Friday, January 29, 2010

The Moms Will NEVER Be a Mormon

As a kid, the Moms and Daddums hauled my brother and I's squabbling asses out to Seattle for a vacation. How fucking brave (or dumb) was that shit? Two fussing kids in a car ALL THE WAY from fucking Buttfuck, Ohio to Seattle, Washington? Only the young would attempt that shit, and the Moms and Daddums were pretty green then.

Steve and I fought almost the entire way. Motherfucker kept crossing the dividing line in the back seat with his hands when the Moms wasn't continuously observing us as any good mother fucking well should have done.

On the way out to Seattle, we made a stop in Salt Lake City and took a tour of the BIG Mormon Tabernacle. I was personally excited, because that was Donny and Marie's church, and maybe we'd run into them worshipping and shit. Also, Donny and I could get married right there on the spot. How convenient!

Anyhoo, early in the tour, the guide pissed the Moms off when she explained that unless you are married in the Mormon Church, your marriage is not recognized by God. The dumb ho made the REALLY BIG MISTAKE of informing the Moms that she and Daddums would not be married in heaven. What? The OUTRAGE! This meant that basically Steve and I were BASTARDS! Her precious progeny were BASTARDS!

That was the end of our tour of the Tabernacle. It may have been one of the shortest tours ever given there. Sadly, I did not encounter a single damn Osmond, not even stupid fat Jimmy or Earle and Verle (or whatever the older dweeby brothers who were not in show biz were named).

5 comments:

Lou said...

Hmmm..that is exactly what the Catholic church says about being married there. Must be a lot of us bastards running around!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Lou,
Must be!

The Dish said...

Wonder what they would say about me? I wasn't even married in a church.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Dish,
They had better not say anything about you. I'll kick their asses.

Love, SB.

Ms. Moon said...

All I have to say about this is- I can't wait to talk to you on my porch. We are going to tell some tales.