Thursday, May 14, 2009

The Last Supper in the Mental Asylum

This shit is my new SB banner when I get the time [and don't you motherfuckers be stealing it]. SB totally identifies with mental asylum patients for somewhat obvious reasons.

Actually, my Great Step-Grandma, Bertha, was in an asylum for awhile. I'm not sure what my good-looking, blue-eyed Great Grandpa saw in her. That ho was no catch. She was a big load of trouble, and she wasn't even good-looking. She had frizzy hair, for chrissakes! Bitch couldn't cook either. She didn't have the mental capacity to follow even a simple damn recipe. She probably couldn't even fix a damn hot dog and boxed macaroni-and-cheez. Maybe her ass was hot in bed, though. Actually, strike that. I don't want to even think about that shit because it's pretty fucking gross.

Anyhoo, I don't know where Great Grandpa and Bertha met, but it was sort of unfortunate for the ENTIRE family, other than the fact that Grandpa wasn't as lonely.

One time my Grandma Peg loaded up Great Grandpa and Bertha's freezer with meat, but thought maybe she forgot to plug the freezer in (since it had been empty before), so she phoned Grandpa up, and Bertha's crazy ass answered. Grandma Peg instructed Bertha to go out to the damn garage and plug the cord to the freezer in, so the meat wouldn't spoil. Well, I guess the damn freezer actually was plugged in, so mental Bertha got confused and unplugged the fucker. All the meat went bad and stunk to high heaven. That ho couldn't even be trusted with the simplest task.

Also, another time Grandma Peg went over to Great Grandpa's house, and she was brushing Bertha's hair for her with an old-fashioned bristled brush, and Grandma stepped away for a hot minute to answer the door, and when she came back, Bertha's ass had eaten all the bristles off the brush. When Bertha's ass smiled at Grandma, the bristles were hanging out from between her damn teeth, if you can believe that shit.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Bertha was my Step Great Grandma and NOT MY GENETIC RELATIVE!


Syd said...

Okay, I'm glad that she wasn't contributing to the gene pool from whence you came. Hopefully, she didn't contribute to the gene pool at all. Just sayin'.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

She didn't have any kids that she knew about, Syd. LOL.

~Babz~ said...

So glad you pointed out that she was a step-grandma, you know I might've thought some strange shit, right? Jeeez Louise it sounds like some of the strange shit that went on when I was a kid, like Grandma Kate, who everybody says I am just like, she cooked the Wonder Bread biscuits in the package. Now, I think it said you could cook them in the tray that they came in but you had to take the plastic off and she didn't. We had these colorful biscuits with the wonder bread logo balloons on them. I thought they were cool, personally. But she was always doing crazy shit. They finally took her license away after she hit the Chief of Police with her '48 Nash. It was a sad day cause we used to do some serious cruising, me and Grandma.

Oddly enough, I can so relate to being in an asylum too, don't ask me why.

I lived less than a mile from Kings Park Mental a ghoulish place if I ever saw one. I think I blogged about it with photos, I'll have to look.

Big Straight Jacket Hugz

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Your Grandma Kate sounds great to me, Babz. Truly awesome! I dig the Wonder Bread logo biscuits, man.

Big Straight Jacket Hugz Back,


Indigo said...

Oh I think in this case I would be glad she wasn't related. (Hugs)Indigo

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Hi, dear Indigo. Thanks for checking out my site and commenting.

I am very glad she wasn't related.

Much love to you,


Herbert Barry Woodrose said...

Woah. Now THAT'S crazy.

I think people get even more creeped out by mental illness in their family than by other kinds of physical diseases. I don't know. I'm down with all of it. It wouldn't be fun to be running down the street in your underwear waving a cleaver, 62 years old? That's a day for the photo album...

Fishwhiskers said...

SB ... ya know what they say: Dumb fucks well!!! So maybe that was what made your grandpa happy :-) xx

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Maybe, Fishy. Maybe.

Anonymous said...

Haha, I'm almost pissin myself here. I think Dixie Carter said it best on the old show designing women. I'm southern, we're proud of our crazy relatives; we don't lock em up we like to parade em around for the whole world to see. Something to that effect anyway. So very glad I came by here..

Anonymous said...

I totally want to read more stories about Bertha.