Friday, October 30, 2009

Excellent Obituary

Frederic Arthur (Fred) Clark, who had tired of reading obituaries noting other's courageous battles with this or that disease, wanted it known that he lost his battle as a result of an automobile accident on June 18, 2006. True to Fred's personal style, his final hours were spent joking with medical personnel while he whimpered, cussed, begged for narcotics and bargained with God to look over his wife and kids...

During his life he excelled at mediocrity. He loved to hear and tell jokes, especially short ones due to his limited attention span. He had a life long love affair with bacon, butter, cigars and bourbon. You always knew what Fred was thinking much to the dismay of his friend and family. His sons said of Fred, "he was often wrong, but never in doubt". When his family was asked what they remembered about Fred, they fondly recalled how Fred never peed in the shower - on purpose...No funeral or service is planned. However, a party will be held to celebrate Fred's life. It will be held in Midlothian, Va. Email for more information.

Fred's ashes will be fired from his favorite cannon at a private party on the Great Wicomico River where he had a home for 25 years. Additionally, all of Fred's friend (sic) will be asked to gather in a phone booth, to be designated in the future, to have a drink and wonder, "Fred who?"

[SB would have hung with Fred.]


white rabbit said...

I always liked the dying Voltaire's reply when asked to renounce the devil....

'Now is not the time to make more enemies'


Sarcastic Bastard said...

White Rabbit,
That is fucking great.

Sending love. Have a good weekend.


Mr.Mischief said...

That sounds like my kind of funeral!

The Dish said...

Fred, indeed, sounds like my type of dude.

downtown guy said...

My favorite eulogy was the one delivered by John Cleese at Graham Chapman's memorial.

"Graham Chapman, co-author of the 'Parrot Sketch,' is no more.

"He has ceased to be, bereft of life, he rests in peace, he has kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed his last, and gone to meet the Great Head of Light Entertainment
in the sky, and I guess that we're all thinking how sad it is that a man of such talent, such capability and kindness, of such intelligence should now be so suddenly spirited away at the age of only forty-eight, before he'd achieved many of the things of which he was capable, and before he'd had enough fun.

"Well, I feel that I should say, "Nonsense. Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard! I hope he fries. ""

Syd said...

This is priceless. I copied it to my Obituary file--I'm planning ahead.

Findon said...

Brilliant. Now here is a man who has excelled at achieving nothing. My kind of person.