SB's Cranky Ass Is Back from Business Travel

SB's cranky ass is back from beautiful Genoa, Ohio, and her ass is WAY sick. I only have a voice part of the time today. That motherfucker keeps fading in and out. I sound like a damn choir boy going through puberty. I just came into the office to wrap up some loose ends this morning. I am heading out early to go home and go to beddy. I am WORN THE FUCK OUT, people. Seriously.

The most funnest part of the trip was when I went to test my NEW pocket tape recorder and said, "Cunt, cunty, motherfucking cunt, cocksucker, sonofabitching whore" into it and then played it back for the Moms. I cracked her ass up, especially since my voice sounded like an 80 year old man with a bad case of phlegm. How to have fun on a business trip! We imagined my accidentally hitting play on the recorder at the client site. Sorry to disappoint--it didn't happen. I need my job, people!

I did see one interesting thing at the Holiday Inn Express. I saw some German motherfucker in some new and EVEN MORE UNFLATTERING form of Speedo. That motherfucker had his privates barely covered by some sort of thong-like triangular Speedo. That shit was not an attractive sight. For once, I wished I had a cell phone so I could take a damn picture and gross all of you motherfuckers out, too! It was so bad that my ass navigated way the hell way out of the way so I wouldn't have to see the front side of the damn suit. I had to be able to sleep at some point, people, and that shit would have been burned on my damn brain. Why do the Europeans insist on showing their damn junk off? I'm sorry, maybe my ass is a Puritan American, but I don't want to see your damn old sausage in a Speedo. It fucking grosses me out. So cut my ass a break.

Here's a treat of a description for all you motherfuckers who never had the good fortune to visit lovely Ohio. Close your eyes. No cheating. Now picture pale yellow dried wheat fields, bleached by the sun. Then picture a field of corn taller than the tallest person in your family. There you go. Your asses just visited Ohio! Also, you should picture lots of people in baggy shorts with out-of-date hairstyles (possibly even mullets). There's your damn virtual vacation, compliments of SB. You're welcome.

I came back from the trip to the entire yard of my house (& I do mean ENTIRE YARD), covered in tables with tarps on them. Even my damn front picture window is covered over by racks of tarped clothes.

The kids next door are having a damn yard sale, and those motherfuckers just took over in SB's absence! Last night, when I was trying to unload the damn car from my trip, carloads of assholes were pulling up to try and crane their damn necks to see what would be sold today (the opening day of the yard sale). Motherfuckers in Ohio go apeshit over a yard or garage sale. APE SHIT. I guess you can understand that tendency better now that you have virtually visited our fine state. When all you have to look at is corn and wheat fields, you'd go apeshit over a sale, too. And don't act all lofty and superior, because you would, trust me.