Friday, October 15, 2010

The BIG Box of Crayolas


When SB was a kid, my ass was such a brat, I would cry and throw a HOLY FUCKING FIT whenever I broke a crayon in the BIG box of Crayolas or whenever I was forced to sharpen one of those bitches. The uniformity was fucked up, people! This, we could not have. My ass watched Sesame Street--I knew that 1 bitch out of 52 DID NOT BELONG WITH THE OTHERS! You can't have that shit, motherfuckers! That shit is unacceptable.

Then, my Abuelita (Grandma for all you poorly educated fucks) or Grandpa would have to run to the Five & Dime store and buy my ass a WHOLE NEW BIG box of bright perfect Crayolas. Otherwise, THERE WAS HELL TO PAY!And I am NOT even kidding. Most of my family gave me what I wanted growing up rather than deal with my unholy raft of shit. SB was a damn handful.

Even as a child, I knew it was EAT OR BE EATEN, bitches. And I still think that.

25 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

I am completely with you on this one. I can remember trying to tape a broken crayon back together. IT DID NOT WORK!
If you and I didn't have such high moral standards, we could probably write a best seller called, "Everything I Know I Learned From Using Crayolas."
But we do. Have high moral standards.
Thank god. We shall remain poor but pure.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Amen to that shit!

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

Nice. Without knowing you, I can see it...

I would only throw fits when people insisted on singing me the birthday song.

Christina @ Fashion's Most Wanted said...

Dear SB, I was a hideous child, well to my parents anyway. I think that's why I never wanted any! Have a wonderful weekend. Love you xx

Jeannie said...

My mother would NEVER have bought me the big box of crayolas. I remember a friend got one once and I was in awe - with a sharpener!!! I wish I'd had your moxie. Wish I had it now. I'd own the world.

Jeannie said...

I remember crying once at the start of grade one - because my pencil tip broke. I thought I would get in trouble because if my mother had been the teacher - I would have.

Have a great weekend babe - love you

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Reeny,
I didn't like being sung to either. Have a great weekend, buddy.

Christina,
I'm sure you were lovely, as you are now. Love you much.

Jeannie,
Your comment made my week. I love you, too! I do NOT like your mother, however. AT ALL.

Lori said...

See the person you are today started with a box of Crayolas. I think you turned out pretty damn well!!xxooo

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Lori,
Thanks. Have a great weekend, babe!

Sweden said...

im a perfectionist so i can totally see your point, i am also a fan of symmetry so one broken crayon totally fucks the box up i get it.

im the type of person that can spend hours moving my sofa cushions to be perfectly aligned. (if i had sofa cushions)

michelle said...

Lord the Big Box of Crayolas was fucking christmas at my house. Perfection. I remember the smell. Midnight Blue was my favorite. I always felt sad knowing once I used them the perfection was gone.

Nulaanne said...

I was the same way, still am when is comes to crayons. The only diffrence is now I can get a new box whenever I want.

Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

P.S. In answer to your comment on my blog, YES YES, my Dorian is feeling as good as new again, prowling around the house, climbing on my tatas while I sleep as a not-so-subtle wake-up-and-feed-me alert, and playing hide-n-seek with me! Relief and gladness!

West Hollywood Voyeur said...

Fierce!

Joe's blog said...

I've read your comment on David's blog. OMG. There are so many dumb a******s in this world. If he ever sends you such a comment again, forward it to me. I'll answer with some pictures of my gay best friend's wedding and then send this superdumb blogger by my own hand to hell. I'm a brave girl, believe me, he'll never ever think about writing such comments again after having met ME!

PS: Hope you like my Zappa-post.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I would have let the baboons take of you for a couple of days. They are pretty ingenious when it comes to crayon substitutes.

DAVID McGRIEVEY said...

The only Abuelita I knew was a chocolate tablet or powdered mix to make hot chocolate. I was born too late to meet my grandmothers.
My sister used to eat my Crayolas, particularly Blue and Red. She did not see colors, she saw flavors.
X David

Petit fleur said...

I had a thing about perfect crayons also!! Only I did not get that new box... Only dad was allowed to pitch the fits. That's the Italian way.

Leslie said...

I used to melt the broken ones with a magnifying glass. The sidewalk in front of our house was awesome.

And then I guess I'd throw a fit until I got another box.

DAVID McGRIEVEY said...

It is funny that you ended this Crayola post with EAT OR BE EATEN.
You see SB, my sister viewed my box of Crayolas not as colors, but as flavors. She was particularly fond of eating red and blue.
She was also the only person I ever met who never cried when given the blue popsicle.
I think Forrest Gump speaks for us all when he says. "Life is like a box of Crayolas, you don't know what you'll get till you eat it."
your friend,
David

Syd said...

I never sharpened a crayon. I just quit using the dull, blunt ones. I didn't pitch fits that I can recall--that came later in life, probably from not sharpening those crayons. I must have built up a lot of resentment towards Raw Sienna and Raw Umber, Sepia, Burnt Orange, etc.

Nathalie said...

I can relate to the distress however how about not using the crayolas at all? That's the only option to keep'em in perfect shape!

Had I been your parent I would have told you that your options were :
- just look at your crayola, not use them and keep them in perfect condition

- accept that the wonderful drawing you're producing and the fun that you're having doing it are worth the slight damage to the crayons.

And for throwing tantrums, try again. Cheers :-)

Alison Cross said...

I share your Crayola misery. The worst was when a visiting child would snap a crayon and then put it back in the box like nothing had happened....

ali x

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Tatyanna,
So glad to hear Dorian is doing so well. That's just great! Makes my Monday.

Joe's blog,
Welcome, buddy. I'm glad you have my back, although I'm not exactly timid. Laugh. Please join us often. It's clear from your comment, you'll fit in great here.

Gorilla Bananas,
Babboons DID take care of me. Most of my family are conservative republicans. I know--I'm awful.

David McG,
I've had Abuelita hot chocolate, too. Laugh. I'd rather have a crayon-eating sister than a yuppy brother. Wanna trade?

PF,
I love Italian men and FOOD!

Leslie Dear,
I didn't know about the melting crayon trick. That sounds like fun! Your sidewalk probably looked like Walt Disney threw up. COOL!

David McG,
We FOUGHT TO THE DEATH over the blue popsicle. I kid you not.

Syd,
That shit made me laugh. You are funny, dude.

Nathalie,
Clearly, you are a practical parent. Laugh. Welcome, and please come back and join us often. You have SB's personal invite.

Ali,
Yeah, that shit sucked.

Thanks for the comments. SB loves all you bitches!

Parabolic Muse said...

HA!! i love this.
it's so right.