It Is Too Dairy

And dairy is one of the basic food groups, therefore, it must be good for you. Yes, the Moms fed this shit to her growing chicklet on a blanket outside (in the sun with no sunscreen!) on Chicken in a Biskit (what's up with that spelling anyway--can't those fuckers at Nabisco spell?) crackers. Moms hadn't yet entered her Jane Fonda health food craze phase, where she shoved carrot sticks, grapes, and little tiny boxes of raisins at us, while the other lucky little motherfuckers in the neighborhood got Rice Krispy Treats.

Anyhoo, SB digresses momentarily in her bitterness. Back to the fucking ninth Wonder of the World. It's Kraft Easy Cheese! Fuck that, it's cheese in a goddamn can. Can you smart college kids out there improve on that? And SB recommends this shit with a dry red wine. Of course, what don't I recommend with red wine? EVERYTHING goes better with red, red, wine.

Mercer recommends it, too (not wine--EASY CHEESE--stay with me here, people--it's not that hard). She eats it right out of the spray nozzle! The Disdainful One knows quality food product when she tastes it.

If there is anybody out there who denies that man has evolved as a species, I think the concurrent evolution of cheese-food product is strong evidence that we damn well have.

Aerosol cheese is also a distinctly American invention. That means, we take something perfectly good the way it is and bastardize it by trying to improve upon it. And trust me, the fine folks in Europe aren't going for processed cheese food product at all, let alone junk-filled crap that you can squirt out of a can. Uh huh. No fucking way.

I can hear the conversation between the two American food scientists and inventors of Easy Cheese, wearing lab coats, in the early part of the 1960's.

Food Scientist 1: Stan, is there a way we can improve on cheese? We need to make cheese more exciting and appealing to the modern American consumer.

Food Scientist 2: How about spray cheese in a can, Bob? Now, that would be a gimmick that would sell like hotcakes! It's convenient, modern, and one of the basic food groups. I think American mother's will really go for it, as long as they're not too health food crazed.

Food Scientist 1: By gum, I think you're on to something there, Stan! We'll call it Easy Cheese, or do you think it should be Easy Cheez, with a z? Those guys over at Nabisco come up with some pretty snappy names, and by God, stuff like that moves product!

Food Scientist 2: Who gives a fuck, Bob? What kind of fucking drug are you on?
[Okay, Stan didn't say that. I've just gotten carried away. Kennedy was president. There was no cussing.]