Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Neighbor from HELL's Fucking Cell Phone Woke My Ass Up at 5:30 this Morning. Cunt.

Since it is warm here in Buttfuck-fucking-Ohio, I slept with the window over my bed, open, last night. I customarily drag my fat ass out of bed slightly before seven in the a.m. But this fuckingmorning, my ass was awakened by a strange sound that I, at first, thought might be a damn car alarm. Then, I, HATER OF CELL PHONES, realized that it was some sort of phone alarm.

Fucker proceeded to go off about every 10 minutes, so there was NO WAY IN HELL my ass was going to be able to go back to fucking Dreamland. After awhile, the tone on the cocksucker switched to a different, but equally LOUD, tone and then finally to screaming MONSTER TRUCK! (I shit you not) in an annoying electronic voice.

At this point, my highly grouchy and annoyed fat ass proceeded downstairs, and on the front porch underneath my bedroom window, is a pair of dirty-as-fuck jeans, and I figure out that the sound is coming from the offensive jeans. I momentarily considering retrieving the phone from the pocket of the pants and smashing shit out of it with a hammer, but since the jeans looked like somebody had maybe taken a crap in them, I decided fairly prudently, I think, NOT to.

Later in the morning, as I am getting ready to leave for work, I notice that the pants are gone and that the kids are sitting on the front step, waiting for the school bus.

As I'm walking to my car, I ask the kids if somebody had a phone with an alarm on the front porch last night. I told them that it had awakened me at 5:30. The little girl said: Mom played sand volleyball last night and took her pants off on the front porch and must have left her cell phone in the pocket.

At this point, SB thinks several things. 1) I think that I don't even want to IMAGINE the cunt next door's fat ass taking her jeans off on the front porch. SWEET JESUS. 2) I wonder WHY IN HELL the dumb fat bitch has her alarm set for 5:30 a.m., when her ass is jobless and on the welfare. 3) I decide firmly that if it happens again, said cell phone is going to get thrown in the street. I'm damn serious. We have a lot of passing dump trucks early in the morning on our street. I may even sit on the curb with a coffee and wait for the destruction to ensue. It would be symbolic for what I'd like to do to the cunt next door.

15 comments:

Misfits Vintage said...

No no don't smash it.

Keep it. Turn the volume way down low so she couldn't possibly hear it ring. And in a few hours when she realises that it's missing and rings her own number, answer it in your scariest crack-ho voice and tell her are the ghost of Osama Bin Laden. And then after a few days the battery will run out, THEN smash it and send the pieces to her by courier, COfuckinD.

What? Too much?

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Sarah,
Perhaps. Laugh.

Jane Lancaster said...

oh these neighbours are my worst nightmare.. I feel you SB ..you have my deepest sympathy.

xo

Mr.Mischief said...

I suggest a big squirt of this in the pocket of her jeans next time SB...or better yet, right inside the phone!

www.liquidass.com

mrs. miss alaineus said...

this is akin to being woken up too early by a hooker trip trapping-clap dripping on the stairs....i feel your pain, my sister to the south.

xxalainaxx

Christina @ Fashion's Most Wanted said...

Yes, what IDIOT sets their fucking alarm for 5.30am anyway? You are hilarious. Love you very much xx

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hi SB,
I think it's cruel to get people out of their sleep for no good reason.
Taking her jeans off on the front porch sounds like she's a little messed up. I know I'm a fine one to talk...
I hope this person stops harassing you.

Big Mark 243 said...

This is some seriously funny and just some serious stuff, too. What kind of take head neighbors do you have? Anywho, I would have soaked the phone and put it back in the jeans, but I can understand if the crap in them dissuade you from touching them!!

Omgrrrl said...

Sweet Baby Jane Jesus.

You did the right thing because you are actually a nice bastard. I woulda grabbed some salad tongs, taken the pants and the jeans out to the street so that they both would have succumbed to their fate under a garbage scowl and then called Child Protective Services.

[snort] volleyball?

What kind of grownassed parent plays volleyball?

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thanks Mr. M. and Mrs. Miss A.
I adore you both.

Christina,
I love you MORE!

Guy in the silk taffeta dress,
Yeah, messed up would be putting it politely, buddy.

Big Mark,
Good idea about soaking the phone. Laugh.

Omgrrrl,
If I had been more mentally awake, the tongs would have been a fine idea. I am at my slowest mentally in the a.m., unfortunately.

Love to all my family,

SB

Syd said...

I would have stomped the phone, shit on the pants and all.

Scott said...

You were too nice in this case but it probably saved you more hell down the road. You may be a bastard but i think you know people well and you know damn well idiots like this will make living next to them living hell if they found you destroyed their all important means of communication to all their WT friends. Good luck with the neighbors.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Scott,
I'll need luck. Although I hear the bitch and her brood may be moving next month. We'll see. I usually don't have that good of luck.

Thanks for reading moi.

SB

Scott said...

Always a Pleasure! I enjoy reading your "unique" insights.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thanks Scott and thanks for reading moi. I really appreciate it.