Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Diarretic Wunderkind Eats Cat Shit

Ginger, the Diarrhetic Wunderkind, has picked up a new habit. We had to move the Disdainful One's litter box recently, and it is now in the utility closet, nearer to the door. Said door is kept propped open, obviously, since Mercer can't open it her-damn-self (she doesn't have opposable thumbs, people, and besides her ass is not tall enough to reach the knob).

Anyhoo, Ginger has now taken to eating Mercer's shit when the door is inadvertently left ajar. I do laundry in the utility room, so the door is left ajar from time-to-time. Of course, every time I catch the Wunderkind, I threaten to beat her until the PETA intervenes, but she has a VERY SELECT and short-term memory, and the yelling is fairly ineffective.

Sometimes, Ginger tries to sneakily eat the gourmet cat poo, and I go to pet her, and her fucking nose is covered in Tidy Cat. There is also motherfucking Tidy Cat Multiple Cat formula in the bottom of her water bowl, so I have to empty it and refill it all the time because I'm just sure the perfumey shit they put in Tidy Cat probably causes THE CANCER.

There are also occasionally Mercer turds that do not pass muster for whatever reason (these turds are not up to Ginger's obviously lofty culinary standards), lying on the carpet outside the utility room. Then I yell, "MOTHERFUCKER!" And the Diarrhetic Wunderkind shoots up the stairs, only to sneak down again when the yelling dies down, which sometimes takes awhile.

Ginger is also into trying to eat Mercer's new expensive-as-fuck gourmet cat food, so I spend the morning yelling stuff like: "GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN MOTHERFUCKER OR I AM GOING TO BEAT YOU TO DEATH AND THEN THEY WILL HAVE TO CALL THE PETA AND THEN YOU WILL GET TAKEN BACK TO THE POUND, NEVER TO BE REUNITED WITH YOUR LOVING MAMA, WHO IS SHUT UP IN THE POKEY FOR DOG ABUSE!" or some shit like that. This does not exactly make for a peaceful morning, and you know how much I enjoy mornings to start with.

I am afraid Ginger will not be the winner in the Doggie Obedience category at the county dog show this year. Apologies to those prepared to root for her.


Vincent Santa Cruz said...

The best solution to your problem is to either eat the shit yourself, or to eat the dog. Either way, you are a winner!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

That made me laugh. Thanks for your help, man. Don't think I can manage either.

Thanks for commenting.


StuffMomsWant said...

My dog ate poo once. I grabbed him, took him upstairs and literally washed his mouth out with soap. He's never done it again. I guess the horror of tasting soap trumps eating crap.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Welcome StuffMomsWant. What a great solution to the problem! That's hilarious.

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Come back and visit again.