I LOVE COUSIN SHEILA!

I am posting this shit, just in case Sheila wanders over to this damn mess today.

I have been thinking of my cousin lots, and I love her MORE THAN THE MOON.

This Is Just GROSS

Crocs Are Fug--Get Over It

You wouldn't catch SB at the morgue in these ugly fuckers. If a guy I dated showed up in these, IT WOULD BE THE LAST DATE.

Shit SB Says

This one guy here at work, who annoys the fucking piss out of me, is sitting a few cubes down, talking about wanting to retire, but how his dumb ass can't afford it, unless he wins the damn lottery. I'm praying for that annoying piss ant motherfucker to win the lottery. So is everybody else in this goddamn joint.

More Shit SB Says

I stopped at Jack's Aquarium & Pets at lunch to pick up some damn over-priced cat food, and this fucking parrot all but jumped on me. It was not cool. I have a distinctive phobia about birds. Fucker was whistling at me and shit. I said, "You can whistle all you want. I am not going to buy you." I did momentarily envision teaching him words like cunt and motherfucker before I pictured the seven cats eating him.

Another Horny German Looking at Coco's BIG FAT Junk in the Trunk

A German was back again today (go figure), looking at Coco's big fat ass, thus proving my point that the Krauts are a bunch of damn horn dogs.

I Just Ordered These Freudian Slippers

Since I am a style icon and shit, and you all may want to copy my look, I got them off Amazon. You're welcome.

Shit SB Says in Response to a Comment from the Dish

You are going to be the sexiest motherfucker alive [with that eye patch]. Not that you aren't already...

Sarcastic Bastard said...
Dish,
No, that's Johnny Depp. He won this year, but next year is my year, I can feel it.

To Celebrate Drugs Awareness Month

Introducing Crackhead Barbie! Bitch has even got chola brows. That shit looks like it was drawn on with a brown Sharpie.

Actually, this doll sort of reminds me of a member of my family, who shall be nameless. Ho is all hard-looking, with a bad dye job and shit. Bitch's damn hair looks like a bad weave. I ain't namin' names, because I might still be in the will. You've got to look ahead, motherfuckers. If I teach your dumb asses nothing else, let it be that.

Just Shut the Fuck Up Motherfucker

Quote of the Day from Michael at Dlisted

Even though I think child leashes are necessary (no, I don't), I'm glad they weren't around when I was a kid. If they were, my abuelita would've tied my leash to a tree in the backyard and forgot about me. I'd still be there today, and rightly so.

More Truth from Shitmydadsays

"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."

Shit SB Says

If I have to wear one of those motherfucking gauzy patches over my eye, like the old farts after the damn surgery, I'm not leaving the fucking house. I simply CANNOT be seen like that.

In Case I Forget, SB's Ass Will Be AWOL this Weekend

SB will not be posting this week from Thursday through Sunday. My ancient decrepit ass is having my damn cataract surgery finally. I am hoping I can finally launch my damn specs when all is said and done. PLEASE PRAY FOR MY ASS. I don't ask you motherfuckers for much, but please PRAY that I no longer have to wear my fucking glasses. They are impeding my beauty. PRAY FOR MY VANITY! I don't give a shit whether I survive the surgery or not, I just don't want to have to wear damn ugly glasses anymore.

Okay, I'm kidding. Sort of.

More Shit SB Says

What's up with Dick Cheney's fat ass? Seems to me it takes some goddamn nerve to be cutting on President Obama when your administration ruined the damn country. Why doesn't that motherfucker just shut the hell up?

I'm Sorry Motherfuckers

I just don't have a damn thing to blog about today.

Maybe tomorrow.

Proving My Point: A Couple of Trashy-Assed Hos Wearing Ed Farty

And don't ask who these two skanky-assed bitches are, because I don't know. I don't hang out with skanky-assed bitches. I think one of them might be Daisy from The Rock of Love.

Shit SB Says in Comments

Ed Hardy is for trashy whores. It is some real ghetto-assed shit.

More Corporate Bullshit

Due to the lack of holiday bonuses, raises, promotions in addition to the increase in taxes, health insurance and transportation costs, it has come to our attention the average work cubicle has too many sharp objects.Please turn in all letter openers, scissors, staplers and fine tip pens to the office manager before the end of the day.

Thank you.

Director of Human Resources/Information Technology/Marketing/Corporate Services

My Brother Nick's Piece on Derek Jarman

Here is a link to my brother Nick's insightful piece in memory of the artist, Derek Jarman. I am so proud of Nick! Please check this shit out as a favor to SB.

Link: http://denniscooper-theweaklings.blogspot.com/

Mark on Tiger Woods at Huffington Post

My dear friend (and person I look up to A WHOLE DAMN LOT), Mark, has a post on Tiger Woods and that whole damn mess over at Huffington Post. Please check it out and comment and say how brilliant Mark is and shit.

Link to post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-olmsted/my-advice-to-tiger-woods_b_467517.html

Coco and Her Big Fat Well-Fed AMERICAN Ass for You Horny Fucking Germans

Enjoy, you damn horny krauts.

