Friday, May 1, 2009

New SB Feature! Bastardly Pets

SB is a tad grouchy this morning because I've only had three cups of coffee, so bear with me here people. Bastardly Pets is a new feature that I'm adding to the site, where I am going to feature friends' pets.

We are leading off here with my dear friend Lou's cat. Interestingly, Lou, who is one of the nicest people EVER in the world EVER, says the cat is just not that into her. The damn moggy loves Lou's husband the most! Jesus. Fucking felines. What are you going to do?

Lou said the cat gets all sorts of horrified when she tries to hold it. Of course, SB reminded Lou that it is ALWAYS MORE FUN TO LOVE THE UNWILLING! Why is that, people? I love to kiss the Disdainful One, while her fat ass squirms and writhes and tries to escape. Human nature is perverse like that. We love rejection! Treat us like shit, and we're coming back for some more!

Anyhoo, SB WILL FEATURE ANY AND EVERY PET that I receive photos of, even if it takes me until I'm a grey-haired memaw. Grandpets are okay, too.

Please send pet photos to my e-mail account: Also, if you like, please send a brief snippet about the interesting quirks or personality of the pet photographed, such as: Fluffy likes to eat the crotches out of my step-daughter's underwear. But we still love her! She is an indispensable part of our family unit!

My readers want to know something about the damn animal. Not just look at the fucking photo.

For those of you SB readers who aren't that keen on pets, you are just going to have to skim over the Bastardly Pets. I'm sorry, but we can't please everyone because that would make my shit crazy. Besides, if you fuckers start telling me what I should post on my site, I might as well pack my bags and move over to communist fucking China or to Russia or some shit. Can you imagine about how long SB would last in either of those two countries? My ass would be shot within about an hour, because I'm a goddamn rebel, and I'LL SAY WHAT THE FUCK I WANT!


Lou said...

What a beautiful example of the feline species. I wish you had let your readers know what a "catty" bitch she is though. One cannot get through life on a gorgeous furry face alone. Her personality SUCKS I tell you. I'm going to put her in the microwave right now.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Yes, your moggy is a beauty!

I also forgot to mention that you DID NOT cut the cat's tail off. I don't want the PETA coming after you! They get a little worked up over shit like that.


Love ya,


Anonymous said...

Pretty kitty. She's all roly-poly and shit.

I've got a poodle... Is that too dainty for your blog?

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I'd love some pics of your poodle, Birdpress. Send them to me when you get a chance.

Thanks for reading.