Tuesday, April 21, 2009

A Blast from the Past for You Oldies Like Me

Yes. Yes, it is. You are correctamundo--those of you who guessed the photo above is of a Popeel's Pocket Fisherman by Ronco--because you just never know when you're going get a wild hair up your ass and want to fish. This shit folds up and stores in your pocket, so you can fish anytime and anywhere you take a notion!

I don't know whether Ronco is still in business or not. I kind of sincerely doubt Ronco made it through the Bush years (I barely made it myself), but anyhoo. . . there for awhile, Ronco made fucking everything except a damn automobile. If you needed a popcorn popper or a lint roller, try Ronco. I think even my double-album Donny Osmond's Greatest Hits was pressed by Ronco. But that sort of brings back a tough childhood memory for SB.

I begged and whined at the Moms and daddums for the double-record Donny Osmond album WITH THE POSTER (from Ronco) for at least six-fucking-months, and then, when I finally received it on my birthday, I decided to take it into school for show-and-tell. I WANTED EVERYBODY TO KNOW WHAT A HUGE DONNY OSMOND FAN I WAS! I wanted all the kiddies to know what excellent taste in audio fare I had at such a tender age. And then, (TEAR!) walking out to the driveway to get in the car to go to school, SB was holding the album the wrong way (NOT BEING CAREFUL WITH MY PRECIOUS GIFT FROM HEAVEN), when one of the precious fucking records fell out of the sleeve and crashed onto the driveway. It was the record that had Puppy Love on it, too!

A GREAT BIG CHUNK chipped out of the cocksucking vinyl. I cried and cried and cried all over my Sear's Winnie-the-Pooh-and-Piglet-Too designer ensemble. It was heartbreaking.

SB had the SADS for over a week. The Moms and daddums told me that I had to learn an important lesson and learn to take care of my things.

BULLSHIT. I WANNA NEW GODDAMN DOUBLE-RECORD SET, I said. I really did. I actually said that. The rents knew, even at my tender young age, that stopping me from cursing was a lost cause. Their new mission was to teach location cursing--in other words, where cursing was most appropriate (home) and where it was not (out).

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