[Personally, I liked Anna Nicole and her fat AMERICAN ass better.]

A Notice to Employees

The new microwave in the lunch room is only about a week old and ALREADY it looks as if someone has jacked off all over the inside of it. Please have a little respect for other people and clean up after yourselves.

Thank you.

Adjust Your Damn Junk at Home

This morning, on the way in to the office, bumfuckfucking early (I had to get up early to drop Raj the Schlub off at the vet, because he is getting his nuts chopped), I got behind this 40-something guy in a big-ass Cadillac and that motherfucker was doing everything BUT driving. Motherfucker was messing with his hair, adjusting his seat belt, drinking coffee, putting his sunglasses on, and adjusting his damn junk. It wore me out just watching him. I kid you not. People who are spastic like that just drive me fucking nuts. Then the dumb motherfucker got up to the 4-way stop and didn't even bother with a damn turn single.

PLEASE PEOPLE, ADJUST YOUR DAMN JUNK AT HOME. Adjusting your junk in the car may cause a damn accident.

Don't Feel Like Posting Today

I'm tired and have got a lot on my mind. I'll be back soon.

Love to all.

The Damn Germans Are Filthy-Minded

They keep logging on to look at my old Dead Porn Stars feature. I didn't even know Germans had penises. Didn't they have to surrender their junk after the war?

Can You Tell We're Related? A Comment from Cousin Sheila

ps- I've eliminated oncology as a possible specialty because I never know what the fuck I'm looking at when it comes to a cancer cell. So no cure for cancer from this corner. Maybe a cure for health disparities? That's more my game!

[We are very proud of you, Sheila, whatever you do! Even if you become a cosmetologist or some damn horseshit like that.]

Check Out Sandra's New Blog

Check out my dear friend Mark's sister's new blog. I consider Mark family, so that makes Sandra family, too. Poor thing.

Link: http://www.sandramoreano.blogspot.com/

Mabel the Diarrhetic Wunderkind for Cousin Sheila

The WHOLE FAMILY is VERY PROUD of Cousin Sheila! She is a med student, motherfuckers. She may even find a cure for cancer. You never know.

I Think I Need this Shit Raht Here

Introducing THE CRAZY CAT LADY ROBE!

[The model TOTALLY fucking does it for me, I have to say. I hope I can keep from masturbating to his image tonight. A bitch needs some sleep! And masturbatory acts take away from our night-night time.

Note to the Moms: Everyone masturbates Moms. Sorry!]

TOONCES!

More Shit SB Says

Pioneer Woman drives me nuts. That bitch is a total dipshit.

Shit SB Says

She was telling me that she doesn't like to attend church with her brother. He goes to some sort of damn Unitarian mess, where they suddenly break into a James Taylor sing-along, mid worship. What the fuck does James Taylor have to do with worship? Also she told me that nobody wants to take charge, because they're a bunch of liberal types, afraid to step on each other's toes and shit, so the whole fuckin' deal is pretty chaotic. They need someone like me to take charge. I'd straighten that shit right out.

Bitch Looks Like a Damn Origami

What's up with this fuckery? Does the mother of the bride actually think she looks enchanting or some shit? Bitch looks like a damn origami.

[I'm in a forgiving mood today so I'm going to leave the groom's hair alone.]

Shit Imbecilic Christian Dolts Say

Everyone knows scientists insist on using complex terminology to make it harder for True Christians to refute their claims. Deoxyribonucleic Acid, for example... sounds impressive, right? But have you ever seen what happens if you put something in acid? It dissolves! If we had all this acid in our cells, we'd all dissolve! So much for the Theory of Evolution, Check MATE!

Quote of the Damn Day: Tom Waits

I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.

An Unfortunate Fucking Photo

Even Saints have to fix their junk sometimes. If you don't like Bono, I don't want to hear it. You can say negative shit about him when you have fed as many hungry people as he has. Until then, shut up.

This Shit Made Me Laugh

We are better than anyone, ain't we? Except for the Eagles, the Eagles are better than us.

--Sid Viscious

[Uhhhhmmmm, does this mean The Sex Pistols were better than The Beatles? Cough. Just asking.]

Lady Caca Is a Damn Idiot

SB Doesn't Feel Like Writing Today

SB is tahred. My ass only had about 3.5 hours of sleep last night. I also had to come in early to work because tonight is acupuncture.

I may post later, if I run across anything of interest. I'm not guaran-damn-teeing it will be coherent, however. Until then, good day motherfuckers.

Bunny Bondage for Bethany

Bryce Daniel Tarter MISSING

This concerns a missing kid in Savannah. Please check out the following link. Savannah people are my people, so I want to help get the word out.

God bless Bryce and his family as they go through this awful time. You are in my thoughts.

Link to info: http://www.ncmissingpersons.org/bryce-daniel-tarter/

More Shit SB Says

The Olympics bore the shit out of me. They put my ass to sleep.

Is this a Question for Dr. Oz?

Why is that you don't mind being all sorts of tired when you're fucking somebody new?

