Thursday, December 3, 2009

SB Is in a Fucking Funk

I don't know whether it's the damn fuck-fucking holidays, the fact that my court date for the divorce is hanging over my head (with no immediate end in sight), the fact that I can't lose weight to save my life, despite adding some exercise in, or what the fucking-fuck, but SB's ass is in a funk. Sorry folks, but that's what you get for being a regular reader of a blog written by a moody manic-depressive asshole.

I actually called yesterday to catch up with a good friend, who I have been out of touch with for months now, and at some point in the conversation, this friend said, "You sound really angry." This was after I explained to her not to take my out-of-touchness personally and that I haven't been doing much of anything--just getting through the damn work day and going home to the cats.

I had another old friend try to make plans to get together with me before the holidays the other day, and I told her there was no way and scheduled dinner in January.

I was really happy when I first moved out of my marital home, but now I am just energy-less and depressed. I guess divorce (even when you know it's totally necessary) is still like grieving a death. I am in the anger phase now, motherfuckers. I am pissed off that this court date is hanging over us--I just want to have it done with. Frankly, I felt divorced the day I signed the lease on the new digs. It was over when I moved my shit out. All this court bullshit is just dredging everything back up again. I am extremely pissed off that the government is involved in my personal relationship. Those fuckers even get to tax my paltry settlement check. So, yeah, I guess I am angry.

The Moms pissed me off by hanging up on me, and I haven't spoken to her in about three weeks now. I am mad that when I could really use the support, she had the fucking sheer brattiness to hang up on me. If a motherfucker hangs up on SB, SB does NOT call back. You teach a bitch how to treat you. The Moms always says that, and it is correct, and now she is learning it too.

This is it boys and girls. This is about as personal as SB cares to get. I just wanted all of you fuckers to know that I am not feeling very funny currently, and the posts may be somewhat sporadic.

For those of you that have my phone number or e-mail, this is NOT a plea for support. I really just want to be left alone to work through this. It will pass. Everything does.

Some random thoughts this morning. (Lucky you!)

1) Was Catherine Zeta-Jones sorry she married Michael Douglas, because basically, her ass sacrificed a semi-promising career to marry that Pepaw? Do they live in unadulterated bliss? Was it worth it? (I told you motherfuckers I think REALLY deep thoughts in the morning. I just can't turn the shit off.)

2) I don't believe in the kind of soul-mate passionate love assholes depict in the movies. I really don't.

3) I have lost my goddamn JOY in life, and I wish whoever took that shit would fucking give it back.

4) If I have to endure one more gray rainy pre-winter day, I am going to kill myself. (I actually said this to the dog this morning. In return, she farted. And it dawned on me that THAT fucking response was about as meaningful as anything man has come up with in thousands of years. The Buddha would have farted in response, too. That's about how meaningful this life is. There is no meaning besides what we subscribe to things.)

5) My khaki work pants have gotten so fucking tight, that after I zippered and buttoned them, I had to yank them the fuck up HARD (which momentarily hurt my moneymaker), or I would have come to work with plumber's crack. I threw a long sweater on to cover that shit up. Said sweater accentuates my fat overfed American ass.

[I would continue here with the chain of thought, but you get the picture. Some days, my own cynicism makes me want to throw up. I'd like to divorce myself.]

29 comments:

Petit fleur said...

Big cyber hugs and smooshy kisses.
xo pf

Mel said...

Aw geeeze, what can I say to not piss you off, make you laugh, or at least feel more normal today?
How about (insert sarcastic, funny voice) quit yer whining bitch at least you didn't fall down the stairs. Or my personal favorite, which is said with all due love and respect, Cheer you Ass Up Bitch. Of course the holidays suck. December sucks, gray days suck, neverending divorces and other people in your shit and work and tight pants all suck. First, and foremost, be nice to your ass. Somebody's gotta do it. Love you and all your honest pissed off this shit cannot be happening attitude that makes us keep coming here to check in on you. You can be as grumpy as you like, it's the perk of adulthood. I would go buy some comfy ass stretch pants that feel good on, today. Comfort is the first step to reclaiming your life. Fuck the diet and the weight for now, its about comfy pants.

I wonder the same shit about CZJ and the crypt keeper. How can anyone feel passion in a relationship that many years apart?anyway, I'm babbling from the pain pills I took because I fell down the fucking stairs today, and at least we still have our feet.
Hang in there my sarcastic, righteously fed up friend.

Ms. Moon said...

Check your e-mail my dear Ms. Bastard. Sending love...M

Glimmer said...

You just have yourself a hissy until you are hissied out. Then take a nap. You will feel better, then.

