The Damn Cat Shat All Over the Moms' Good Blue Carpet. Fucker.

Recently, the Moms and Daddums went to visit my yuppy brother's ass out in Massachusetts. SB got stuck taking care of their bitchy, freakishly tiny Siamese (fucker is a Flame Point) cat, named Boo. We think that Boo is actually my Grandpa Heeter reincarnated. There are a number of justifiable reasons for this, such as the tiny little motherfucker showing up out of the blue in mom and dad's back yard all declawed and shit and the fact that the little bitch is all grouchy-looking like Grandpa Heeter. [Side Note to All You Bitches: Boo also sort of resembles a damn space alien and/or Steve McQueen. He does! The photo for this post is NOT actually Boo, so don't be getting all superior and shit and thinking, "That motherfucker doesn't even slighty resemble a Steve McQueen space alien." Fuck you, because you don't KNOW.] Also, Grandpa Heeter was a grouchy cheating alcoholic bastard [this is going to make the Moms MAD, but it's true], so we figure the fucker probably didn't exactly reach reincarnational heights, hence cathood.

Anyhoo, the Moms had just paid to have the good blue carpet in the dining room, professionally cleaned. Boo's dumb ass was previously having some kind of shitting issue, but he was leaving his shitty deposits on the hard basement floor, so the good carpet was not in peril.

Before leaving for my yuppy brother's, the Moms said that she thought Boo was over the shits, but just to watch out when I stepped down into the darkened basement, IN CASE.

The first trip over to the folks', the little bastard had shit in three different places on the basement floor. Since Daddums (paranoia deep destroyer) turns off the water whenever they are gone for more than a day, my ass had to figure out how to get the dried shit up off the basement floor. I did the best I could, motherfuckers, but that shit was not easy to get up.

The second trip over to tend to the little fucker, the motherfucker had shit all around the dining room table (about eight cocksucking times), and again, some of the shit had dried and stuck to the good blue carpet. SB was on lunch hour, so I had to spend a good half of my lunch hour cleaning up the little bastard's shit. Fucker. I wound up laughing hysterically, until tears ran, when I thought about how MAD the Moms was going to be! I even called the ex-husband and had him laughing about HOW MAD THE MOMS WAS GOING TO BE.

I told Boo: "You'd better stop that shit right now, Boo, or else the Mom's and Daddum's will put your shitting little motherfucking ass TO SLEEP!" Fucker was disinterested, totally unconcerned. Fucker. Did I mention Boo is a fucker?

Before they left for the trip to MA, the Moms and Daddums took me out to dinner for watching Boo. After they got back on Saturday, I told them that Boo stressed me out so much and was such a damn pain in the ass, that I expect a spa weekend or some shit. I think it's only fair.

Did I mention that Boo is a goddamn Grandpa-Heeter-Steve-McQueen-space-alien-looking fuck fucking fucker? Girl, you know that shit is true!