Shit SB Says

In the 80s, I was a metal band chick. I had the big hair and large earrings and a leather jacket and all that shit. My hot ass was rockin'.

My Man Baz Is a Hero to Boot

From the NY Post today:

Chaos was narrowly averted at an intimate Guns N' Roses concert when a man with a knife was tackled by ex-Skid Row frontman Sebastian Bach.
The mystery man casually pulled out what appeared to be a switchblade knife as he walked into the packed and uber-exclusive "Nur Khan's Rose Bar Sessions" at the Gramercy Park Hotel on Sunday.

But Bach, who was standing near the door, immediately got the stranger thrown out of the bash, which was attended by a host of stars including Mickey Rourke.

A witness reports, "The man walked in while Guns N' Roses was onstage and pulled out a knife and flicked the blade out. Sebastian, who was standing on a banquette said: 'Nobody is getting anywhere near my man Axl Rose with a knife,' and went after him. Security then immediately threw him out. The man appeared to be drunk. It was dealt with so quickly that none of the other guests or the band were aware of it."

[You've got to love what Baz said. That shit cracks me up. Thank God Axl is okay. If the guy had tried to knife Axl in the face, the knife wouldn't have penetrated anyway, due to all that plastic surgery. Fucker's face is like a bullet-proof vest.]

Okay, I'm Obsessed

And I still want to bite his ass.

Quote of the Damn Day: Jack Handey

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.'

Celebrity Fat Chub

[Sebastian Bach in the old days.]

SB's favorite show this season (after Vampire Diaries, because I want to bite Ian Somerhalder's ass--I think I mentioned that) is Celebrity Fat Club. It's only worth watching due to my old sex-idol Sebastian Bach. If that dude doesn't have the nicest personality, man. We are both amused by the same things. Fucker makes me laugh. This past week Baz was laughing about that damn mess, Bobby Brown, being sober for three years, supposedly, but hitting the vodka and Miller Light really hard. That shit WAS amusing.

Poor Bobby--that fucker is never going to beat the flab. Fucker thinks fried chicken and Miller Lite are diet foods. You can't be skinny and from Georgia. The food's just too damn good.

Baz and I also share a slight problem. We both love the red wine. The fitness instructor had to explain to Sebastian's fine ass that drinking a bottle of red wine a night (which is Baz's habit and also mine) is 700 calories or more. Oopsy! Shit. No wonder I'm a damn fat ass.

Everything fun is poisonous or ruinous.

Quote of the Day: Billy Idol

Everybody got it wrong. I said I was into porn again, not born again.

[Same thing happened to me. Why can't people listen better?]

Ian Somerhalder

Uhhmmm, basically I want to leave bite marks on his ass. Does this make me a bad person? [Apologies to Ian's mother for typing that.]

Shit SB Says

My chicken soft taco tastes like bacon. It's not a BACON soft taco, goddammit.

More Wisdom from Shitmydadsays

"Nah, we don't celebrate it. Don't know who St. Valentine was, don't give a shit, and doubt he wants people screwing in his memory."

SB Is Tahred

Happy Monday, motherfuckers. SB is tahred today and doesn't feel like posting shit. Catch y'all later.

Shit SB Says in a Comment

Life sucks and then you LIVE. I stole that from Anna Nicole, and ironically, that bitch died.

Shit SB Says

I hate the word hubby. It gags the shit out of me.

SB Has a Frozen Car Ignition

Got up at 5:30 this morning to be sure and get Raj the Schlub to the vet for his neutering surgery on time and went to get in the car, and the fucking key wouldn't turn in the ignition. [And no, the steering wheel was not locked.] Called the damn Hyundai service guy, and the fucker said the ignition was likely literally frozen from the extra cold weather we had last night. Great! I got up early for fucking nothing.

My supervisor came and picked me up for work. One of the guys here at work is going home with me at lunch to try and help. Hopefully the fucker will start. If not, I'll have to pay for a tow to the dealer way across town.

Sometimes it doesn't pay to be alive.

Have a great weekend all.

I Googled the Acupuncture Point on Top of the Head

Out of curiousity, I Googled the acupuncture point located on top of the head, and [laugh] it's for treating mental illness. Hopefully her treatment of this area is due to my depression and nothing else, but the description just said for the treatment of mental illness. I think that shit is funny as hell.

Shit SB Says to a Co-Worker

The acupuncturist says I've got to get more hot yang into me.

Dumb Bitch Charged with Animal Cruelty for Selling Goth Kittens

A piece of good news to start the day.

Holly Crawford Charged with Animal Cruelty for Selling Goth Kittens
By Pete Kotz in Animal Cruelty, bizarre

​UPDATE: Holly Crawford, the Pennsylvania woman who tried to make money on the internet selling Goth kittens, was convicted on one count of animal cruelty. According to experts, her feline fashion ideas caused the cats excruciating pain. See update after the jump...

Holly Crawford's "gothic kittens" came equipped with such fabulous features as pierced ears and submission rings implanted into the napes of their necks. ​Holly Crawford is either 16 steps out of fashion, or she's just another money-grubber. Take your pick. Last year, she found a stray cat and decided it would be wise to pierce its ears and neck. Then she got the bright idea to sell her animals online.

