Friday, June 11, 2010

Tom Jones and His GROSS Peen (the Moms Will Be MAD)

The Moms will be mad at me for taking shots at Tom Jones, who she would throw Daddums over for in a hot minute, but Tom is all shades of GROSS, and he affected my childhood adversely (especially the song The Green Green Grass of Home--Tom the Schlong should have left that shit to Charley Pride, a respectable singer).

Anyhoo, I was telling The Viking the other day that I think I can attribute EVERYTHING that's wrong with me, from asthma to the occasional yeast infection to depression (which is sometimes nearly suicidal), to having to listen to so much of Tom's cheesy music as a kid. Also, there was significant and lasting trauma having to watch him gyrate and throw his sausage-y schlong around when he danced on his weekly variety hour on TV. As a kid, I was frankly horrified by the outline of Tom's ginormous junk in his tight white trousers. You could see EVERYTHING God gave him (even his balls!), as Grandma Peg noted dissaprovingly, while still looking, might I fucking add.

It's a wonder SB didn't grow up terrified of the peen and become a lesbian who cleaves to the vagina and shit. [And may I say here that there is NOT ONE DAMN THING wrong with being a lesbian (I may become one yet--I consider myself a non-practicing lesbian), but it just wasn't my natural tendency as a youngster.]

Tom is still wearing clothes that are too damn young for him, and the fucker needs to have some damn dignity (like Rod Stewart needs to do also) and holster the schlong. SB has been traumatized for long enough AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THAT SHIT ANYMORE!

[Note to my UK readers: For some reason, Tom reminds me of Fred West. Am I alone in this? I am not inviting American commentary on this, so don't be Googling photos of Fred West and giving your two cents. This in ONLY for the UK folks. You can't understand the TRUE HORROR that is Fred West unless you are from the UK.]

21 comments:

Wildernesschic said...

OMG The Valley King .. you are right he looks like Fred west LOL
I am with you all the way...My mother in law loves him, I imagine was a knicker thrower in her day, just the sight of those gyrating hips would drive them wild :)
and me running to puke, have never really gone for extremely male men, ooziing and thrusting their testosterone .. but it has also led me to have more than one gay boyfriend .. shit gaydar .. Luckily husband is sound xx

Smileyfreak said...

I'm not from the UK so I won't comment then :P

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ruth,
I don't like the extremely male men either. Yucko. I remember the underwear throwing. GROSS.

Smileyfreak,
Welcome. Please come back and comment anytime. Laugh.

invisigal said...

OMG, can one die of laughter?

Nevermind, dear SB, he is clearly a "shower" not a "grower."

Why, why, why, Delilah indeed.

mrs. miss alaineus said...

what the fuck is he wearing? is that a onsie for a grown up? does it snap at the crotch for easy access?????

xxalainaxx

The Dish said...

Isn't he the one that did that lame ass knock 3 times song? If so, not only is he disgusting, his music sucks too.

Syd said...

I never did like him. Remember that What's New Pussy Cat song? I would rather see Mick in his tight Carnaby trousers than this dude.

michelle said...

I don't really remember the Tom Jones show. Maybe it was censored in our house.

I do remember a music box that played Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head, though.

I loved that damn music box

adrienne said...

so i followed your instructions, and didn't google fred west. i googled tom jones just in case there were photos of him in the white pants.

as if the red pants in the photo you posted were not gross enpough for me.

ewww. sausage.

Old Midhurstian said...

Aaaargh! Must-claw-out-eyes!

Love
Mac

Lori said...

Great Post!!! My mother constantly played Tom on the stereo when I was growing up. That or Wayne Newton. If Tom's lizard ever pops out I would run to the fucking hills!!!! Love you Miss Lady...

Findon said...

You are so right. Our Tom does look just like our Fred. I never noticed the Schlong, until you mentioned it, but then again, I never noticed Tom on the telly either, not my taste in music, although my mother always liked to watch him, which now makes me think she had secrets I was unaware of at the time. As for Fred, what can one say about the horror that must have been that house. I read a blog written by a man who was murdered by Leslie Nielsen and you just see the damage that has done down the line. We English have an odd way of dealing with this kind of thing. There is the initial natural revulsion whcih is then very quickly followed by black humour. I remember the day after it all was in the news, faxes ( remember them ) started arriving in offices in the guise of an advertising leaflet. It advertised the talenst of Fred West and Sons (builders), fred was a builder of sorts. One of the lines went as follows... Floors a speciality, Our family have been in floors for years....

Its this black humour that enables the english to endure any amount of distress I guess, as I thiink we are about to find out in the coming years.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Mrs. Miss A.,
That shit was funn-ay!

Dish,
Yes, and I don't want him so I ain't a knockin'.

Syd,
Yes, I hated that song, too.

Michelle,
I love Raindrops. That was B.J. Thomas, I believe.

Findon,
I have black humour, too. Definitely. It keeps me alive. Laugh.

Love to all of you!

SB

Bethany said...

Oh SB, you always make me laugh. Loved this. That schlong is crazy scary/gross and might just send me back into Lesbianism. Damn!!!
Love the non practicing Lesbian comment.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Bethany,
It's true. Laugh.

Thank you for reading. I've missed you.

white rabbit said...

I've just been to Hereford - a town where everyone looks like Fred West (except the women who look like Rose West) and, yes, Tom Jones is pretty dire.

Steph(anie) said...

Oh, I googled Fred West. And there ain't one damn thing you can do about it either.

Mel's Way or No Way said...

My mom adores Tom Jones. She actually has his name and birthday written on the inside of the family bible-right next to us kids.

I've had the exquisite pain of sitting through two concerts watching my mom have heart palpatations and cry. I have to say that if you're a people-watcher like me, you can get an excellent show watching the freaks in action.

BTW: the ladies still throw their undies and Tom now dodges them instead of wiping the sweat off his brow *barf*. These days they throw "granny-panties". After the show, some unlucky stage hand gets to don the hazmat suit, rubber gloves and tongs to clean up the stage afterward. I swear-I saw it! :)

grace said...

Funny SB...

thanks for the laugh

Sarcastic Bastard said...

White Rabbit,
That must be one UGLY town!

Mel,
That's fucking funny. Maybe my Moms and your Moms should go bowling or something. Laugh.

Grace,
You're welcome. Blessings, babe.

Love to all you motherfuckers!

SB

Mary LA said...

So Fred West. Look twice at my weenie and I'll chop you to bits.

You would have made a genius criminal profiler SB.