Friday, December 4, 2009

Another Reason NOT to Use the Internet to Hook Up

Comments in brackets [ ] are SB's obviously.

I understand that you are upset. If it’s friction that’s scaring you, I do have plenty of lube. Though I personally feel it takes much of the feeling and intimacy out of the experience, I’m willing to make the sacrifice for you. If it’s a sanitary issue, we can bleach you, like many professional porn-stars do. Its completely safe, and can be fun in itself. I’m even willing to wear a condom the first time we do it, as long as you promise this won’t be a permanent requirement. After all, you can’t get pregnant, lol. Understand, though: once we start, I’ll have to finish.

As for your insults, I already explained, my penis is actually pretty good, well into the average range. That means I’m in the 50% mark, and therefore bigger than half of the worlds men. At 5.125 (actually, closer to 5.126 if I round up) inches, I’m a real catch.
[But, then again, who's measuring? Clearly, this motherfucker.]

Anyway, let me know when you’d like to come over, so I can get my supplies and video camera ready.

17 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

PARTY!!!!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

That made me laugh.

miss alaineus said...

just so you know, 5.125 rounded up would be 5.13 based on the data provided and the number of significant digits in the original figure.


xxalainaxx

Jeannie said...

Hell of a catch that one! The sensitive type.

Sweden said...

dude where did u get this lol what a weirdo/psycho/creep/retard

Glimmer said...

"... we can bleach you..."????

Please hold me, I'm scared.

erin said...

Wow. I don't get the excitement of planning to do sex stuff. I mean, this guy is way out there...but I still don't understand who gets off planning on bleaching their partners a-hole. AND you'd think you'd always wear condoms for anal sex...can't poop get in their penis p-hole?

I am not familiar with anal proclivities but you'd think that would be a concern.

Lori said...

LMAO....thanks for that post.

The Dish said...

Clearly, he is a catch. For some lonely, desperate woman somewhere...

Sheria said...

My imagination is totally in the gutter after reading this. Of course, I go there a lot.

Christiejolu said...

Sometimes you just ahve to wonder if these people are for real!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Miss A.,
My little math genius!

Love you.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Jeannie,
Yeah. Laugh.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Sheria,
My mind lives in the gutter. Obviously. Laugh.

SB loves you!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Glimmer,
GO BAMA! What a win. I thought of you.

I have a crush on Nick Saban. Big time.

Love, SB.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Dish,
Yeah, you can say that again. Yucko.

Love, SB.

gingermagnolia said...

Hmmmm...yeah, I'm thinking from personal experience that 5.whatever isn't exactly average size...but that could just be me. Either way, I wouldn't want it near my pooper, and without lube? YIKES!