Monday, December 14, 2009

Grandma Peg and the Humbel Nativity

My Grandma Peg LOVED Christmas. LOVED IT! She was nearly giddy with the glee of the damn season (SB calls it the Season of Darkness, so obviously my ass did not take after her. Also, Grandma had really big boobs, and I didn't get those either.).

Anyhoo, Peg loved Hummel figurines, which she called, Humbels, due to a slight hearing problem. (Yeah, and Elvis was Alvin Prescott, as you'll possibly fucking remember from an earlier post, but whatever. . .).

Grandma's ass splurged one year and bought herself the ENTIRE fucking Humbel Nativity. That shit was quite costly, as there is no accounting for taste, and Precious Moments figures were expensive once, too, right? Hummels and the Precious Moments make SB want to gag and bust them up WITH A FUCKING HAMMER, but again, I digress.

Before I go further, I should explain that my tiny southern grandmother was known for her eccentric decorating taste (she even wallpapered the backs of doors), and frankly, she had some fucking weird ideas about what went together. Also, a lot of her house looked like a fucking French whore house, but to her, that was GRAND DECOR, motherfuckers. That shit was posh.

Anyhoo, after purchasing the damn nativity, Grandma decided that her precious fucking manger was not showy enough and that the Baby Jesus should be spotlighted like a Barrymore in a play. After all, his infantile ass was supposed to be holy and worshipped by the animals and the damn Wise Men. He was THE POINT. He was THE STAR.

Grandma rigged a fucking Maglite to the roof of the manger, and SB's brother, Steve, would not stop making remarks and laughing about it. "Jesus Christ, Grandma, the Baby Jesus is going to be blind. How will he perform miracles WHEN HE'S BLIND?"

After that, undaunted by my brother's mirth, Grandma decided that the Humbel nativity didn't come with enough lowing beasts, so she bought some ill-sized cheap porcelain add-on animal figures that looked like they might eat the poor blinded Baby Jesus and worshipping Wise Men.

Well, of course, Peg thought that shit was JUST GREAT! Her manger would be the envy of the neighbourhood! She was SO PROUD of that cocksucking nativity, it was unbelievable. It had pride of place in the living room.

Note: My Aunt M. has the infamous nativity now and displays it every year, replete with the damn Maglite, which my brother still has to make rude comments about.


Ms. Moon said...

All right. That made me laugh out loud when I got to the part about the Maglite. Awesomeness, there! That was just a great, great post and goes down in Christmas history right up there with David Sedaris's story of Dinah, the Christmas Whore. Also, it reminded me of that nativity they had in downtown Cozumel when I was there one December where they had a donkey which was four times as big as any of the other figures AND looked insane. Like it just couldn't wait to eat the Baby Jesus and then go to snacking on a sheep.
Thank you for making me laugh, dear Ms. Bastard.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

It is my honour to make you, a fellow sufferer of the dreaded Season of Darkness, laugh.

I love you so goddamn much!

Ms. Moon said...

I loved it AND you so damn much I just linked it. I'll pay you later.
Kisses from (suddenly) sunny Florida.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ms. Moon,
Thank you. That is a compliment, and God knows, I need all the traffic I can get!


Love, SB.

The Dish said...

Gawd, I hate Christmas. But that shit made me laugh. Thanks, I needed it today.

Syd said...

SB, my mother-in-law loves Hummels and has just about everyone dating back to the pre-Cambrian age. My wife and I hate them and plan to sell them all to an antiques dealer when they are bequeathed to us. There is no accounting for bad taste and Hummels are bad taste.

Elizabeth said...

Here's some more traffic for you -- I loved it, the maglite, etc. I used to have a Hummel when I was a kid and I hadn't thought of them in years. Loved the allusion to Precious Moments figurines, too. Loved all of it and I'll be back...

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thanks, Elizabeth. Please come back often.

We all have a pretty damn good time here.

Thanks for commenting.



Petit fleur said...

"She was so cocksucking proud of that nativity, it was unbelievable".

Good times!

Fun post. :-)
xo pf

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thanks, PF!

Jeannie said...

I never knew my Grandmothers cuz they were dead and wouldn't have anyway cuz my mother hated them.
I doubt they'd have been anywhere near as cheesy. Maglit Hummel nativity. I love that your Aunt keeps it in all its tacky glory.

Kathleen Scott said...

You had me with Alvin Prescott and I just giggled on through, except where I howled. Woman, you are RICH in family idiosyncracy (and pacing & story-telling too). I'm sure there's a novel lurking in your mental closets.

Bethany said...

I know, I actually cringed when I read cocksucking and nativity in the same sentence. Amazing!
You rock SB. You tell a fantastic story, peppered with the most fabulous use of profanity I've ever witnessed.
Hilrious post, as always.

gingermagnolia said...

What a great story. I love the idea of both the wallpaper on the door and of the blind baby Jesus. Thanks for sharing!

Mary LA said...

We were given a Hummel nativity set and left it out while we were debating how to get rid of it and the dog ate baby Jesus (unspotlit) and had to be rushed to the vet for an emetic.

The Curse of Hummel continues ...

Chic Mama said...

Awwww, I can just imagine it! Very funny. ;0)