Help I Have Two Butts!

[Wasn't this ho singing at the inaugural yesterday? Didn't I just see her somewhere?]

Can you SB readers help a bitch out and send me any good diet/exercise tips? On second thought, I really don't want to get off the couch or miss the 10,00 reality TV shows I watch, so just send me diet tips. You can e-mail them to SB at ugadawg1@woh.rr.com or just put them in the comments section of this post. And be nice. I'm a little sensitive right now.

I used to make fun of fat-ass motherfuckers, with their loaded, Cheetos-laden carts at places like the Sam's Club. I called such hapless grossoids: double-butters, because they had butts in the front AND in the back. But now my fat-ass is starting to swing around to the front, too. It's like your ass has only so much capacity, and finally, when it's all full-up, the fat swings around, and a second butt is born. Lo, a second butt is born! This shit does not make for an attractive profile in the bathroom mirror. It makes it very difficult to sing Womanizer and pretend that you're Britney, bitch.

Anyhoo, it started out that I was just a little expansive in the waistline--you know--a little spare tiresy. You just buy the large-size underwear and walk around with camel toe in your too small pants, but now my omentum (thanks Dr. Oz!) is starting to take over. Now, I've got fat hanging OVER the waistband of my Hello Kitty underwear. [NOTE: There is no extra-large size in Hello Kitty world. The Japanese, the biggest Hello Kitty-wear buyers, are all wearing small. They're not fat, gluttonous fucks like Americans.]

So, help a bitch out and send your tips SOON, before my omentum attacks Earth, and Will Smith has to do some macho shit to save us all.