Wednesday, December 9, 2009


For anyone who hasn't seen the forecast for the fucking godless fuck country that is the Mid-west today, we have a high winds WARNING from 7 a.m. this morning to about 1 a.m. tonight. A cold front is moving in, and we HAVEN'T HAD SUN IN DAYS. I'm beginning to suspect the Sun has died, and quite frankly, I am contemplating slitting my wrists.

To top it off, I took Nyquil again last night for the cough that is still somehow hanging on like a crazed Jewish mother, and I could not get my lazy fucking ass out of bed this morning, so then I had to run around like a crazy motherfucker (okay, a MORE crazy motherfucker), throwing cat food at the startled moggies, showering in under five minutes (yeah, I'm a bastion of personal fucking cleanliness), dressing so quickly, I'm lucky my clothes match and my damn fly is zipped, and then running my fucking fat ass out the cocksucking door in order to make it here to work five motherfucking minutes late! I arrived in time to hear my rotund colleagues discuss what they are having for lunch. [B. did not like the sweet and sour pork at the local Chinese buffet. He felt it was a waste of his money.] Thank Jesus H. Christ I didn't miss that shit. I'm glad I hurried. No, I really am.

[Note: I borrowed the Title phrase PISSWANKFUCKTIT from the lovely Hugh Grant, who I adore, despite his admitted shallowness.]


Mel's Way or No Way said...

I hate those mornings when you're so late-ruins the whole fucking day!

Here, 8 inches of snow and -10 degrees windchill. My ass was out shoveling shit fields for the dogs this morning. Lucky for me I can't make it out of my driveway-there's a drift higher than my bumper. I'm staying home!!

Mel said...

I feel bad for laughing so hard at the misfortunes of my friend. You may take solace in knowing that I live in northern Illinois and the weather is so disgusting I can no longer discuss it without gagging. I have many appointments to keep for doctors and orthos and bullshit and I'm sure some fucktard is going to hit me in the slush and further maim my neck.
Sorry about work. You need some sunshine therapy and fast. Find a screensaver of beach scenes or Ms. Moons sunsets quick and stare at it from time to time. Do Not go near sharp objects or razors. And try not to stab your coworkers with your pen. Good luck.
keep posting, stay sane. Winter always ends. At least for the next whatever million years.

Ms. Moon said...

Well, honey, the sun is not here either but at least it's not cold.
I'm sorry you're in such a bad mood. Do as I tell Owen: Ride it like a pony.
Or something.
And guess what? I love Hugh Grant too. How can you help it? But I do not love him nearly as much as I love you. So don't slit your wrists. And don't go for the sweet and sour pork. I hear it's a waste of money.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Glad you get to stay home, babe. Enjoy!



Sarcastic Bastard said...

Do not maim your neck further.

I know I could always have it worse, weather-wise. I think if I could just stay in the warmth of my home, like the damn retirees, I would be okay with it. Or, if we at least had some sunny days, I would survive. It's the dark rainys that get me. Get me?

Love you!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ms. Moon,
That comment made me laugh. I WILL NOT GO FOR THE SWEET AND SOUR PORK. Actually, I detest Chinese food, except for crab rangoon, which is just fattening as fuck. There are WAY too many damn vegetables in Chinese food.

I won't slit my wrists either. Okay?

Love you more than Elvis,


Syd said...

Take care and lay in lots of supplies. Chili is good because you can run the house off of gas.

The Dish said...

Yeah, this weather can kiss my fat white ass! My Texas ass has decided to not leave my apartment today. The head shrinker will still be there next week. In fact I am so pissed off about the weather, I may start drinking now.

Kathleen Scott said...

I read your posts for the chuckle and the outrageousness. Someday I might graduate to your elegance of phrase, even if it is borrowed. Pisswankfucktit.

Mid-west? Your profile says you're in Savannah. I thought, naturally, Georgia.

Petit fleur said...

The hub was reading over my shoulder and about pissed himself laughing as you were "running your fucking fat ass out the cocksucking door!"

Great rant. Sorry your day and your weather is so crappy today.
Love to you,

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Just shut up. I had to leave the house THREEFUCKINGTIMES today to work and back to the house for lunch, then back to work for more slave labor. I nearly blew across the damn parking lot coming back, SO DON'T RUB IT IN. Also, DON'T RUB IN the fact that you can have a libation, when I must suffer until 6:30 today. UGGGGGGGGGGGGHHH.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Kathleen My Dear,
I wish I was in Savannah. That was a long time back. It was wishful thinking to put it on my profile.

Love, SB.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Glad I made him laugh.

Hope you two have a great day. Thanks for reading me.


gingermagnolia said...

Be careful driving today and tomorrow, it's so god awful out!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

You be careful, too. We aren't that far apart.

Love, SB.