Friday, May 29, 2009

You Motherfuckers Are Going to Be Virtually Tired this Weekend!

Posts are going to be light or non-existent until next Tuesday or Wednesday. I am off work after today for the BIG move. I should have high-speed Road Runner hooked up at some point on Monday, but I won't be back to work until Wednesday next week. Good thing, since I am not getting moved until Sunday. I was planning for tonight or Saturday, but the landlord fucked around. Oh well. Such is life.

Today is the Community-Wide Garage Sale here in Buttfuck, Ohio. You have NEVER IN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING LIFE seen anything like this shit here. It's a mid-western thing I guess--motherfuckers GO CRAZY for bargains at garage sales. If you are not careful (like on my way to work this morning), your ass will take out an elderly couple or some kids, running across the damn street to snap up garage sale goodies. Ohioans just lose their damn minds for a good garage sale! Mid-westerners are some thrifty-ass motherfuckers.

My whole housing development was a clusterfuck of double-parked motherfuckers and rushing pedestrians this morning. Motherfuckers were ENTIRELY oblivious to oncoming traffic. Some elderly couple JOGGED (I shit you not) right out in front of me, they were in such a damn garage sale FRENZY! The woman had her FUG fanny pack on with all her buckeroos stuffed in it to buy her damn crap. [NOTE: Mid-westerners don't know how to dress either. You gay men would be fucking horrified. You'd want to re-dress every Ohioan. Trust my ass on this.]

I know all of you, my beloved motherfuckers, who regularly read this blog would be happy to help my ass move if you lived in the area. Since you don't, I'm asking you to be there in spirit and to help me move virtually. Your asses are going to be virtually fucking tired come Monday!

I'll drink to all of you from the new place this weekend. I'll have a spare bedroom (unfinished at this point) and all of you readers (BUT NOT CHRISTIAN DAVE GEE--BLESS HIS HEART) are welcome to come and stay. Because who in this world could possibly die and not visit OHIO? You don't want to leave the Earth sphere and miss out on the mid-western experience, people! We have cornhole, motherfuckers! You haven't lived until you've gotten smashed and played CORNHOLE! One of my gay friends says he's really good at cornhole because he's played it most of his life. That shit cracks me up.

If you can pass on the damn cornhole, SB always has a well-stocked bar.

Have a great weekend, all!

16 comments:

Put The Lotion In The Basket said...

Hey is dat Green Bus for sale as well.
awesome
always wanted one
how much
Love and hope move is all goodd
Nick xxx

afk4life said...

Re-dress Ohioans, or undress them? Hmm. There's some really cute guys there but too many cornfields for me, though the cities I've visited seemed okay.

Doug

Sarcastic Bastard said...

This is sad, Doug, but when I lived in New York City for a year, I actually MISSED the damn corn fields! Can you believe that shit? I grew up in the country across from one.

Love,

SB

nan said...

Cornhole. HA! Can't wait. Next time I go visit my brother in Kent, I just may have to roadtrip to wherever-the-hell-ohio and sit my ass down in your living room for a spell.

Best of luck on the move SB. Love ya!

Sasha (Malchik Gai) said...

SB is soooo not kidding about the garage/yard sales here. It's insane! they just don't even act like they've got brains anymore when they happen.... Think Night of the Living Dead and you're just about there, only more mindless.
BAARRGAAINSS

Lou said...

I will wait for next week's posting of naked people I have never heard of.

It will be hard, but I will do it.

Syd said...

You are so funny. Hey, we have cornhole down here too. Did you see Deliverance? We have other kinds of holing as well.
There is garage sale mania here also. It must be the same all over. Greed...

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I would love to meet you, Nan. You are welcome anytime. Me casa, su casa.

Love you back!

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Lou,
You made me laugh. Good one!

Much love as always,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Malchik,
Love the zombie reference! That is right on the money, my friend.

Love,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Syd,
Yes, I did see Deliverance. That movie scared the HELL out of me.

I do believe the good old South is noted for all kinds of holing. You are correct. I can say that, because my family is from Mississippi. My sympathies are entirely southern I assure you.

In fact, I had a photo of dear General Lee and one of Nathan Bedford Forrest on my refrigerator. They will be put up on the new fridge this very weekend. I love reading about the Civil War and visiting the battle sites.

Love to you. Have a great weekend!

SB

Ms. Moon said...

You know what I think? I think people EVERYWHERE are crazy.
Be safe in moving and try not to hit the elders in fanny packs. And please, shoot me should I ever even consider wearing a fanny pack. I'm serious.

Alec Beattie said...

Good luck with the moving and that. We have car boot sales in the UK. Strictly for the plebs.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

You and I are MUCH TOO COOL for fanny packs, Ms. Moon, unless we get the Alzheimer's or some shit.

SB loves ya!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thanks, Alec. I will drink a frosty Stella to you in my new kitchen!

Love and have a great weekend!

SB

AnnaGrace said...

I thought rummagesales were just a Wisconsin thing. Now I hear that Ohio has the same sales, I feel like a diry fat sheep.

So garagesales are a midwest thing? The entire midwest partispates in these rumagesales? Motherfucker! I wanted to be diffrent.

I bet Wisconsinites dress worse than Ohioians. People from Wisconsin are still carring around those Louie Vatan bags from three or four years ago. Sorry, don't know how to spell the name,goes to prove my point, as I am from Wisconsin!

Good luck on your move. Drink up hon.
AG
XXX