So the Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania woman began marketing "gothic kittens" over the internet for hundreds of dollars a pop. They came equipped with such fabulous features as pierced ears and submission rings implanted into the napes of their necks. Why a 35-year-old woman was into goth, we can't tell you. But we can say that PETA caught wind of her advertisements and sent word to Luzerne County animal rescue people. Her home was subsequently raided and she was charged with animal cruelty.

PETA, quite naturally, calls Crawford's methods "barbaric." But she says she took the same precautions with piercing that she would with a human. And since she's a dog groomer by trade, she had no intention of ever hurting the animals. She's pleaded innocent and is expected discover her fate this week. So what do you think, dear reader? Is this cruelty, or just some innocent -- albeit weird -- American money grubbing?

UPDATE: Holly Crawford is convicted on one count of animal cruelty for giving kittens piercings.

As it turns out, what might be a little harmless pain to a human is wickedly excruciating for a kitten. As one veterinarian testified, the kittens suffered horribly.
Cropping a cat's tail leaves it in vicious pain for more than a week, and investigators found that Crawford's cats had infections. The needle used to pierce their ears was also five times what a vet would use for a cat that size. Pierced ears also mess with a cat's hearing. One tried so hard to get rid of its earring that it ripped its own ear.

Worst of all, the submission rings inserted in the napes of their necks just happened to be in the midst of a bundle of nerves. In short, if you wanted to get Medieval on a cat, this was the way to do it.

Crawford was convicted on one count and found innocent on two others. She won't be sentenced until March, but the prosecutor's office is seeking a year to 18 months in the slam.

[I hope the dumb bitch gets all 18.]

Shit the Moms Says

Are you sure it was okay that the accupuncture lady stuck a needle in the top of your head? She could be another Jeffrey Dahmer.

My Goddamn Qi Is Still Out-of-Whack

I had a second appointment with my acupuncturist last night. I looked like a human fucking pin cushion. Bitch even stuck a needle in the top of my head. Guess the qi in my brain is fucked up, too. That would explain a lot, wouldn't it?

Anyhoo, Ms. Acupuncture is worried about her business dropping off due to the economy and the recent bad weather here in the Midwest. She was a bit scattered last night, to say the least. I had to remind her of what she is treating me for when she wrote out my receipt before I left her office. Of course, I thought that shit was hysterically funny, but when I told the Moms, she was ALARMED. Ms. A was asking my about my high blood pressure. I told her that I didn't have high blood pressure to my knowledge. Laugh.

I am sleeping better, and I feel somewhat optimistic this morning (MIRACLE!), despite listening to Morrissey on the way in. I am still struggling with cutting the alcohol and cleaning up the diet, but as Ms. Moon and Bill Murray wisely remind me: BABY STEPS. Baby stepping away from the drink. Baby stepping away from shitty processed carbs.

Tomorrow, Raj the Siamese Schlub, gets his dick chopped. I think that motherfucking sentence is a good way to end this post. [She may need to stick another needle in my brain.]

Something Is Squeezing My Skull

I'm doing very well
I can block out the present and the past now
I know by now you think I should have straightened myself out
Thank you, drop dead
Something is squeezing my skull
Something I can barely describe
There is no love in modern life

I'm doing very well
It's a miracle I even made it this far
The motion of taxis excite me
Will you peel it back and bite me?
Something is squeezing my skull
Something I can barely describe
There is no hope in modern life
Something is squeezing my skull
Something I can't fight
No true friends in modern life

Diazepam (that's valium)
Tamazepam...lithium...HRT, ECT
How long must I stay on this stuff?

Don't give me anymore, don't give me anymore, don't give me anymore, don't give me anymore, PLEASE DON'T give me anymore
You swore you would not give me anymore, don't give me anymore....
Please don't give me anymore
Oh you swore
You swore!
You swore!
You swore you would not give me anymore

[lyrics by Morrissey]

Shit SB Says to a Co-Worker

I have another accupuncture appointment tonight, and I'm going to ask her, because I'm curious, whether there are any accupuncture points in the butt. Or, it could be another question for Dr. Oz.

The Mormons Are Making Up for Lost Time

No wonder the Mormons have so many damn children. Take the Osmond family, for example. I mean if the church won't even let them masturbate when they are young. . . Those fuckers are making up for lost time.

More Fucking Shit SB Sez

I always would prefer to love those who don't want to be loved and show disdain and that shit equals cats.

What Would YOU Do for a Klondike Bar?

I'd give a rim job to a leper.

[I like to think up the grossest filthiest possible response to this question whenever I see the commerial or run across an ad. I don't know why. Don't ask.]

More Helpful Advice from The Mormon Guide to Self Control

When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.

Quote of the Day

When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell "Stop!" to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind. Then recite a portion of the Bible or sing a hymn.

--Mormon Guide to Self-Control

[Uhhhmmm, okay. That'll work.]

