Thursday, September 30, 2010

SB's New Diet Plan

The photo-happy Vietnamese guy here at work took photos of all the employees for our yearly off-site meeting with clients. It's for a damn brochure so the clients can find us at the meeting and tell us how much they hate our products. Just kidding. OUR CLIENTS LOVE US!

Anyhoo, the camera-happy motherfucker tried to get all fancy and shit and posed us at a damn angle. Frankly, it just made those of us who are on the chub look EVEN fatter. This includes my burgeoning ass.

So today, I blew up the photo and printed that fucker out, so I could hang it on the door of my fridge. On top of the photo, I took a damn Sharpie and wrote: DON'T EAT THAT FAT ASS!

If this shit doesn't work, nothing will.

I also printed one out for the Moms, so she can show all her geriatric friends at the retirement community (trailer park) in Arizona what a fat ass her kid is.

And no, I'm not posting one on the blog. So fuck you. Don't ask.

9 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

Pay you fifty bucks.

Syd said...

Yes, but the Viking loves you and that is an important thing.

Petit fleur said...

I saw a picture of you once and I think you're lovely.

xo

Kissa said...

I'm finding grief is the cure to my fatness. It's amazing. And fucking scary.

You're perfect as you are. I hope you believe that. I love your ass no matter what jeans you wear, ya hear? ;)

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ms. Moon,
NOPE. Laugh.

Syd,
Yes, it is a blessing.

PF,
Thank you. You are sweet to say so.

Kissa,
You know I adore you. Thanks for the kind words.

Love to all,

SB

Bethany said...

Aw SB, you always make me laugh and sometimes gasp. I never found those sort of tactics to work for me, but then again you are a mean ass MF, and probably won't hurt your own feelings.
I'm sure you're beautiful.
I loved Ms Moon's comment!
Love you.

Kathleen Scott said...

No wonder you've not been feeling like writing the blog. It's hard to be funny on a calorie-restricted regimen.

I hesitate to ask, but are you starting an exercise program too?

I'm always interested in the topic of losing weight. Apparently more interested than motivated, since mine seems pretty settled-in.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

BETHANY!
I have missed you!!!!!! Love returned.

Kathleen,
Are you shitting me? SB exercise? I SCOFF AT THE NOTION. Laugh.

Love you!

Parabolic Muse said...

HA! Yeah, I took a coupla videos and put em on the blog, and there is NO way I'm going to actually be IN one. Someone's going to have to pay me some serious money.

Although, I still look really nice in a tube top.