Tuesday, January 26, 2010

A Trip to the Cataract Surgeon (Thanks, Daddums!)

SB always wins the genetic lottery in the good old fam. Thanks to the Daddums, at the ripe old age of 43, SB has cataracts forming in BOTH eyes. I just got back from the eye surgeon, and my eyes are bad enough that insurance should pay for the surgery in BOTH eyes. But the motherfuckers only do one eye at a time, and they start with the worst one. So, in another month or so, I should have ONE semi-decent eye. This may alarm some of you currently driving in the tri-state area, and frankly, it should, but I do have the road between here and home fairly memorized as far as stop signs and shit go.

Also due to the genetic lottery (Did I forget to thank Daddums?), I have a familial history of detached retinas, so now I get to go to the retina doctor for a check BEFORE the goddamn cataract surgery can take place. Motherfuckers will dilate my fucking orbs AGAIN there. Great! [Of course my dumb ass waived the sun glass lenses they offered me to help me drive after today's appointment. I went careening down the roadway, back to work, tears streaming down my fucking face. Won't do that again. Passing motorists probably thought I was a damn afternoon drunk. I still can't see shit, so forgive any typos.]

As some of you may know, I don't like old people. They are smelly, and fuckers are always holding my fat busy ass up. Fuckers are pokey because they are retired and have all the time in the goddamn world. I know, I know--shame on me! Fuck you. I'm just being honest, and it's my blog, SO I WILL FUCKING WELL SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT. Besides, you don't read me for my compassion, and you damn well know it. NEWSFLASH: I'm not Mother-fucking-Theresa or Princess Di, goddammit.

Anyhoo, I told the Moms my dislike of elders is why (besides the genetic lottery--thanks Daddums!), I have premature cataracts. God, or whatever, finds it hysterical that I have to go spend time in a waiting room with a whole bunch of geriatric motherhumpers.

Sure enough, just after I signed in with the receptionist, a busload of Maria Joseph Care Center pensioners rolled in. This one old bitch couldn't see dick OR HEAR. In fact, she said, "The only thing worse than my eyes is my hearing." Some good fucking Samaritan type wheeled her ass over NEXT TO ME. Thanks a fucking lot! I wanted TO DIE. I grabbed a magazine QUICK-like, lest the old bitch decide to strike up a conversation or some shit. I mean this bat COULD NOT HEAR AT FUCKING ALL, and her ass had a hearing aid!

Every time the poor receptionist called a name, the deaf old bag would shout something like, "WHAT? WHAT NAME DID YOU JUST CALL? I CAN'T HEAR YOU KNOW!" Jesus H. Christ. The poor receptionist tried to get it across to the old bat that it wasn't her that was called, but Deaf Bat couldn't even hear the receptionist assuring her it wasn't her or EVEN SEE the receptionist shaking her head NO IT IS NOT YOU at her. What would the fucking point be? I submit that to all of you compassionate fucking lot. What would the point in living be, if you can't fucking see OR hear? Maybe the old bag's taste buds are really honed, due to the loss of the other senses or some shit. Maybe the old whore lives to eat. Literally. I just can't see the damn point, myself.

A young man waiting with his grandfather looked over at me at one point, when all this shit was going down, and rolled his eyes and said, "I don't want to get old." We were both feeling THE FEAR. You KNOW what I'm talking about.

Most of the time, I dont worry, I just figure I'll get the family genes and build airplanes when I am 80 or something, like my Uncle Gene, or take up square dancing when I'm 90, like my Great Aunt Lela, but who the fuck knows? It's all a roulette, motherdickers. You takes your chances. Did I mention that the Daddums wears hearing aids? I could well wind up like the poor hapless irritating old bag in the waiting room. It could happen. Fortunately, I will likely also inherit a good variety of firearms, coming from the family that I do. [Everybody's all NRA and shit.]

Later in the appointment, they stuck the old blind/deaf bat two rooms down from me, and I heard the eye surgeon shout at her (with the damn door closed) that he'd see her in another two years, and I'm thinking--yeah, right. I'm sure that motherfucking eye surgeon was thinking, maybe I'll get a break, and the old bag will keel over before then, because what's the point in operating? Bitch can't see OR hear.

When my turn for the doc to examine me came, I flat out told that motherfucker that THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I would do his job. Not for love or money. I told him that I have no patience with the damn elderly. However much money that motherfucker makes, IT AIN'T ENOUGH. He laughed. He really did. I meant that shit though.

30 comments:

The Dish said...

Cataracts? What the shit, Woman? Glad you get the surgery, covered. One eye at a time? Retinal detachment? You sound like The Husband's step dad.

