Valentino Needs to Hire My Ass to Be His Damn Translator So Idiot Americans Will Understand What His Greatness Is REALLY Trying to Say

Last night I watched the documentary Valentino: The Last Emperor. It is the best documentary I have watched for a spell, and I sincerely enjoyed it. If you have never considered fashion, art, then this film may very well change your mind.

Sadly, Valentino has now retired, and the Moms comment was that after he and Lagerfeld and Armani are gone, it will be the end of a distinct and irreplaceable era of fashion. All of Valentino's haute couture items were hand-sewn by a staff of house seamstresses.

Anyhoo, I really dug Valentino, because he has occasional hissy fits, which make for entertaining viewing. SB loves a tempermental genius! His Greatnesses English is charming, if a bit broken, and he primarily speaks French, by his own admission. So my ass thinks His Greatness could use a translator. I am proposing myself, because that shit would be my honor.

For instance, in one scene, His Greatness is trying to convey to a youngish hipster hair stylist that he does NOT want the hair on his models to be too wild and that he would prefer that they have simple chignons, which is understandable considering the elegant style of Valentino's dresses. So the moron hair stylist puts this incredible mess of a damn bird's nest on a model for His Greatnesses approval, and Valentino says something like: "No. No. No!"

If SB were Mr. V's translator, I think I could have made His Greatnesses point of view slightly more clear. I would have translated: What His Greatness actually means to say is: "Look, you goddamn young idiot, I stand for E-L-E-G-A-N-C-E! What is this fucking hot mess you have so ignorantly and impertinently offered me?" His Greatness was creating fashion miracles BEFORE you were sperm, you offensive motherfucker. The hairstyle you have created looks like a cocksucking bird's nest. It does not say: ELEGANCE. His Greatness asked for a simple chignon, and you insulted him with a fucking hot mess. Your dumb unwrinkled youthful ass is shit-canned, motherfucker.

Also, His Greatness has four dogs, and at one point, when he got huffy making decisions about what to include in his 45th anniversary celebration, he said: "I don't care about this. My dogs are more important!"

I think I love him.