieve napping Fred from the knitting basket, and Grandma decided to show Moms the progress she'd made on the blanket. The afghan was nearly done! Grandma could picture that shit on the back of her Regency davenport, which looked like it belonged in a damn French whore house. (We don't even want to discuss THE LAMP--this is how it is referred to in my family to this day--only as, THE LAMP--which had the tiny torsos of two naked blond whores, missing most of their arms, and perhaps meant to be miniature mastheads. ON A LAMP. But I digress.)

Anyhoo, when Grandma unfurled her formerly magnificent afghan, there were several gaping holes in it. IN THE MIDDLE. In fact, there were A WHOLE LOT OF HOLES. Fred had sucked holes in Grandma's masterwork. The Moms apologized and hussled Fred's nonplussed ass out, but I'm not sure Grandma EVER got over it. It was a BONE OF CONTENTION.

Grandma was not an animal lover, in general, and she once traumatized a cage-escaped hamster of my dad's by sitting on it and mashing it with the pressure of her petite ass. The unfortunate creature had somehow wedged itself between the cushions and the couch, perhaps seeking warmth. Grandma only found out later, when she was vacuuming underneath the sofa cushions. For some reason, there was not an odor.

The hamsters were not fans of Grandma, AND GRANDMA WAS NO FAN OF CATS.


Ms. Moon said...

That was beautiful! I loved it! Thank-you!
P.S. If no one wants The Lamp and it is still around- I'll take it off your hands. Sounds like something that would fit in quite well here at Casa Luna

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ms. Moon,
Everybody argued over who would take THE LAMP and store it when Grandma kicked because Uncle Gene said nobody would believe it unless they SAW it. No one was willing.

Some weird ass must have bought it in the auction. I can't figure why Uncle Gene or daddums didn't at least get a picture of the damn thing for family posterity.

Grandma looked high and low (when she was alive, not in the afterlife of course) for the perfect lampshade for it, and finally found it (or so she said). The shade she laboured to find didn't go with the damn lamp AT ALL. It surely did look like a whore house lamp. That is, if the whores were blind. The shade had gold fringes hanging off it.

Syd said...

Don't tell Gleds about the smashed hamster. It makes me cringe.