Modern Scary Jesus for Beth's Jonesing Ass

I'm better, back at work, and here's a damn Modern Scary Jesus for Beth's Scary Jesus withdrawal. This one's expressly for you Beth, since you actually comment now and again, unlike a lot of my other lazy motherfucking readers, who shall be nameless, SINCE I WOULDN'T KNOW THEIR DAMN NAMES BECAUSE THEY DON'T COMMENT.

I must admit I'm sort of more attracted to the older Catholic gory-model Jesuses. I like the bleeding stigmata and especially the crucifixes where the crowns of thorns are dripping blood and shit. I dig realism and am not a big fan of modernism in general. And no, I never liked Picasso with his damn cubism shit. Picasso can kiss my ass! I know art when I see it, people! And that cubism shit is not art! Just because rich dumb asses pay big money for it, does not make it art. Picasso's shit belongs in the Starving Artists at the Holiday Inn sale bin, as far as SB is concerned. I wouldn't wipe my ass on Picasso's work. My asshole deserves better.

Okay, ta da--here's Modern Scary Jesus--as promised.


Is it me, or does Modern Scary Jesus sort of need the Thighmaster or some shit? From the waist up, he's pretty skinny, but Jesus is a bit of a chunker from the waist down. Somebody's been eating too many damn loaves and fishes! It's not always good to be able to produce food at will, people! The big J's been hiding his shameful binge-eating from the disciples (his robes covered a multitude of sins), and it ain't been easy to hide that shit because those nosy-assed disciples want to follow the Jeez everywhere, especially that pain-in-the-ass Judas! The big J can't even take a shit in private. Some dumb motherfucker wants to follow His Ass to the shit pit and ask what happens when we die, EVEN IN THE DAMN CAN, people! Holy shit. Can you imagine? Can you imagine the sacrifice it took to be the Lord our God? I'd get so tired of dumb asses bugging me with their idiotic damn questions, I'd be striking motherfuckers down with lightening left and right! I'd be striking and smiting dumb fucks all over the damn kingdom!