Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Scary Fucking Jesus (for Beth)

Uhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm, okay. YES. My ass needs to be EVEN MORE FRIGHTENED of the cross-hanging Saviour than I was already, due to the fact that I was LOCKED IN A CHAPEL with BIG BLOODY CROSS-HANGING JESUS once at dad's company X-mas party, when SB was a profanity-spewing slip of a girl.

I just went to get a piece of gum out of mom's coat pocket in the chapel, AND THEN I COULDN'T GET OUT, because the goddamn heavy wooden door jammed, and I just KNEW that if I turned around and looked, AGONIACAL BLOODY JESUS WOULD HAVE GOTTEN DOWN OFF THAT CROSS (DRIPPING GORY BLOOD) AND HIS HOLY ASS WAS STANDING. . . RIGHT. . . BEHIND ME. JESUS WAS GOING TO TRY AND DRAG MY PRECIOUS ASS TO HEAVEN WITH HIM, AND WHO WANTS THAT, WHEN THEY ARE EXPECTING SANTA TO BRING THEM A BRAND NEW 10-SPEED BIKE FOR CHRISTMAS??? Not me, motherfuckers.

SB didn't want to sit around with a bunch of boring overly-religious dead people, singing hymns on puffy white clouds and shit (because you just know heaven is a Lutheran-type place, where they sing too many goddamn hymns), when I could be riding my new 10-speed around the neighbourhood, rubbing the fact that I got it in the faces of the poorer neighbourhood children. Heaven can wait, motherfuckers!

Feel free to share your own tale of Jesus fright in the comments section. Since Catholics have the scariest goriest Jesuses, your stories are especially welcomed. No Scary Nun stories, though, please. This is the SCARY JESUS category ONLY! We lapsed Methodists can't relate to all that angry nun shit.

14 comments:

miss alaineus said...

i need to swap your scary jesus out with the one on the wall in my classroom. that will put the fear of the lord into the little effers.

holy shit! look at that jesus and tell me you didnt take a cupcake off my desk!


xxalainaxx

downtown guy said...

Great zombie Jesus!

No, seriously, mom didn't raise us church-like, so no scary Jesii for me.

Oh, but you might dig this:
http://www.badkarmaproductions.com
/jc/?p=35

Alec Beattie said...

Absolutely fuck all to do with Jeezuz except some rhyming of the 'eez'.
I found a website you might like, with your love of the precocious kitty and mutt.
Check out www.icanhascheezburger.com

PS Being a Cafflic EVERYTHING spiritual is scary, especially nuns.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Miss Alaineus,
Would you care to contribute a photo of your Jesus for future Scary Jesus postings?

My email: ugadawg1@woh.rr.com

Love you,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

DTG,
Thanks for the tip, I'll check it out.

Love,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Alec,
I love that site! A good friend of mine tipped me off to that one.

Sending love,

SB

downtown guy said...

Also:
http://epicdystopia.blogspot.com
/2009/08/i-feel-so-creative.html

Ms. Moon said...

Miss HoneyLuna and I are watching the Blues Brothers movie right now (the original, of COURSE) and the Jesus in the orphanage where Jake and Elwood were raised is sorta scary. I told Miss HoneyLuna, "Hey! Sarcastic Bastard needs to add that to her Scary Jesus series!"

Nellie said...

SB - I don't know if my comments are going through. I don't think the last one did but I don't want to send you duplicates. So I'll just wait and see I guess. But I want you to know I'm still checking up on your brilliance.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

My Dear Ms. Moon,
Sending BIG LOVE to you and our recuperating Ms. HoneyLuna. I wish her the speediest damn recovery EVER.

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Nellie,
I'm getting your comments just fine, my dear. I don't know about brilliance, but I sure as hell thank you for saying that.

SB sends you BIG LOVE!

Vincent Santa Cruz said...

That is one sexy look for a saviour of mankind!

I would, if I was gay.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Vincent,
I love you, but sometimes you worry me a little.

Brother Frankie said...

he has an alien mid torso, looks like a lizard..look at the belly, it the nose/mouth..

(my word verifivation today was "CRAAP")