Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Dubble Bubble, Fuck You

[Caption: These motherfuckers ain't getting any of my gum. Well, okay, maybe the watermelon-flavoured shit. It sucks ass. That pathetic excuse for a Captain Kirk on the right can't even figure out what the hell he's holding. Fucker can't even work a damn cell phone. Check out the expression on his face. Would you want him leading the ship? I sure as hell wouldn't.]

I went to K-fart and bought THREE--count them!--THREE bags of Dubble Bubble Halloween gum mega assortments. I felt like my ass had died and gone to heaven. Fuck virgins in paradise--THREE BAGS OF DUBBLE BUBBLE MEGA GUM ASSORTMENTS!

And no, I didn't buy the goddamn gum for the fucking treaters and beggars. I don't like kids. They scare me to death, and every year Mr. SB bought candy and left that shit for me to pass out, because he worked a damn night job to support my ass, and he actually cared what the damn neighbours thought, if you can believe that shit. We had nothing in common.

Anyhoo, every year I had to get drunk, because I didn't know what to say to the costumed little fuckers and that made me uptight. UPTIGHT = AMBULATORY ALCOHOLIC. [All you readers with kids might as well forget that idea you had about asking me to be a Godparent. Sorry.] Also, I wound up eating most of the candy because I was NERVOUS. I am a compulsive eater, after all.

I did pretty good last Halloween, because I was not only drinking, but taking prescription Ativan. I actually managed to say clever things like: Have a nice evening! and Aren't you a cute little--uhhhmmm--whatever it is you are?

Anyway, this year I can just shut my fucking porch light off, sit safely inside, and get my car vandalized by malignant teenagers. I'm divorced now, and my ass is running the damn show! In fact, I can eat all 3 bags of Dubble Bubble all by my damnself. And I will, too! Except that there's a slight problem. So far, there are FAR MORE watermelon pieces of gum than any other kind! There's barely any grape at all, goddammit. And that's my favourite.

THE EXECUTIVES AT DUBBLE BUBBLE CAN GO AND GET FUCKED! THEY CAN LICK MY ANAL SPHINCTER. I HATE watermelon period, and I hate watermelon-flavoured anything. If I liked watermelon, I'd just buy a damn watermelon, not crappy faux-flavoured shitty gum.

Here's my question: Was watermelon gum cheaper to produce than the other flavours? If any of you fucking Dubble Bubble employees happen to read this, can you answer this fucking question? I'd also be obliged if you'd send me an ENTIRE BOX of the grape-flavoured gum.


The Dish said...

Will you be my god parent? And I will chew all the watermelon for you.

Ms. Moon said...

I don't like any flavored gum except mint. Sorry.
I get like three trick-or-treaters. This does not discourage me from buying Reese's Peanut Butter cups by the bag. And then- well- someone has to eat them.

gingermagnolia said...

I've already been eating the marshmallow pumpkins. Oy. I'll take some of that watermelon gum, too.

michelle said...

I'm always relieved when I have to work on Halloween. I hate trick or treaters, I hate candy, I hate costumes. Bah humbug

Thank god for babysitters and dads who dig Halloween

Anonymous said...

We don't answer the door. After 13 years here, they don't bother knocking any more. Especially after I peed myself laughing at the school bully and his piss poor excuse for a costume lol. We hide from Santa too.... every damn year when we hear the charity float with it's bloody Christmas carols, it's quick, turn the lights off, hide behind the curtains... bloody God botherers too.... oooh, don't get me started.... they've blacklisted my address too after our last encounter lol

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Since you are older and can belt a few beers back with me, sure, I'll be your Godmother.

You do have to chew all the damn yucky gum though. Sorry.

Love, SB.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ms. Moon,
I LOVE THE REESES! It's the only peanut butter I like.

Love you too!


Sarcastic Bastard said...

I'm glad I'm not alone, my dear. Misery LOVES company.



Sarcastic Bastard said...

I like to consider myself the neighbourhood hermit.

Luckily my dog frightens off the religious nuts. I always pat her on the head after and say good dog. Then I give her a biscuit.

Love, SB.