Friday, April 10, 2009

The SB MOST HATED INVENTION: the Cell Phone

Cell phones (well, actually any phone)--SB HATES them. I wouldn't have one if somebody sent me and paid me to use the absolute latest greatest model with all the gadgets. When I hear a personalized ringtone, a cold shock curls up my spine, and my impulse is to find a claw-foot hammer and pound the ABSOLUTE SHIT out of the phone's owner--I mean--out of the cell phone.

Cell phones are irritating, and people talking on cell phones, especially the ear bud ones, are also irritating. They look and sound as if they are talking to themselves. And SB moved away from Manhattan to get away from that crazy shit!

People on cell phones, while driving, drive like complete assholes. I think driving while using a cell should be unlawful. If you want to use a goddamn phone, pull your ass over someplace. Invariably, if someone is driving erratically, I pull up next to them, and they are yammering on a cell. And yes, it is usually a woman in a goddamn minivan.

And NOBODY--AND I DO MEAN NOBODY--is so damn important that his/her ass needs to be talking on a cell in the goddamn aisles of a grocery store. (Invariably, the conversation is inane. Well, did you hear what Betty said? Fuck Betty and the idiot cell phoner. I don't give a shit.) As far as I am concerned, people who use cell phones in public places just want to feel and look important. They have crap self-esteem. And there is something wrong with you if you can't spend a damn moment by yourself.

How about the idiot walkers you see out on a beautiful day in nature, talking on a goddamn phone? Dumb asses all.

Also, I think the radiation from cell phones gives you brain tumors and/or cancer. I have several personal reasons for this, but don't take my word, Google it. There have been scientific studies performed.

Another thing I hate--a situation that I find particularly ill-mannered and also extremely rude--is when people are having dinner in a restaurant (or driving someplace in a car), and one of the party, in the midst of a conversation with the person who is actually present, takes a cell phone call. I'm to the point where I am going to be tempted, if it happens at a restaurant (but not in a car), to just get up and leave.

Another thing that pisses my ass off royally, is that movie cinemas have to remind fucking retarded morons to turn off their cell phones while in the movie theatre. No shit?

And I am telling you here, if one more person, walking the aisles at Meijer, with a really discreet ear bud in, starts talking to themselves, or more annoyingly appears to be talking nonsense to me, THEY ARE GOING TO BE VERY SORRY. My ass is REALLY TIRED of being subjected to other people's idiotic phone conversations.

Then, of course, there is also the blight on the land that is a cell phone tower. I'd like to blow them all up. They are fucking hideous.

Whoever invented the cell phone, FUCK YOU ETERNALLY, MOTHERFUCKER! When you die, may you have to listen to nothing but personalized ring tones throughout eternity.

2 comments:

Beth said...

SB I just knew you'd start your birthday with a good rant! Kudos to you! I was just telling my friend Chellie (with whom I was talking on a cell phone whilst grocery shopping) that we haven't had a good SB rant in a while. Happy Birthday SB!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thanks, Beth!