Monday, October 12, 2009

I Was TOO DAMN YOUNG for the Party

Yes, you motherfuckers read that shit right: SB was TOO DAMN YOUNG for the party. I went to a party for my Aunt's boyfriend who turned 70-fucking-5 on Saturday. It was the first party I have attended since I separated with Mr. SB, and I was the only person under 60 there. Jesus. I pointed out to the Moms that there were no eligible men for me to date.

"Do you want to date?" she asked.

"Well, no, but that's not the point really. Is it?"

The Moms and I were sitting in the sun (it was colder than a brass monkey's ass), when two hapless elders parked their folding chairs next to us. All the damn wife did (FOR THE ENTIRE FUCKING PARTY) was bitch about how cold it was and how she wished she had brought her heavier coat. This ho then proceeded to bitch to us, while giving her cornball husband (BIG BLOWHARD) the side-eye and saying (OVER AND FUCKING OVER), "I wanted to bring my warm jacket, and HE said I wouldn't need it."

The poor bastard.

The Moms leaned over and said to me, "Can't she think for herself?" The Moms and I get really irritated when women act like kids around their men. "Doesn't she have a damn brain?" the Moms asked me.

"No, clearly not. Look at the husband she picked." It wasn't nice, but that was my reply. I'm not Doris fucking Day. [Sorry. I know it's a shocker for you people.]

Of course, they had cornhole at the party, which I refused to play, because my ass isn't playing anything called THAT EVER. It's a goddamn bean bag toss. I NEVER EVER heard it called cornhole until the past few years. One of my gay friends told me that he has played "cornhole" more times than he cares to remember. EXACTLY. Cornhole my ass. [Ooops. That sounded sort of indecent, but, like I said, I'm not Doris Day. So those of you male readers who were planning on taking SB home to meet dear old Mom, might want to reconsider.]

The Elder Hostel party was BYOB, so I bought some traveller cups and a regular- size bottle of Merlot. Fifteen minutes into the party (after sitting next to Mr. Pussy Whipped and Mrs. Cold Complainer), I realized my damn mistake. I told the Moms that I was should have bought an ENTIRE DAMN CASK OF WINE.

I won't make that mistake again, believe my ass.

19 comments:

downtown guy said...

Cornhole and Beer Pong: two games Hank does not play. However, I am down for Circle of Death or Bocci Ball any day.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I'll keep that in mind, Hank. I like to bowl. Any game you can play at a facility that usually includes a bar, works for me.

birdpress said...

The first time I ever heard of Cornhole was in rehab. Totally weird. Is it an Ohio thing? Are you in Ohio?

Ms. Moon said...

Yes. Bowling is like the perfect sport. You can drink and eat hotdogs whilst doing it.
Poor Ms. Bastard- too young for the fun.

Syd said...

I never heard it called that either. It's played on the beaches here a lot. I like your statements about the party. You are funny.

downtown guy said...

I do not bowl. I am the world's worst bowler. The best I have ever bowled was something like a 15. People say, "Oh, you'll get the hang of it!" No, I won't. I never do. Bowling can go to hell.

Pool I will play.

miss alaineus said...

i can invent new drinking games for you and the moms.

drink to the left: whenever female relative complains

drink to the right: whenever male relative ignores.

social: everyone drinks when someone says 'great cornhole!'

xxalainaxx

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Birdy,
It's a mid-Western thang. Yes, I am in Ohio.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Hank,
I didn't say I was a good bowler.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Miss Alaineus,
Wish we'd have had you with us at the party of death.

downtown guy said...

I am actually bad enough that it is simply no fun at all. It's like getting hit with a small stick repeatedly.

Oh, and corn hole is popular in Florida, too.

lilacsandy said...

Hey, I could come with you next time, and we could argue that I should have brought a magnum of vodka and you should have brought that cask of merlot, but if you'd brought the bucket of damn shiraz like I said, we'd both have something to puke in when we were finished!

gingermagnolia said...

Cornhole is big in Indiana, too. I'd never heard of it before I moved here, but people (usually drunken college A-holes) have tournaments and shit.

Mr.Mischief said...

Miss Alianeus at a party is fun indeed :)

The Dish said...

I am in the midwest (IL) and we would punch a motherfucker for calling it cornhole. It is called bags, dammit.

Gloria said...

Loved it, laughed? I almost choked!!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Dish,
Bags is a new one on me. I always called it the beanbag toss.

Love,
SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Gloria,
Welcome! Thanks for the follow and your comments.

I'll check out your site soon. Please join us often. But I warn you that will make you part of our demented blog family here at SB.

Love,

SB

Petit fleur said...

Too funny. I like what Miss Alaineous said... I second that!