Thursday, December 16, 2010

For Ms. Moon, Who Asked My Ass to Re-Post this Shit

Grandma Peg and the Humbel Nativity

My Grandma Peg LOVED Christmas. LOVED IT. She was nearly giddy with the glee of the damn season (SB calls it the Season of Darkness, so obviously my ass did not take after her. Also, Grandma had really big boobs, and I didn't get those either.).

Anyhoo, Peg loved Hummel figurines, which she called, Humbels, due to a slight hearing problem. (Yeah, and Elvis was Alvin Prescott, as you'll possibly fucking remember from an earlier post, but whatever. . .).

Grandma's ass splurged one year and bought herself the ENTIRE fucking Humbel Nativity. That shit was quite costly, as there is no accounting for taste, and Precious Moments figures were expensive once, too, right? Hummels and the Precious Moments make SB want to gag and bust them up WITH A FUCKING HAMMER, but again, I digress.

Before I go further, I should explain that my tiny southern grandmother was known for her eccentric decorating taste (she even wallpapered the backs of doors), and frankly, she had some fucking weird ideas about what went together. Also, a lot of her house looked like a fucking French whore house, but to her, that was GRAND DECOR, motherfuckers. That shit was posh.

Anyhoo, after purchasing the damn nativity, Grandma decided that her precious fucking manger was not showy enough and that the Baby Jesus should be spotlighted like a Barrymore in a play. After all, his infantile ass was supposed to be holy and worshipped by the animals and the damn Wise Men. He was THE POINT. He was THE STAR.

Grandma rigged a fucking Maglite to the roof of the manger, and SB's brother, Steve, would not stop making remarks and laughing about it. "Jesus Christ, Grandma, the Baby Jesus is going to be blind. How will he perform miracles WHEN HE'S BLIND?"

After that, undaunted by my brother's mirth, Grandma decided that the Humbel nativity didn't come with enough lowing beasts, so she bought some ill-sized cheap porcelain add-on animal figures that looked like they might eat the poor blinded Baby Jesus and worshipping Wise Men.

Well, of course, Peg thought that shit was JUST GREAT! Her manger would be the envy of the neighbourhood! She was SO PROUD of that cocksucking nativity, it was unbelievable. It had pride of place in the living room.

Note: My Aunt M. has the infamous nativity now and displays it every year, replete with the damn Maglite, which my brother still has to make rude comments about.

14 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

YES! Thank-you. It's a Christmas Classic. Now my holidays are complete.
The Maglite still made me laugh out loud. It will next year, too.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

If it makes you laugh during the damn dreaded season of darkness, I will happily repost it every year.

downtown guy said...

Fuckin love this shit.

Angella Lister said...

oh my God, I laughed so hard! Ms. Moon is right, this is a classic!

And i love how you interchange Hummels and Humbels and they will forever more be Humbels to me!

Denny Coates said...

Excellent! Thanks for re-posting it. It certainly brightened up my spirits as next week approaches.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

DTG,
Not as much as I love you!

Angella,
I have seen your comments over at Ms. Moon's blog. I am honored to have you visit. Thank you. Please come back often.

Denny,
If I can brighten your spirits, then I am very glad.

Love to all,

SB

Mr.Mischief said...

OH good lord, I can picture it! Bwahahahaha!!!! I love it. :)

Elizabeth said...

The Maglite made me GUFFAW. Not a pretty sight or sound.

mrs. miss alaineus said...

if you bring me a humble i will shoot it for you!


xxalainaxx

Syd said...

Those Hummels are awful. My mother-in-law has about 100 of the little things.

Mel's Way or No Way said...

Only a flashlight as well made as the Maglite is appropriate to blind baby Jesus.

G-ma Peg sounds like one in a million!

Mwa said...

My kind of Christmas story, too.

Scott said...

"Season of Darkness!" LOL! Thanks for bringing a little light to such a dark time.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Elizabeth,
Happy to make you GUFFAW!

Mrs. Miss A.,
Don't tempt my ass!

Syd,
Yes, they suck shit basically.

Mel,
You would have liked her. Everybody did.

Mwa,
I am honored to see you in my comments section! Thank you.

Scott,
Thank you for reading, buddy.

Happy holidays to all!

SB