Klingons Crossing the Delaware: For My Brother Hank

Because we both like strange photos.

I hate Star Trek though. I don't think I've ever stayed awake through an entire episode. Spock gets on my last nerve. Can you imagine being trapped on a spaceship with that monotone-ass boring motherfucker for eternity? SB would try and leave his ass behind on a deserted planet or some shit.

Oh shit, motherfuckers, I think we forgot Spock! Too bad we can't go back. I can't put the ship in danger. And no, Scotty, we won't be beaming Spock's boring ass up. Don't you hit that button, motherfucker! I'm warning you.

The Most Beautiful Man

Wasn't he lovely?

Do Something About the Hair, Don

I know it's supposed to be some sort of trademark, but that shit is creepy, and it looks like Jesus hell. If I was his wife, I wouldn't fuck him until he had that shit cut. Well, actually, I wouldn't fuck him anyway.

Would you fuck Don Trump? And if so, what would Don have to pay you to make that shit happen? That's our question for the day. Answers in comments.

Here America, Focus on this Family

This is the new American family. Aren't they gorgeous? Fuck you, Glenn Beck.

Shit SB Says in a Comment to Her Sister-in-Law's Go-Green Blog Posting

Sorry, I have to stick to the damn plastic bags. They come in handy for dog poop clean up.

Besides, I don't give a shit if the Earth goes to hell. I'm a white person, It's my job to rape the Earth.

The Cocksucking Snow

Can I share with you motherfuckers how motherfucking sick I am of the goddamn snow? Can I also share with you the indignity of having to park across the cocksucking snow-filled street in the old gas station lot, due to a cocksucking village ordinance that declared a snow emergency yesterday and stated that under penalty of towage, a motherfucking tax payer can't park in the cocksucking street? SB has no driveway. Fuck that shit. I couldn't even warm the car up this morning. I had to scrape the motherfucker, and then sit in the COLD car, waiting for it to warm up.

I bought two new lamps last night and only assembled one, so far the moggies have not destroyed it. There is still a chance I might find the fucker lying in broken pieces on the lunch hour though. The more expensive lamp is still in the chicken-fucking box for now.

My first cup of coffee was lousy this morning. Do you feel my pain? Do you understand that a lousy first cup of Joe ruins the whole damn day? Also, Mercer, the Queen of this Damn Blog, gacked outside my bedroom door in the middle of the night last night, so the sleepage left something to be desired. But, of course, my suffering pales in comparison to the Rebel lack of toilet paper during the Civil War. My suffering is nothing compared to that of those poor boys, who only had shitty bitter chickory coffee to drink, thanks to the fucking Yankees. I will remember my bloodline and keep a stiff upper lip about the lousy first cup of coffee and having to park across the cocksucking street. Like my people, I am a survivor. The Yankee North winter and bad Starbuck's shall not defeat me!

I'd Still Fuck Sebastian Bach

And may I just say if Bas can get fat, then NO ONE is immune to fighting the chunk. That fucker was a total fucking string bean when he was younger, and now he wears a shirt that says: Property of Celebrity Fat Club (Chub?).

It happens, motherfuckers--the middle-age spread. It happens. Even to the gods of rock.

Shit SB Says When the Fug Next-Door Cat Is in the Yard

Oh Jaysus, is that ugly fucker in the yard again?

Jesus God, What an Ugly Cat

You have to go pretty far to find a feline that SB finds unattractive. Okay, I lied. Actually, my next door neighbors have one of the fuggest cats I've ever seen. He is just slobby and fat (his belly actually drags the ground), and the hairy fucker has this perpetually sour look on his face. Since he's an outdoor cat, I woke up in the middle of the night last night, temporarily alarmed about his being out all night in the frigid snow. But then I remembered how unattractive the fucker is, and the thought occurred to me, that if he dies, I won't have to be startled by his sudden appearance in my yard this spring and summer. I won't find the old sour fucker on my porch, glaring at me when I try to enjoy a peaceful moment on the sunny deck. So then I decided I was okay with that prospect and rolled over and went back to sleep.

I Just Like the Damn Photo, Okay?

This fucker's ready for a party. Nice hat. Beyonce be stealin' that shit for her fashion line. The chinchilla will NOT get credit, trust me.

What Would You Do in a Past Life that Would Be SO BAD, You'd Be Condemned to Haunt the Fucking Post Office?

This poor bitch. This is my nightmare. I'd rather go to hell, frankly.

Link to story: http://www.stuff.co.nz/oddstuff/3295546/Busting-out-the-ghost-theories

I Don't Feel Like Writing Dick Today

If that changes, I'll be back later on. If not, I'll catch y'all tomorrow.

The moggies knocked over my mosaic lamp last night and smashed that motherfucker to bits. The Moms used to say: You can't have anything nice when you have kids. Apparently that shit applies to cats, too. I shook a finger at the furry little fucks and said, "You can't have anything nice when you have cats. Fuckers." C'est vrai, man. C'est vrai.

Quote of the Damn Day: Morrissey

You're not right in the head.
Nor am I.
And this is why I like you. I like you.

