Thursday, May 6, 2010

Some Reasons that Uncle Gene Is My Idol

If a chatty motherfucker calls and Uncle Gene answers, he will listen for awhile and then just hang up on the mouthy bitch, mid-sentence.

If Uncle Gene gets held hostage by a chatty motherfucker in a car, his ass will exit the vehicle before it's even come to a complete stop. He'll spring out while that bitch is still rolling, just to escape the diarrhetic verbalist.

Uncle Gene prefers places like biker bars, where there is potential for drunken gun fire or places where the waitresses have their chichis or asses all hanging out and shit.

Gene drives like he's the only motherfucker on the road. Gene is King Shit. He'll get over on the freeway without paying much attention to the motherfuckers in the next lane. If they honk or flip his ass the bird, Gene doesn't give a flying fuck. He was vice-president of a major corporation, and he doesn't give a fuck about a bunch of damn peons in a Saturn.

If Gene has to wait in line more than two minutes for anything, his ass will get in the car and drive off. Gene believes in good customer service. And besides, he doesn't have time to dick around waiting with a bunch of damn peons.

Gene was in the Korean War, and he pronounces it: KO-rea. And he IS NOT getting in a damn Hyundai to go for a ride or eating sushi EVER AGAIN, so don't fucking ask.

Gene doesn't drink pussy drinks. Motherfucker drinks a damn martini or Jack Daniels on ice. Wine coolers are for candy asses.

He's a mean pilot and sailor, but he'll bark out orders if you're not doing things right. Gene has no patience for addle-brained morons. He might even make you cry! So get with the damn program!

He's mean-humored and can be grouchy as fuck. See picture above.

10 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

I would drink a martini with Uncle Gene. If he'd let me.

Findon said...

Boy SB, you are certainly sizzling today. Much enjoyment has been had. Got to go now and find out who is going to ruin my life for the next 5 years, Gordy, Davy, or Nicky

Much love

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ms. Moon,
He certainly would. He loves women, especially pretty ones.

I've missed you!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Findon,
May the least ruinous man win!

Love you tons.

mrs. miss alaineus said...

i so want to buy that man and you a drink!!!!

xxalainaxx

cousin Sheila, offspring of uncle Gene said...

God, I'm dying! And you forgot the best (most recent?) Gene story: he was at this VA meeting trying to get their health care insurance and too many people were asking questions that had already been answered. Gene was like "Jesus Christ, he just said that," got up and left. He told me there was no point in being alive with the health insurance if he had to spend his life in meetings with old people that couldn't keep shit straight. So if my mom goes to the poor house after paying for his health care, you'll know why...

Syd said...

I would not honk or flip his ass the bird. He might wheel bang my car.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Miss A.,
Uncle Gene and i would enjoy that.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Sheila,
That's fucking classic. I'm posting it.

Love you more than wine,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Syd,
Quite true. He doesn't mess around.