Monday, October 18, 2010

The Damn Cat Shat All Over the Moms' Good Blue Carpet. Fucker.

Recently, the Moms and Daddums went to visit my yuppy brother's ass out in Massachusetts. SB got stuck taking care of their bitchy, freakishly tiny Siamese (fucker is a Flame Point) cat, named Boo. We think that Boo is actually my Grandpa Heeter reincarnated. There are a number of justifiable reasons for this, such as the tiny little motherfucker showing up out of the blue in mom and dad's back yard all declawed and shit and the fact that the little bitch is all grouchy-looking like Grandpa Heeter. [Side Note to All You Bitches: Boo also sort of resembles a damn space alien and/or Steve McQueen. He does! The photo for this post is NOT actually Boo, so don't be getting all superior and shit and thinking, "That motherfucker doesn't even slighty resemble a Steve McQueen space alien." Fuck you, because you don't KNOW.] Also, Grandpa Heeter was a grouchy cheating alcoholic bastard [this is going to make the Moms MAD, but it's true], so we figure the fucker probably didn't exactly reach reincarnational heights, hence cathood.

Anyhoo, the Moms had just paid to have the good blue carpet in the dining room, professionally cleaned. Boo's dumb ass was previously having some kind of shitting issue, but he was leaving his shitty deposits on the hard basement floor, so the good carpet was not in peril.

Before leaving for my yuppy brother's, the Moms said that she thought Boo was over the shits, but just to watch out when I stepped down into the darkened basement, IN CASE.

The first trip over to the folks', the little bastard had shit in three different places on the basement floor. Since Daddums (paranoia deep destroyer) turns off the water whenever they are gone for more than a day, my ass had to figure out how to get the dried shit up off the basement floor. I did the best I could, motherfuckers, but that shit was not easy to get up.

The second trip over to tend to the little fucker, the motherfucker had shit all around the dining room table (about eight cocksucking times), and again, some of the shit had dried and stuck to the good blue carpet. SB was on lunch hour, so I had to spend a good half of my lunch hour cleaning up the little bastard's shit. Fucker. I wound up laughing hysterically, until tears ran, when I thought about how MAD the Moms was going to be! I even called the ex-husband and had him laughing about HOW MAD THE MOMS WAS GOING TO BE.

I told Boo: "You'd better stop that shit right now, Boo, or else the Mom's and Daddum's will put your shitting little motherfucking ass TO SLEEP!" Fucker was disinterested, totally unconcerned. Fucker. Did I mention Boo is a fucker?

Before they left for the trip to MA, the Moms and Daddums took me out to dinner for watching Boo. After they got back on Saturday, I told them that Boo stressed me out so much and was such a damn pain in the ass, that I expect a spa weekend or some shit. I think it's only fair.

Did I mention that Boo is a goddamn Grandpa-Heeter-Steve-McQueen-space-alien-looking fuck fucking fucker? Girl, you know that shit is true!

23 comments:

Jeannie said...

Shit. Sorry if I'm doing this twice - It looked like they lost my comment...

Absolutely true.

I think our Dex is a former womanizing drunk. Maybe he's my Dad.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Could well be. Laugh.

I love you, Jeannie.

Wildernesschic said...

"You'd better stop that shit right now, Boo, or else the Mom's and Daddum's will put your shitting little motherfucking ass TO SLEEP!" ...Could be a whole new childcare strategy for teenagers...:) LOL xx

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ruth,
You know it, babe. SB loves you!

Ms. Moon said...

I believe the childcare version of this goes like, "I made you and I can take you out and make another just like you."
So. You really love Boo, right?

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

Bad Boo! To be honest siamese cats always freak me out.

Syd said...

We are Siamese if you please, we are Siamese if you don't please. It is the story of the Siamese. They are interesting cats. We have Evil Seed here who was left as a kitten at a parking lot in Georgia. We now know why. She does use the litter box but refuses to cover up her mess in the box. Guess who gets to change the litter box? Uh-huh...not a happy camper.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Syd,
I hear that, babe. I understand your ire. I have a few non-coverers, too. Fuckers. Did I mention that they are fuckers?

DAVID McGRIEVEY said...

The "good" blue carpet.
That's rich, your killing me.
David

Christina @ Fashion's Most Wanted said...

Dear SB, brilliant post. Can you please post a pic of the real Boo now and maybe one of your Grandpa? You crack me up. I love you xx

Big Mark 243 said...

Girlfriend... you are too rich! I sm glad it is you and not me... I would be going over there after work trying to clean that mess up and finding even more mess there!

What is the number to the ASPCA??

Mr.Mischief said...

Makes me think of Kitty, and how she likes to leave hairballs all over random spots in the house(bonus points if you step on them with your feet during a nocturnal bladder release trip) and once so far, a kitty crap on the bed...oh joy...dogs and cats are children enough for us I think...lol

Mel's Way or No Way said...

Hehehe...I bet you get the blame.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Christina,
Grandpa croaked before we had digital pics available. Sorry. He was actually a good-looking older man. Very fit.

Mr. Mischief,
I, too, have done the nocturnal hairball step dance of disgust. My sympathies, brother.

Mel,
Nah. She wasn't even mad. The Moms thanked me profusely for caring for the little fucker.

Petit fleur said...

"I wound up laughing hysterically, until tears ran, when I thought about how MAD the Moms was going to be! I even called the ex-husband and had him laughing about HOW MAD THE MOMS WAS GOING TO BE."

NOW THAT"S FUNNY!

I have a clear visual of this event complete with you on all fours scrubbing the carpet despite the fact that you can't actually see through your hysterical tears.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

PF,
Thank you. I am so glad it made you laugh and that you shared it.

Love you,

SB

Terena said...

bwahahahahahaa! oh god, that is funny! thank you. I needed that.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Terena,
I know how hectic your schedule is, so I am glad to make you laugh. I hope you and Teen Queen are rocking and rolling this week.

Love,

SB

The Wit Continuum said...

I love, love, love your cat stories...this made my day...though I am sorry about your weekend trauma...

Love you,
J

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Jenn,
Thanks. Always happy to make your day, buddy.

Hope you are back to feeling well.

Love you tons!

Parabolic Muse said...

AUGH!! This is fabulous.

My dog seems to think that every time she goes to a new home she should shit on their floor. As soon as we get there, after we've walked her and everything, she makes a special trip inside to poop on the floor. Luckily, her shit doesn't stink.

this wasn't about me, but I thought I'd show solidarity as best I could.

Scott said...

That was pretty fucking funny!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thanks, Scott! I hope you'll join us often here. We have a damn good time. I appreciate your comment.

Best,

SB