Fun with Spanish Curse Words

In an effort to eradicate some of the ignorant arrogance of my countrymen, SB is going to start featuring a little useful Spanish to enlighten you dumb motherfuckers. [This is not directed at my non-American friends, but if you want to learn along with us, that's okay.]

Today, we are featuring the phrase Hijo de puta (e-hho-deh-PU-tah), which translates roughly to son-of-a-bitch (or more accurately: son-of-a-whore).

Sentence usage: That Hijo de puta stole my motherfucking car, motherfucker.

NEW SB Biggest Cunt Poll

VOTE muchachos y muchachas. Hágalo ahora!

Translation for lazy dumb arrogant single language-speaking Americans (which means pretty much all Americans):

VOTE boys and girls. DO IT NOW!

SB Poll Results for Worst Thespian EVER in the History of Man EVER

That dumb fat windbag Jessica Simpson ran away with the win. Personally, I think Chuck Norris is the SUCKIEST actor, but maybe that's because Daddums and Uncle Gene subjected me to Walker Texas Ranger episodes for years. Frankly, I would rather have been beaten with WIRE HANGERS.

[I like to run around and chase the cats with hangers, yelling: NO MORE WIRE HANGERS EVER!!!! They really enjoy that shit.]

How to Pick a Friend

If I can imagine a ho crying and carrying on and grabbing on to my casket at my funeral, then that bitch is my friend.

p.s. If you try and get in the coffin with me (because you can't go on without me), you get extra points!

More Shite SB Sez

I won't hang out with her. That dumb cunt is too vulgar. Shit makes my ears burn.

Shit SB Says in a Blog Comment

That was fucking funny. I loved reading that anti-feminist shit. Guess you have to be ONE dumb motherfucker to be a really good dancer. I dance like a monkey on crack. Does that mean I'm TOO SMART to dance?

More importantly, does this mean Fred Astaire was a dumb-ass?

Shit SB Says to a Co-Worker

I've got to straighten my damn qi out. My qi is fucked up.

Need Extra Money?

I am looking for someone who can clean my home once a week. There is however one catch. You must clean the home in a giraffe costume. I have always had a fascination with giraffes and this just excites me. During your time cleaning the home I will toss you peanuts and carrots as if you were a real giraffe in a drive thru safari. For this job I am willing to pay 50 a week extra if you can manage to find a walrus costume and get someone else to come with you as the walrus.

Vanity Will Keep Us Celibate

Don't worry Moms, now that I'm divorced, I'm not going to run out and start whoring around and shit. Vanity will keep us celibate. I wouldn't want anyone to see my fat naked ass.

[And Morrissey had better not steal Vanity Will Keep Us Celibate for the title of his new single, unless he sends me a free copy.]

Shit SB Says

That was about a boring motherfucking half-time show. The Who? You're kidding me. At some point you need to have a little decorum and retire from rock n' roll. That point probably comes before you start wearing Depends and using Efferdent.

The Good Bush (Yes, There Actually Is One)

CONGRATULATIONS TO REGGIE BUSH AND THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS!

More Shit SB Sez in an E-mail to the Fabulous Ms. Moon

Glad yoga was good. I have a cocksucking Qigong set coming. Ms. Accupuncture wants me to start moving my fat ass. My chi is all out of whack and shit.

You Only Have TWO Days Left to Vote, Motherfuckers! GET BUSY.

If you haven't voted for the most talentless thespian in the SB poll on the right side of this page, do that shit NOW. Only TWO measly days left. People died so you indolent motherfuckers could vote. DO YOUR DUTY!

Only ONE vote per motherfucker, so DON'T EVEN THINK about loading the ballet box, so to speak, especially you damn slimy republican assholes! SB doesn't trust YOU PEOPLE for shit.

Shit SB Says

How's come every motherfucker and his brother has written a book? And most people who write books have the most uninteresting lives. You couldn't pay me to read that boring shit. And yes, I am jealous, because I have the attention span of a fruit fly and can't sustain a plot.

Geico Employs Some Crazy Motherfuckers

I work at Geico (Stafford location) and have a LOT of accrued sick time. Unfortunately, they will not let me use it without a valid doctor approved sickness, so it just keeps piling up with me not having any access to it. With the holiday season right around the corner, and me having way more sick leave than vacation time, I would like to use the sick time for a change and allow my vacation time to accrue. So, that being said- does anyone have the swine flu, aka H1N1 that is living or commutes through the Stafford/Fredericksburg area. If so, I would like you to infect me. I can come to your house or meet you somewhere, and if successfully infected- I will give you twenty bucks. This will also give me the opportunity to infect my team leader by licking her phone, mouse and keyboard- so it will be a double win for me!!

I'll Take New Orleans for the Superbowl

I'll always take the rebels over the yankees. Any day, man. Any day. Besides New Orleans was my Gram's favorite city. Go Saints! Kick some yankee butt!

