Thursday, May 14, 2009

A Magical Couple Gone Wrong: Jordan and Peter Andre

The big break-up story over here in America is stupid Jon and Kate of some dumb reality TV show where these two dumb twats have eight little screaming brats running around. Who cares? SB doesn't care--NOT WHEN THE MOST MAGICAL COUPLE OF ALL-TIME (PETER ANDRE AND JORDAN) ARE SPLITTING UP! (See fairly tale wedding photo above. Obviously, it was happier times for these two love birds.) The whole thing has sort of got me down, quite frankly. I mean, if Jordan and Peter can't make it with their special glittery love in this world, how do the rest of us less shiny people possibly hope to make a long-term relationship work?

Anyhoo, SB is seriously convinced that Peter Andre REALLY LOVES Jordan/Katie Price. It's just that Katie's spray tan, numerous boob operations, hair extensions, and drinking (DRINKING--DID I MENTION KATIE'S DRINKING?) got in the way of the pair's magical destiny of love.

Also, there is Harvey. I know that Peter loves Jordan because he puts up with stuff like Harvey yelling curse words at him. Harvey is Jordan's bastard mentally-challenged son from a bang-and-run with a famous Brit athlete, whom Peter adopted. (That's Harvey in the foreground in the photo below. He's kind of a big kid, but don't be mean, the Harvster has developmental disabilities.)

Anyhoo, everyday SB MUST read the English tabloids to hear the latest developments in this heartbreaking saga. I'm worried about the Harvster! Peter is his daddy now. Harvey needs his daddy!

Yesterday, "DISTRAUGHT" Peter Andre fled his Greek compound. I guess Jordan took off with all the kids (EXCEPT POOR HARVEY!) for parts unknown. Bitch is hiding out. It's like a real-life soap opera! Will Peter chase after her, or has he truly given up on their precious love?

SB just can't believe their magical romance is over. It hurts my heart.

16 comments:

Findon said...

SB You're really nice and everything and the blogs are wonderful. But Peter and Jordan????. You really do need to get out a little more. Have you tried WWF or bowling or how about a part time Mcjob. Our Mps and then money grabbing is a much better show to watch. Especially as the papers are drip feeding us day by day. Its delicious to see these parasites squirming. Peter and Jordan. Really!!!!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Finny,
I just LOVE Jordan! She is England's Anna Nicole Smith. Our Anna Nicole expired in an unfortunate manner, as you may have heard. Jordan has now filled that empty void in my heart.

I'm glad the parasites are squirming, but we've got plenty of our own parasites in congress, so with the bad economy, it's escapism I'm looking for, my dear.
Jordan maybe bad entertainment, but she is entertainment none the less.

Much love and many thanks for reading,

SB

Herbert Barry Woodrose said...

I laughed again somehow even though all these names are completely foreign to me. I guess I wouldn't mind if you were yelling about banks and Obama and pirates and the economy -as long as you were still putting up embarrassing photos and calling them twats. Or Penii. And then it would just be a formula.

No... I have to agree with you SB, I need to read genuine outrage and drama from the Sarcastic Bastard. It somehow still works even when I don't know who the weak-ass players are. Like the mental picture of that family pulling over to cry about thunder,,, hilarious.

Fishwhiskers said...

Blimey, SB ... your sick ... in a good way. Jordan is nothing like Anna Nicole I reckon, at least AN had some brain capacity. I look at Peter and Jordan just as some cardboard cutouts ... so not real. But then, maybe I am too wrapped up in myself to care about those too idiots LOL

Hope your day's going well, hon. xxx

Put The Lotion In The Basket said...

Hey SB, I think ya gonna like this.
A few or ten years ago Jordan as she was then did a show where minor celebs did a boring job undercover for a week to see if the ordinary folk could guess they were amoungst the Gods.
Well Jordan did one as a stable maid looking after show jumping horses, anyway at the end no one had guessed she was a celeb so she had to sit down and fess up. One of the ordinary folk was a boy of 16 who also worked there and he was 'ahh WOW' I been living with Jordan 'oh WOW', and she then gave him a wank mag with pics of herself in and told him to enjoy it.
I mean she's one classy broad AH.
I too worry about Harvey but more from a selfish point of view, this is a small island right and he fucking expands lfaster than the universe.
Love Ya Nick XXX

Vincent Santa Cruz said...

Fuck me, SB, that's out of order, describing Dwight Yorke as a "famous Brit athlete". He's a fucking shitheap!

By the by, if Peter loves the Harvster so much, why doesn't pull the fucker's trousers up for him?

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Hi, dear Herbert. SB loves hearing from you. Thank you for reading and commenting, even if you don't know who the hell Jordan and Peter Andre are.

Much love to you,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

SB loves you, Fishy! Thanks for reading. Have a terrific weekend. Hug the dogs for me.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Great story, my dear Nick. Loved it!

The comment about Harvey REALLY made me laugh, especially coming from you my dear sweet boy with the tender heart.

Thanks for reading and commenting. I love you veddy, veddy much.

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Vincent,
What do I know from British athletes? I'm just repeating what the all-knowing Sun said. You know if The Sun says it, it must be true!

Yeah, the sagging trouser issue with Harvey bothers me, too, but you know that Jordan. She's a scenester, baby. She likes her kiddies to be stylin'.

Put The Lotion In The Basket said...

hey the trouser issue?
maybe Harvey's a sagger in more way than one
Just a thought.
Nick XX

Syd said...

I am such a loser since I haven't a clue who these people are. They don't look like anyone that I know. I obviously need to change channels from MSNBC and CNN.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Nick,
Only YOU would think of that you filthy-minded youngster. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!

But I think I may need some brain bleach for the mental picture.

Jesus.

Love, SB.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Syd,
Don't worry about not knowing who Jordan (& co.) is. They are sort of the American equivalent of Anna Nicole Smith. I just like tawdry, no-brainer entertainment, especially after staring at software documents all damn day.

Much love. Thanks for reading!

SB

Alec Beattie said...

The world is indeed a sadder place. First Jade pops her clogs, now these two whores split up. And they say bad luck comes in threes. I'm hoping Noel Edmonds has a fucking heart attack on Deal or No Deal. Please.

Sheria said...

I thought that I knew my insignificant details but I've never heard of these people. Of course that doesn't stop me from enjoying a peek into their lives; I also like horror movies and porn.