Monday, August 3, 2009

SB's NEW Hair

This is SB's new hair colour. I wish it was my face and body as well, but damn it, it isn't. Seriously, this is exactly how I had my hair coloured over the weekend.

The young people like it. The older crowd (including the Moms) mostly don't. One fucking rude person (former friend) even came right out and said she didn't like it. Her fucking opinion was unfuckingsolicited. If I didn't like her hair, I wouldn't have said anything at all.

Well, I like it, so fuck it. I look like a trendy fucking member of Duran Duran or Kajagoogoo or some damn shit. I be stylin, peeps.

This particular hair colour cost my ass just over $200.00, and it took 3 motherfucking hours total. Well worth it. Well worth it. And don't ask me for a goddamn picture, because SB is photo-phobic, and your asses aren't getting one. And if you keep bugging me about that shit, it will make me hostile (okay, MORE hostile). Just pretend the photo above is SB.

I finally tried on the bridesmaid dress for my cousin's wedding (my ass had five fucking months to see if that shit fit and lose some weight, but I just tried it on yesterday--two weeks before the wedding--I procrastinate a little), and my fat ass couldn't even zip the side zip up, so I called and cried to a customer service person at J. Crew today, and those fine people are rushing me a dress two fucking sizes bigger. Thank Christ! The stress was giving me heart palpatations. My Aunt would have killed me if my ass didn't match the other chicks in the wedding. I did not want to have to call and tell her at this fucking point that I would be wearing jeans. Sheila (the bride) could have given a shit--she's laid back like her cousin here--but it would have created much familial strife and umbrage.

Also over the weekend, the Moms and I attempted to assemble a midgety wang fucking console table that I bought online from the Target. CAN YOU MOTHERFUCKERS SAY--NEVER AGAIN--ALONG WITH SB???

The fucking Chinese--there must have been 500 or so screws, widgets, screw covers, and other ill-fitting assorted hardware pieces. I kept cursing the damn Chinese craftsmen, as I screwed in the 20th mini-screw of about 60 fucking total into the back side of the table. Damn midget-dicked motherfucking wiley wang asshole cunt sonofabitching Chinese craftsmen!

I have a theory that war with China is inevitable, and the Chinese know that shit and are only nice to us now because we purchase so many damn goods from them. The Chinese designers take their revenge by making those goods as fucking frustrating as possible to assemble. I lost about 2.3 years of my life to that cocksucking console table.

It is hard to even enjoy the damn thing because I give it the side-eye and sigh every time I walk past the fucker. I hope I will overcome this feeling of UTTER DESPAIR in time.

The Moms and I only got to step 2 on the goddamn instruction manual before we threw up our manos in despair and called daddums to come and bail our retarded workshop asses out.

Then, hours later, after we finally got the fucker assembled, SB finds out the damn console would make a good desk for a dwarf. SB is 5 foot 10 inches, so now I've got a midgety console to sit my glass of wine and books on. I bought a damn stunning Bob Marley coffee table book specifically for the WANG table, and I have to turn the fucker sideways to fit it on the table top, and EVEN THEN, that shit hangs over some.

The Disdainful One, for some goddamn reason known only to cats, likes to lay under the table though. So there is that.

15 comments:

Lady Lemon said...

DUDE! That is some rocking ass hair my friend. I don't know if I would have the balls to sport such a bold do, but I am sure glad that you do! Seriously, that shit is awesome.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Lady Lemon,
Thanks. It just takes some getting used to. I think I like it, too.

People either love it or hate it. There is no middle ground.

Love ya,

SB

Lady Lemon said...

That's how it is with all the best stuff, isn't it? Love it or hate it?

BTW- I sent you an email. Completely unrelated topic.

sKILLz said...

You like it. that's ALL that matters, point blank!

Ms. Moon said...

Yeah. I love it. Done. Period. The End.
You want to know about China? Read "Lost On Planet China" by Maarten Troost. I did. I am never going to China and I fear for the planet.
But besides that! I love you, Ms. SB.
Ms. Moon

Syd said...

SB, your comments on the Chinese craftsmen are funny. But I have to agree. In some cases, there aren't even the correct screws and the instructions are a bunch of diagrams that make no sense. I rarely find anything made in USA anymore.

Put The Lotion In The Basket said...

ah YA still a SCISSOR SISTER
Cool
Nice one
XXXXXX

May said...

I LOVE the hair! I bet you look even more magnificent than that girl.
I got a rinse to make my hair more cohesive recently (I've been going from blond to brown to blond) and I picked this sort-of golden color.... I only noticed when the shit was in my hair that they named it "Sunflower Princess". Oh yeah. I am such a sunflower princess, let me tell you.
loveyou,
May

Brother Frankie said...

i would have loved watchin ya after eating a few oxy's..

im finding pleasure in watching other peoples response to those passive aggressive lil chinese gooks. Those "you build it" things from china are going to be our countries downfall.

im gonna fantasize about the hair color and that butt of yours squeezin into the dress that must of shrunk..(probably made in china)

love ya
That right wing schmuck
Brother Frankie

jrains80 said...

SB, I can relate to the "new hair" comment from a so-called friend. Few years ago I went from long, wavy semi-80s tresses to a sophisticated Anna Wintor type cut, straight, short with bangs. My ex-friend said, "Did you get your hair cut?" Obviously I said Yep! She said, "I thought so," and proceeded to walk in her fucking house. I stood there, giving the finger to the air. We are no longer friends (not because of the hair.) If one cannot say something nice, they should say nothing at all I say, especially when it comes to one's coifure page-boy fluff.
Love ya SB, and sick of China shit too!
Peace...Jenn

Sarcastic Bastard said...

May,
You are a FUCKING SUNFLOWER PRINCESS to me!

Love you back. You are one of my favorite people.

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Nick,
Ya are STILL MA SCISSOR BROTHER!

I love you shitloads,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

My Dear Ms. Moon,
You are my IDOL, and I love you MORE, as they say in my family.

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Brother Frankie,
You are one of my favorite Christians. You are cool, and SB loves YOU!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Jenn,
Thanks for the hairdo solidarity, sister. What a shitty thing for your former friend to do. Fuck her. She was probably just jealous. We can't all be fashion icons. You and I were just picked--we didn't choose that shit.

SB loves ya!