Divorce is a loss, a grieving to get through. No matter who did what or who moved out. An entire life has been shattered and then you start all over. Be easy on yourself. Expect the ups and downs. Been there.

The truth is sometimes I wish I'd had more time to myself in between. But the next phase just happened, like a whirlwind, when I wasn't looking, hoping, wanting. When I was just being, getting quite comfortable in my singleness. Isn't that always the way?

downtown guy said...

Let the intarwebs distract you:
http://myparentswereawesome.tumblr.com/
http://www.fupenguin.com/
http://notalwaysright.com/
http://www.sorryimissedyourparty.com/
http://lovelylisting.blogspot.com/
http://www.luriddigs.com/ <--- this one is full of penises and butthole, but worth it
http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thanks, all my dear blogging family.

I love all of you so.

SB

erin said...

The interwebs distractions will work! Use those links.

The Dish said...

You have every right to be pissed. Let yourself be pissed. Until you are not pissed anymore. Then go get drunk. And cry.

That helps me. But what the fuck do I know?

In all seriousness, I hope you feel more like you soon. And go buy some fat pants. Mine cheer me up immensely.

Syd said...

SB, actually the dog farting is pretty funny. I think that dog farts remind me to be grateful that I or others don't have the same amount of mercaptins stored up. And thinking about marriage to Michael Douglas...well...I just don't want to go there. Having a wedgie with your work pants also is worth a smile, so see you did have a great post today that made me happy.

Steph(anie) said...

Love ya, babe.

Christiejolu said...

I know this isn't funny at all to you. But I had to laugh at the dog farting in resonse to you.

Hope things get better for you soon!

Bethany said...

Thanks for teaching me a new phrase: "fucking-fuck". You're such a master at swearing. I bow to you. Hang in there. Buddha farts and all. This will pass.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Syd,
If all men were as nice as you, there would be no divorces.

Love, SB.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Christiejolu,
Join us anytime. You'll fit right in here. I can just tell.

Thanks for reading me.

Love, SB.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Steph,
That means a lot to me.

Love you back.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Bethany,
Master at swearing is a hell of a compliment. Thanks a shitload.

Love, SB.

Kathleen Scott said...

I wandered here after a session at the Church of the Batshit Crazy.

Yup, divorce is a lot like dying. Or an amputation. You're cutting yourself off from who you set out to be and how your life was supposed to go and where your dreams were. OK, maybe the dreams died a while back but the rest is true. It takes a long time to grow a new arm and leg.

But it happens, an inch at a time. You're right, you'll make it.

michelle said...

I'm with mel. It's all about the comfy pants.

It shouldn't be so easy to get married and so hard to get divorced. Just makes that shit suck even harder.

Gotta say, SB, even when you're fucking pissed you're still a fucking pisser.

lovey love luv

Sofya said...

Here is when I'd want to give you some sweet empathetic encouragement... but I'm a lot younger, and feel my sweet empathic encouragement will be rather "cute but naive" ....sooo ill just go with- times are tough! but i hope you feel better SB!

Queenneenee said...

Dog farts are theeee worst! I'm SURE he farted at you with LOVE though.

You are indeed correct, divorce IS like a death. Call me a sicko or morbid or whatever but I think of my ex as dead. It's easier for me to deal with it that way. Probably not your "normal" way of dealing with divorce-but Goddammit it works for me.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Kathleen,
Welcome! It's a treat to virtually meet you. Any friend of Ms. Moon's is a friend of mine.

Thanks for your wise words. I hope you will join us often.

Love, SB.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Michelle,
Love you. Thanks. I aspire to have as good and beautiful a family life as you do.

Big aspirations!

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Sofya,
Younger doesn't mean dumber--encougage away.

Thanks for you words.

Love you!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Queenneenee My Dear,
You are right--whatever works, sister. I love you.

SB

gingermagnolia said...

It's been said that dealing with divorce can be harder than dealing with death- and I believe that. Just know that it DOES get better. Distractions, distractions, distractions! Love to you.

Ms. Moon said...

See how many people love you?

Sarcastic Bastard said...

My Dear Ms. Moon,
I am indeed fortunate.

And I love you and yours very much!

Sheria said...

As I'm always two steps behind, I'm just catching up with your more recent posts. I definitely won't tell you to cheer up, I actually think that wallowing in depression is a good thing to do sometimes. It takes too much energy to try to have a stiff upper lip. In the mistaken belief that I'm a southern belle, I like to take to my bed and languish for a day. Of course, my sister likes to remind me that I'm Mammy and not Miz Scarlett.

I send you love and a mental mint julep. Take care of yourself my dear.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Sheria,
You're Miss Scarlett to me! You can tell that shit to your sister too.

Laugh.

Love you. Thanks for your words.

SB