Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The REAL Reason the North Won the Civil War

The Yankees only won the damn Civil War because the South ran out of buttwipe. Those motherfuckers in the North shut down all the supply lines, and the South ran out of NECESSITIES like food, coffee, whiskey, and toilet paper.

So don't you damn yankees feel all superior, because hoarding the toilet paper was the ONLY reason your asses won. THE ONLY REASON.

Too bad dear Shelby Foote isn't still around. I think SB's theory needs further validation.

With the help of Cottonelle (puppies!), THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN!

Note: SB only buys the Cottonelle puppies brand buttwipe, because it's the best. Well worth the extra money. SB must have luxurious Bobby Trendy toilet paper! I also always grab the pack at Kroger's, hug it to my chest, and cry "PUPPIES!" joyfully, whenever I buy buttwipe. It was a bone of contention with the ex-husband. For some reason, he found that shit embarrassing.

17 comments:

gingermagnolia said...

Nice Bobby Trendy reference! It's luxxxxuuuurious toilet paper.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Gingermagnolia,
I miss my dear precious Anna, and I even miss Bobby T. un poco. Just a little.

Were you an Anna Nicole watcher? I loved her show.

Love you 2,

SB

Ms. Moon said...

And the damyankees even stole all the corn and leaves and EVERYTHING, making sure that the poor southerners had absolutely nothing to wipe their butts with.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

You are exactly right, Ms. Moon. Damn thieving motherfuckers!

Brother Frankie said...

im thinking this goes right along with your wool fetish... just sayin

Brudda Frankie

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Bruddah Frankie in da house. I loves ma Bruddah Frankie!

SB

Brother Frankie said...

u r a trip babe.. but i love the hell out of ya

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Back at you, Frankie. You are one of my favorite Internet friends. It just goes to prove that Christians and liberal weirdos can get along. Too bad the whole world isn't like the two of us. I guess that would be a few too many SBs though.

Love you!

afk4life said...

Hmmm...I think maybe a factual error in your story. The South never ran out of whiskey :/
Doug

gingermagnolia said...

I was indeed an Anna watcher. Poor, beautiful lady. We should eat a pickle in her memory.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Gingermagnolia,
I figured. I think we should eat a pickle AND drink some Strawberry Quik.

I SO miss her! The world is so much more boring without her.

Love, SB.

Ms. Moon said...

She would probably have loved cherry Jello dill pickles. I would gladly give her the jar in my refrigerator. Or did you take those home, DTG?

Syd said...

I won't tell the local Wawah buffs that sed Wawah was lost due to lack of butt wipes. Heck, they had corn cobs. What more could a person need? And then later there was the Sears and Roebuck catalog. It was good for at least 300-400 wipes depending on how stingy you were.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ms. Moon,
My dear Anna liked all pickles, so she probably would have.

Sheria said...

I hate to be out of sync with a fellow southerner, but I'll exercise my right to bear arms and to shoot them before I allow the South to rise again. Some things need to stay buried.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Sheria,
You know how I feel about you. I hope that I did not offend. I was being tongue in cheek.

You are loved,

SB

Steph said...

The thought of you hugging a package of TP and crying "PUPPIES!" is just too fucking awesome.