Oh, and getting your eyes dilated sucks donkey balls.

Ms. Moon said...

One of the main reasons I love you so much is that you don't dick around. You say it the way it is.
But I must ask- will you still love me when I'm old?

Tom said...

"Hope I die before I get old"
- Pete Townshend

A-fucking-men

Jeannie said...

I'm nearly guaranteed to get cataracts eventually since both my parents had them. My mom can't hear either. I've already got a couple kinds of arthritis which neither of them had. But it looks like it'll be my heart, if anything that takes me down in the end - there's very little cancer anywhere. And I will be that old biddy - folks live to be 96 - 102 in my family. No way do I want to get that old.

Steph(anie) said...

That's a damn shame.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Dish,
Yes, dialation sucks shit.

Love,

SB.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ms. Moon,
I will always always love you. Besides, I'll be an old bag along with you. We'll shoot heroin together.

LOVE YOU!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Tom,
YES!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Jeannie,
I hear you, babe. Growing old ain't for sissies, is it?

Love, love, love,

SB.

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Her ass had a hearing aid - whatever for :o)

Mr.Mischief said...

Depends on what's getting dilated..lol...sorry bout the cataracts, but I bet getting some dark glasses and a white tipped cane then whacking people with it at the mall would make for some entertainment even if your not blind.

mrs. miss alaineus said...

the best part about being old is that you can be like my grandma and say the meanest things about people and so get away with it. . .

my granny was in a wheelchair and it would PISS HER THE FUCK OFF when people asked me questions for her. she was all about the 'i'm over here- what doesn't she see me???? hello? hello? HELLO! i want a patty melt and dont use that dammned fake swiss cheese now!

that sucks about your eyes- can you still get lasik?

xxalainaxx

Lori said...

Aw sorry to hear you are going through the joy of having your eyes screwed with. Didn't you want to wear those groovy sunglasses? Ugh..Welcome to my world..I wait on busloads of the elderly constantly. Some are sharp and delightful. Some need to stay in their rooms and never venture out in public. I have one regular senior who comes in every Wednesday, and hugs me. She smells like urine. I feel so damn bad I hug her back as I am afraid of karma. I hope I get to be a grouchy old bitch one day...thanks for the laugh..

Beth said...

SB I am sorry to hear about your cataracts but take heart! Daddums not being able to see has never stopped him from doing the things he loves: shooting at stuff, driving, and eating spaghetti at the casinos.

Monkey Outlaw said...

Oh holy hell I am sooooo blind right now from laughing so hard at this post! If I have to go sit in a room full of ben gay smelling old asshats I am holding you responsible!

Petit fleur said...

eeewe! dialation does suck shit whether it is in the eyes or ahem, elsewhere.

Hope you are seeing better soon.
xo

Mel's Way or No Way said...

My sweetie says welcome to everyday of her working life. Not only are they blind and deaf, they have dementia too!

Kathleen Scott said...

Oh my word. SB, I'm hoping this is the third thing. There was the divorce and the holiday flu and now cataract operations. After this, you'll be home free for the next decade. Job will be good, you'll lose 10 lbs. without trying and you'll meet the man of your dreams.

Only thing left to worry about is insanity from frustration.

I hope you're taking notes on your life as it happens. It would make an entertaining book. You could sell the movie rights for enough to retire to the islands with a handsome houseboy.

michelle said...

I'm not a fan of deaf blind old people either

the walking man said...

Hey you're just the bitch I want when my fucking ass gets all dependent on Depends and shit. I still haven't found anyone who will roll my wheel chair to the fucking river and let go somewhere mid way down the damn hill.

Until then get the damn cataracts taken out one at a time. So you can keep working to pay my Medicare and Social Security.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Bucko,
Search me, man.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Miss A.,
Your grandma sounds like a good time to me!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Lori,
You are a damn sweetheart, you are.

Love, SB.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Beth,
About time your ass commented. Beth is SB's sister-in-law, motherscratchers.

Daddums is one SCARY fucking driver and you know it! My surgeons better do a better job than his.

Love, Moi.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Monkey Outlaw,
I hope you DO have to go sit with a room full of geriatrics. Everybody should be tortured occasionally.

Have fun!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

PF,
Thanks!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Melly Mel,
Tell your sweetie I said yo. I could not do her job, man.

Love you.

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Kathleen,
You are dear to my heart.

Love, SB.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Michelle,
Me neither, woman. Jesus.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Walking Man,
SB is your girl. I'll push the damn chair already.

Love you.