The Colorado School of Mimes

At one point during the text book-publishing process, the client asked us to provide artwork of The Colorado School of Mines. One of the cheese-brained, and possibly hearing-impaired, interns came up with a photo of The Colorado School of Mimes instead. As you can imagine, this was somewhat embarrassing.

Shit SB Says

In the publishing industry, it was a damn challenge to gather all the editors in the same room for a meeting. Artistic liberal types are not big on organizational skills. We felt like we were doing good if we could start the damn meeting 30 minutes past the scheduled fucking start time. One editor would be sent to look for another editor who was missing, and of course, the missing editor would show up in the interim and someone would have to be sent to search for the original searcher. That shit was like herding cats, and trust me, I know from herding cats.

The Cocksucking Snow Is Headed Our Way

Buttfuck, Ohio is officially under a winter storm WARNING. They are calling for fucking 4 to 8 inches of snow, beginning in the wee hours tomorrow morning. GREAT.

The fuckers in the cube down the aisle from me have already starting speculating about the weather and potential snowfall incessantly and checking the damn satellite maps every hour. I feel like shouting: WHAT WILL HAPPEN, WILL HAPPEN! LET'S WORRY ABOUT IT THEN, SHALL WE? GET THE FUCK BACK TO WORK!

[SB used to be a supervisor. I had a knack for that shit.]

SB Has a Crush

I think Jonathan Rhys Meyers is gorgeous. I love The Tudors. He's such an evil bed-hopping snot.

Also, he's not too good for Dunkin Donuts. I lived off of Dunkin Donuts vanilla creme-filled donuts when I was young and broke in NYC. My roommate and I would buy a box and eat those fuckers all weekend.

When I'm Old, I'm Going to Do Shit Like This

When I'm old, I'm going to do shit like stand on my head in my underwear and frighten the neighborhood children. I'll leave the curtains wide open. I don't like the little fuckers anyway. It will keep them from coming over.

Just Not in the Mood to Write

If that changes, motherscratchers, I'll post later. If not, over and out bitches!

I know I'm really popular and shit, but you'll live. Popularity is a cross I bear. Everybody's got a boulder to shoulder, man.

Have a fanfuckingtastic Thursday.

This Is One of the Weirdest Things I've Ever Read

Link to story: http://www.mysanantonio.com/news/Self-described_wolf_woman_severed_lost_dogs_head.html

Christian Book Dealers Are Praying for Me

I guess I accidentally bought some shit off Amazon from some Christian book dealers. Their e-mail said they are praying for me. If they only knew.

There ain't enough prayer in the WORLD, bitches!

More Shit SB Says

What do I hear when I listen to a preacher or a televangelist? Remember that voice Peppermint Patty used to hear on the phone?

Dumb Motherfuckers

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

Quote of the Day/Stupid Republicans

It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

--Dan Quayle

[How a state that could give us Kurt Vonnegut could also puke up Dan Quayle boggles the mind.]

Fuck You Fuck Fucking Fucker (a poem by SB)

Fuck you, you fuck fucking fucker
with your stick-on fish
and Bush bumpersticker
in your gas-guzzling SUV from HELL

[Sometimes, I'm just inspired.]

Shit SB Says to the Moms

Will you tell Daddums to stop greeting me by asking, "Is this the fat ass?" I'm not that obese. I'm just a little on the chub.

Phil Phucked Us Over

Nobody is as funny as Michael over at Dlisted.

Case in point: http://dlisted.com/node/35884

That said, I'd like to fucking shoot Phil. ENOUGH OF WINTER! I'm ready to have a nice cold beer in the sun on the cocksucking porch.

I told you I was crabby today!

Encashment

FOR THOSE SCAM EMAILS FROM NIGERIA WHO POSE AS ROOMMATES AND ASK FOR PERSONAL INFO AND PRETEND TO BE DAMSEL IN DISTRESS AND MOVING TO L.A., MODEL, NURSE, ETC. – STOP TRYING. DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME ANYMORE. I HAVE RECEIVED MAYBE 1,000 FAKE EMAILS PRETENDING TO SEND CHECKS FOR ENCASHMENT. I KNOW THE SCAM SO DON’T BOTHER. MOVE ON.

What a Fucking Retard

I'd like to beat the shit out of this dumb ho (link below). When I think I've seen all the stupidity and cruelty that the human species has to offer, I am always surprised yet again. We are the worst species going, hands down. Case in point below. And the kitten in the picture looks like Puppini, and that makes me even fucking madder.

[And, yes, I am grumpy. I had to come in early in order to make it to my accupuncture appointment on time. My Qi is out of whack.]

Link to the story of a brain-dead bitch:
http://www.truecrimereport.com/2010/02/holly_crawford_charged_with_an.php#more

John Is NOT the Douche

John,
To your posting addressing me, "using language you used betrays the fact that you have some anger issues that need addressing", #1 you don't know me so do NOT try to phsyco analyze me. #2 If "shit" and "douche" offend you, TOUGH, no one was born with the right not to be offended. Plain and simple, this little SHIT is in fact a DOUCHE! Do you really truly believe this was a tragety for the boy?! Yeah BIG tragety (that was sarcasm) the kid, watched TV and happily went to school the next day after murdering his parents, classic signs of a sociopath. John, for your comments you have just earned the title "Tool" and "Douche of the Day" along with that other douche that is blaming this on gun control. What happens when someone kills someone while driving their car? Balme it on the car?! GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE! MERCY TO THE GUILTY IS CRUELTY TO THE INNOCENT!

