Thursday, August 13, 2009

Chatty Motherfuckers & Close Talkers

We are having a damn open house at work today. This means that the employees' asses had to park in another lot on another street and hike the fuck in, down the hill, through the morning dew and weeds and shit, so our dear customers will have convenient parking. And that shit (hiking through the dewy grass) fucked my motherfucking shoes up, motherfuckers. SB is NOT a happy camper this morning.

To top that shit off (I hate early morning exercise--actually, I hate damn exercise period.), the talkiest sonofabitch in the company pulled in behind me in the remote lot this morning and called out to me. AND I WAS JUST ABOUT TO MAKE A CLEAN GETAWAY.

SB FUCKING DESPISES chatty motherfuckers. Some people talk just TO HEAR THEMSELVES TALK. Maybe that's the only way they know they exist. That's way too existential a damn thought for this early.

My Uncle Gene (my idol even though he's a damn republican) hates chatty motherfuckers, too. If a chatty motherfucker calls Gene's crochety ass, he'll just hang up on them mid-conversation. I think he figures, at his age, he's not wasting anymore of his precious life on a chatty motherfucker.

Gene once got stuck in a van with my family and a chatty motherfucking friend FOR OVER AN HOUR. When we got to where we were going, Gene's ass hit the ground running (the damn van wasn't even fully stopped), trying to get away from this talky bitch. "Does that woman ever stop talking?" he asked me.

"Hell if I know, Gene."

Anyhoo, going back to my morning hike of tragedy--you can't get away from this person at work. If you EVEN NOD YOUR HEAD at this motherfucker, this CREATURE FROM HELL launches into their ENTIRE LIFE STORY. It does not take a breath. If you even say a word talking to somebody else in this thing's near vicinity, it will interject itself into your conversation, and then YOU CAN'T GET AWAY. EVER. YOUR ASS IS STUCK THERE FOR ALL ETERNITY.

I have a chatty motherfucking relative like that, too. You literally just have to start walking the fuck out the door, and then of course, her ass follows you, still talking, TO THE GODDAMN DRIVEWAY. It's horrible. You just have to drive away. I always check the rear view, once I hit the street, too, to be sure her ass is not following me. It makes SB a little paranoid.

SB also has another relative who gets right in your shit (face) to talk to you. SB's ass is always backing up, because I just CANNOT ABIDE A DAMN CLOSE TALKER. Get the fuck out of my space, motherfucker! Are you trying to look to see whether I have blackheads or some shit? Because that's the only logical reason to stand SO CLOSE to a motherfucker that I can fucking feel your stink shit breath on my face.

By the way, SB does not have blackheads. I use Biore, motherfuckers!


Vincent Santa Cruz said...

Man, that made me laugh. As a journo, I once had to interview some Bitch when I was in the US. Now, if you like your personal space, us Brits want personal space, plus a fucking sterile zone.

Anyway, the Bitch leaned right in, so I stepped back to get some space, and she stepped forward, the cunt. She had these massive tits pushing me backwards, and in the end I was literally cornered. Everyone else in the room was laughing cause it was obvious, but she just leaned on in, p[inning me back with her plastic tits and talking in my face.

So I figured I'd lean forward, thereby creating full on contact with her tits, and that she would back off.

No! The Bitch rubbed them against me. After the meeting, she invited me to dinner, just her and me. She thought I had been coming on to her.

I would have fucked her, but her moustache was better than mine!

Ms. Moon said...

There is a mental illness, I am sure, that causes people to talk like that. I have known a few and it is just as you describe. There is NO polite way to get away from them. Drive away.
I sort of love your Uncle Gene.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

That certainly DOES NOT sound like an appealing encounter. My sympathies. GROSS.

Love you buckets,


Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ms. Moon,
You would love Uncle Gene, if you knew him. And he would love you. He much prefers the company of women to men. The whole family idolizes him. He is our patriarch.

It will be interesting to see how he reacts this weekend when my cousin (his only daughter) gets married.

Much love, SB.

Steph said...

Amen all over the place. Especially the stinky breath bit.

Brother Frankie said...

i second the amen..

i am always in trouble for walking away, or just hanging up the phone.

now, for the lay guy its accepted, as a minister i am expected to be "chatty tolerant"

shoot, im not even politically correct.

im a counselor at times now, listening to the whining of many chatty cathy's and gabby gary's, but i do it heavily medicated.

love ya SB, you da bomb

brudda frankie
a heavily medicated
Biker for Christ

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Brother Frankie in da house. I dig my Brother Frankie. He's one COOL cat.

Sarcastic Bastard
a heavily medicated
technical editor

Brother Frankie said...

you would have a friggin ball at one of my sermons.. i use illustrations from my street days..
oh yeah, i dont hide my past at all.. hehehehe u gotta see the straights when im in the pulpit..

sigh, i very rarely get asked back..

side note.. my moms nickname for me was BB or bitch bastard... LOL

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Brother Frankie,
You are always welcome here. We'd always ask you back. Characters welcome.

Love you,