Tuesday, August 18, 2009

SB Is Back Motherfuckers

My grouchy ass is back from Cousin Sheila's wedding. It went off without a damn hitch, except for the 90-degree weather and a few car break-ins out in the lodge lot. And I'm telling you motherfuckers--this fucking park (where the wedding took place) is in Bumfuck-fucking-Ohio. We're talking way out in farm country, with lots of bike trails. So my point is that NO PLACE IS SAFE FROM CRIME. Got me? Thieving motherfuckers just beat a few of the windows in and made off with one of the bridesmaid's iPhone, credit cards, etc. She was really nice about it, but my ass would have been PISSED. So thanks Thieving Motherfucker who put the sole blight on my saintly cousin's wedding day. I'd like to stick that iPhone up your fucking thieving ass.

I was the oldest bitch in the wedding party, but I had the handsomest youngster (and the tallest) walk my fat ass up the aisle. The kid is a dentist, so once he told me that, I covered my teeth with my hands of course. Who wouldn't? Yes, you would.

The wedding party was in the full-on sun, and it was 90-fucking-degrees outside. Our asses were sweating--literally. Then the gorgeous (and I'm serious) day lodge where they had the reception was not airconditioned. And there were like 80 motherfuckers there to party down, and so there was no relief there. SB was so HOT that I stayed in the damn sleeveless dress that didn't fit me quite right the entire time. Normally, my tomboy ass would have been back in jeans and a t-shirt before you could say motherfucker.

Yes, there were pictures, (I hate having my photograph taken), and NO, I'm not sharing. You will never see a photo of SB until my ass loses at least 30 pounds. SB is a vain motherfucker. I will, however, post a photo of my beautiful cousin once the wedding pics are developed. She was the prettiest bride I have ever seen. WE ARE VERY PROUD OF SHEILA. Most of her friends discussed her service works and how unselfish she is. DID I MENTION HOW PROUD WE ARE OF SHEILA? As far as SB is concerned, Sheila is the best of our family, hands-fucking-down. There is nobody I'd rather sweat my ass off for than her. I'd do it again twenty times.

10 comments:

downtown guy said...

Last time I had to wear a tux for a wedding, I looked like Mayor of the Munchkin City.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

DTG,
I'm sure your ass was adorable. I'm taller than shit, but I would be happy to accompany you down the aisle as part of any wedding party.

Love you buckets,

SB

downtown guy said...

I suspect we'd look a little like a visual gag from the golden age of Warner Brothers' cartoons.

May said...

Next time I get married we can make that happen.
OH SB! I'm so glad you're back! I can't believe someone broke into the cars at the wedding. That is so low. Do you have any nasty jealous cousins of ill-repute? Jealosy is a bitch. I had a dream while you were gone that I was in a wedding and my hair fell down while I was walking down the aisle with a groomsman and I tried to sneak behind a pillar or some shit to fix it and missed the entire wedding. And then some lady asked me, "Do you even know anyone here?" and I realized I didn't. Whew. Weddings stress me out. But if I DO ever get married again I want you and DTG walking down that aisle. You can both wear whatever the hell you want.

afk4life said...

SB
Lol glad yer back since you were gone it seems like every keystroke has an echo. As for me idk if it's 90 out no a/c I take off everything and jump in the lake, not like I have much worth looking at lol. Looking forward to seeing the pics and email me one of you cos I'm really curious even if it's a yearbook pic LOL.
<3
Doug

Sarcastic Bastard said...

May,
I'll be there with bells on when you get married!

Weddings ARE stressful indeed. Mine was little, and I was still a damn Bridezilla.

LOVE YOU!

SB

Syd said...

SB, I hope that the dress wasn't some kind of taffeta stuff that holds body heat in. My wife said that it is hell to wear some kind of hot fabric and then sweat and have big stains under the arm pits. I have no problem with this but then I don't wear taffeta or silk or any of that kind of stuff. I'm with you on the torn jeans and ripped tee shirt.

Heather said...

I'm glad your back, it just was it the same with out you.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Doug,
That comment was really sweet. You know SB loves you!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Syd,
It's funny, I always picture you in taffeta. It's too bad you never wear it.

The dress was taffeta. Hotter than a motherfucker that stuff.

Love you,

SB