[Note: If you are going to take someone on in the Comments section of a well-known blog, it might make more of an impression if you can spell.]

Shit SB Says

Fucker needs to quit with the makeup. At a certain age, it gets embarrassing and undignified. If he's going to persist, bitch needs some damn lip liner.

I Could Have Said This, But Morrissey Did

“When I'm lying in my bed I think about life and I think about death and neither one particularly appeals to me.”

More Morrissey

"I do maintain that if your hair is wrong, your entire life is wrong.”

[Fuckin' A.]

Morrissey Is a God

On growing old: “Age shouldn’t affect you. You’re either marvellous or you’re boring, regardless of your age.”

[This one hits home today. Some more piss-slow pensioner bores held me up in line at the pharmacy over lunch. Fuckers. Old people always have 1,001 questions at the pharmacy. I was shooting them the side-eye and shit. Just because you're an old creak doesn't mean you need to hold everybody else up. When I'm old, I'm going to go against stereotype and rush everywhere. I'm going to be a lead foot. I mean, I'm going to remain a lead foot.]

BIG Fat-Assed Cocksucker

As Morrissey would ask, "When will you die?" Maybe the cigars will help him along.

[Note: The above is SB's (and about half the world's) opinion only. I cannot prove Rush is a cocksucker. He's probably not, because that would be fun, and the conservatives don't want anyone to have any fun EVER.]

Shit SB Says in a Comment

Puppini is my favorite. I let her walk all over the stove and countertops. That bitch has privileges.

More Shit SB Says

Scrapbooking and Longaberger Baskets bore the fucking shit out of me. I'd rather claw out my eyes, frankly. My inlaws were always talking about that shit. They even tried to organize a tour of the Longaberger factory. I wanted to tour the Jack Daniels distillery instead.

The Stitches Came Out

I took Bella Puppini to the vet last night to get the stitches removed from her spaying surgery. She only growled a little at the vet as the stitches came out. Right after the vet assistant let her ass go, Puppini hopped back into the cat carrier and crouched down really low so that nobody could see her through the netting (yeah, right). Bitch lowered her ears even. Clearly, she was trying to tell the vet that she had had enough of their fucking shit, and her incensed ass was going home. Puppini is gifted with smarts like that. I think I need a bumper sticker about how smart my cat is in comparison to all you other fuckers' felines.

Blogging experts say the number one way to lose readers is to discuss your children or your pets on your blog. Fuck you blog experts, you bunch of pussies.

SB Movie Review: Two Limp Dicks for Paranormal Activity

Shit sucked. Don't waste your money. It was only even slightly scary for about two minutes at the end. I wish I could get the two hours of my life back I spent watching this trash.

More Vicious

I've only been in love with a beer bottle and a mirror.

--Sid Vicious

[Who can blame that good-looking fuck for being in love with a mirror? Totally understandable, if you ask SB.]

Quote of the Day

American audiences are just the same as any other audiences. Except a bit more boring.

--Sid Vicious [Fucker had that one pegged.]

From Shitmydadsays

"STOP apologizing. You're sorry, he gets it, Jesus. You spilled a glass of wine, not fucked his wife."

Don't Piss Memaw Betty Off

I don't think Memaw Betty is entirely pleased with Ronnie Jr.'s choice of bride.

Also, the bride is a lard ass, and Memaw does not approve of that shit. Memaw Betty is going to have to lock up her stash of Oreos when Ronnie and the wife drop by, and that's a pain in her ass.

Shit SB Says

I woke up without my nose earring this morning. Maybe I inhaled that fucker in my sleep. My luck, one of the cats will find it and eat it, and my ass will have to shell out a couple thousand dollars for feline gastric surgery.

Shit SB Says to a Co-Worker

My damn weak-assed qi is going to cost me a hundred dollars.

(Baffled) Co-Worker: Wha??????

I've got an appointment with a Chinese Medicine/acupuncture practitioner on Wednesday. Shit's going to cost me one-hundred damn dollars for an hour to try and straighten my girly-ass qi out. I got the weak qi, man. It's the root of all problems.

One of SB's Favorite Movie Scenes of All Time

I've been trying to find a party this good all of my adult life.

A Free Spirit

Okay, I really meant to say: A Damn Whore. I was being polite, motherfuckers. Also, bitch has the wonk eye.

Quote of the Day and SB's Personal Motto

“Well, you know, like, I don't really give a fuck what the general public think.”

--Sid Vicious

Something to Contemplate

SB Is in a Crabby Hungover Mood

I don't have dick to say today, peeps. I am uninspired. If it changes, I'll post again. If not, then NOT.

In the immoral words of Bob Geldorf [shut up, that's what I call him]: I don't like Mondays.