Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Dumb Ass Christians on Virginity and Shit

Our church practices courtship and this is how we do it: Prior to 18 the girls and boys are NEVER alone together. They do everything in group activities... group means 7 or more.. not an even number for pairing off and there must be an adult present as chaperone.

At 18, if two people are interested in each other, they stand before the congregation and announce their intention to court. The whole body is responsible for keeping them accountable. They can now go out alone but the girls parents must okay each session.

No later than 6 months later, they must either begin a 6 months counseling session for premarriage or they must separate (no harm, no foul). After the 6 months if they so desire, they may marry at any time provided the pastor who does all the counseling and the two sets of parents agree and give their blessing.

Our girls and boys have a 99% rate for total purity at marriage... meaning their first kiss was at the alter. We have a next to 0 divorce rate and the kids totally buy into this, they are not being forced.

jeaucamon

[I'm glad my ass didn't attend this damn church. And how do they know they have a 99% rate for total purity? Is there some kind of cooch check before matrimony? I want the church to stay as far away from my vagina as possible.

And, yes, Moms, I am talking about my vagina again on a public forum. I hope this doesn't mean you won't be paying for my wangs and beer tonight.]

16 comments:

Steph(anie) said...

Notice they didn't mention how many kids bail on that crazy freaking church.

Put The Lotion In The Basket said...

Hmmm I just thought of about twenty sexual things to do with six other people.
Do these people have no imagination.
Sad.
Nick
XX

doris bonkers said...

'I'm glad my ass didn't attend this damn church'.

You could always have sent your ass down there of a Sunday and the rest of you stay at home.

Could have caused a stir...

Ms. Moon said...

Sounds like a great set-up if you're gay or lesbian. Two guys or two girls together? No chaperone needed for that!

Syd said...

You crack me up--no pun intended.

J. said...

I like that he said the kids 'buy into it' they must have some pretty strong koolaid.

I'm all for having your community support your marriage, but come on, this is crazy.

Mr. NH asked how long they've had the program, one year?

j.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Nick,
NO. They have no imagination. Absolute zero.

I am so proud that you do though!

Love,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Doris Bonkers,
Welcome to our warped, but loving, little family here at Sarcastic Bastard.

Come back and visit often. Of course, that will make you part of the family. I feel it's only fair to warn you.

Love, SB.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ms. Moon,
Clearly (and thank the Lord Jesus), you are smarter than them.

Love,

Moi

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Steph,
Good point.

I loves ya!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Syd,
Damn, you boffins are quick witted.

Much love,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

J.,
Send my regards to Mr. NH. He asks all the right questions.

Love you,

SB

The Dish said...

I would like to know how you can ensure you are marrying the right person unless you can "test drive" them first. This generation has no need to stay in a marriage that doesn't work.

miss alaineus said...

i think it's a little nutty too.

i see nothing wrong with practicing self control and responsibility. in layman's terms, that means you dont have to fuck everything that moves and for the sake of health, use protection!!!! after that, it's about how an individual feels about their chosen level (or non level) of sexual activity.

*shakes head*

i see nothing wrong with the test drive theory. i think the whole chastity thing does more to mindfuck kids then just about anything else out there, besides the dare program (which teaches kids how to do drugs, let's face it). we need to teach kids a realistic model of sexual responsibility.

absolutes rarely work for anything except killing zombies.

xxalainaxx

lilacsandy said...

Amen sister! Hallelujiah. Ms Moon... they could be responsible for the popularity of threesomes?!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Miss Alaineus,
You are right. My hero, John Lennon, once said something like: The church is never going to keep kids from having sex.

I am so with him on that. He almost never lied about anything. I miss him so much. Can you imagine what John would have had to say about Bush and the Iraq War?

Love, SB.