Tuesday, December 22, 2009

It's Not Cocksucking Christmas Time Until. . . .

Your ass has to chase a FED-EX driver down the street in your socks in the cocksucking snow to try to give him the package back that you signed for that you noticed after he left and was starting to drive off was actually for the cocksucker who formally occupied your dwelling place. [Note: This is the same cocksucker that you already have a package on your porch for that the motherfuckers from UPS dropped off while you were at work one day and you have started to contemplate opening and consuming because it's addressed from The fucking Popcorn Factory. This, despite the fact that popcorn is far from your favorite snack treat. You have just decided you will eat the festive corn out of fucking spite because you've had to deal with so much of the cocksucking former occupant's mail. THIS IS THE TOLL, you irresponsible no-forwarding-address motherfucker. You will not get to enjoy your popcorn.] Oh and this was after your rabid Diarrhetic not-right-in-the-head-half-blind watch dog kept lunging for the startled but relatively calm FED-EX guy at the door, but FED-EX guy was on his damn toes and averted tragedy by producing dog treats for said not-right-in-the-head dog and threw them into your foyer so that you could sign for the sonofabitching cocksucking package that wasn't in actuality yours and then proceed to run out into the snowy street in your stocking feet in order to try to flag the compassionate dog-treat-throwing motherfucking driver down and hand him back his cocksucking package that in actuality was for the no-forwarding-address former occupant motherfucker.

20 comments:

white rabbit said...

So you weren't best pleased??

*arched eyebrow*

Sarcastic Bastard said...

White Rabbit,
Uhhhhhmmmmm, NO.

Ms. Moon said...

Oh honey. That just made me feel all warm and cozy inside. It really IS Christmas, isn't it?
Love you so....Ms. Moon

Tom said...

Well, Merry Christmas to you, too!

Love you, SB

gingermagnolia said...

Nothing like cold, wet feet and other people's bullshit to ring in the holidays!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

GOD BLESS US, EVERY MOTHERFUCKING ONE!

I love all you hos, too.

Wildernesschic said...

You would not believe the amount of mail I get here for owners long gone and I mean 20 plus years and more !! Great for lighting the fire with :)

Kathleen Scott said...

"Your rabid Diarrhetic not-right-in-the-head-half-blind watch dog" and seven cats...you have a full life. I'm glad they're keeping you Christmas company. And the Fed-ex guy is alleviating boredom.

Are the cold feet enough excuse for hot chocolate spiked with rum?

Sarcastic Bastard said...

My Dear Kathleen,
Who needs an excuse to imbibe that shit, right? If were lived closer, we'd have a damn drink together.

I love you. Merry Christmas!

SB

Kathleen Scott said...

You're right, we would. I'm partial to champagne but, being a Texan, I also make a mean margarita. What's your preferred libation?

Hope you have a great Christmas too!

Kat

PS I sent a link to your Christmas Party post to my sisters, who, when they recovered from laughing, sent it on to their friends who are sending it to their friends...you never know who'll end up enjoying your Christmas party.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Kathleen,
I dig red wine. Cabernet/Claret and Merlot. I also like Pinot Noir. I liked you winery post.

You being a Texan, did I ever tell you about my love for George Strait? I have the HUGEST crush on him. Just adore him.

Thanks for passing on the Christmas Party post. The more readers, the better.

Love,

SB.

Chic Mama said...

At this moment I am waiting for FED Ex to deliver my turkey...its gone 10pm. Where are they? Where is my turkey??

Steph(anie) said...

Did he stop?

Kathleen Scott said...

You're only right to have a crush on George Strait. Did you know he has a ranch in the Hill Country just outside of San Antonio?

Petit fleur said...

My good friend BD once called a guard on the row a "Punk ass pussy mother fucker"! I thought that was hilarious and something that you would appreciate. There were more strung together expletives to go along with that as well, and the hub kept the DR(disciplinary report) framed upon his office wall.

In other words, you warm my heart. smile. xo pf

Jeannie said...

Take the presents and when they come back for them, pretend you only speak Swahili or something.

Syd said...

I can only imagine the nightmare of being a Fed Ex delivery person this time of year. The image of you running down the street in the snow chasing the Fed Ex truck is stuck in my head. Hope your feet are now warm.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Kathleen My Dear,
I did know that. I just adore that man.

Love you.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Steph,
Yeah, motherfucker finally stopped. Guess he saw my frantic ass in the rearview.

The Dish said...

The ghetto bitch that used to live in my apartment also used to occupy my desk chair. 2 and half years later I still get mail for that woman. Traffic tickets. Summaries to court in Chicago. I want to open it all but never have. Maybe I should start?