Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Cocksucking Motherfucking Cat Was on My Back on the Goddamn Toilet

I am borrowing my language from Ms. Moon's fabulous post of yesterday at Bless Our Hearts. I am too goddamn grouchy and lazy to link to it, so go and find it (link to Bless Our Hearts is on the right side of this blog). Do yourself a damn favor. It's the post about her damn dogs, who piss all over everything.

Anyhoo, I was sitting on the goddamn crapper this morning, when the shitass kitten decided she wanted to climb on the middle of my back and park her shit. I was leaned over reading a Time magazine article about the meat industry and how those motherfuckers are poisoning us and the land all in the name of cheap meat. Fuckers.

Trouble was, Bella was so on the middle of my back, I couldn't get the little motherfucking cocksucker off. Finally, after twisting around to no avail, multiple cocksucking times, I straightened bolt upright, and Bella was forced to climb onto the back of the goddamn toilet. This was, of course, after digging her shitting motherfucking claws into the tender meat of my damn back. So now, I have a scratched up back, on top of being grumpy as a goddamn motherfucker.

It's raining here again in Buttfuck-fucking-Ohio, and since I have the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder for all you slow motherfuckers), I am about to open a goddamn vein. I have already growled (literally) at two dumb motherfuckers who dared approach my cubicle this morning. I even bared my teeth at one. They will not be back again soon. The next guy gets hissed at.

11 comments:

May said...

This is so funny! I just commented on Mama's blog that Lupita likes to get on my back when I brush my teeth! Don't tell her about the toilet trick, I just don't need that, especially since I spend waaaaaaay more time reading on the toilet than brushing my teeth.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

May,
I read your comment. That is what sparked me to tell this tale. It's just weird how our lives sometimes parallel.

I'm a toilet reader, too! My whole damn family are toilet readers.

Love you, SB.

Ms. Moon said...

One MUST read on the toilet. It's the law. But really- cats on the back while sitting on the toilet defeat the relaxing properties of the reading. Shut the cat out of the bathroom is my advice.

The Dish said...

I get pissed that I can never have the bathroom to myself. I have at least one other creature in there with me at all times. The door doesn't latch and the dog pushes it open with her nose. Leave me the fuck alone, dammit!

Rainy and dreary here too. Makes me hostile. Make sure you hiss at the next person that dares to bother you. Think I may do the same. I have already snarled at both maintenance men this morning! Fuckers.

Petit fleur said...

ouch!

BAD KITTY!!!
THOSE ARE MY CHEESEY POOFS!!!

jrains80 said...

Funny story. And I can relate to The Dish. When we had cats in the old house, the door didn't latch either, and one of them was always, always coming in...I don't know why? Sometimes one would sit on my lap while I went, making it extra hard to want to get up and leave. Reading material is always essential for me...I grab something on the way if I know nothing's there...or I read the shampoo bottle labels over and over again.

Love ya, Jenn

jrains80 said...

SB,
By the way...I'm getting the fucking white stuff here in northeast Pa. Would rather the rain, or none of the shit above. Why aren't we in Florida?

Love, Jenn

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Dish,
Good for you for snarling at the Maintenance Men. That will teach them!

Love,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Jenn,
I will read bottles while on the john, too. Desperate for reading material!

Sorry for the snow, man. My sympathies. It's colder than hell here, and I was just outside smoking and drinking a frozen coke.

Love, SB

michelle said...

I thought I was the only freak to read shampoo bottles while on the toilet.

I feel so much better now.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Michelle,
No babe, you're not alone. Not at all.

Love you. Have a great weekend.

SB