Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Only Astrology SB Believes In

I basically think astrology is total bullshit, except for this. This list is spot on. I'm an Aries.

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

19 comments:

Syd said...

I really like this. It makes sense to me and tells me that I am not important--baaaaahhhhh.

Chic Mama said...

Haha....did you write this yourself??
I'm a cancerian.....not sure about the prison bit, now I'm worried.
Husband is aquarius- figures!!! ;0)) Thanks for making me smile. x

afk4life said...

SB
Lol Im Scorpio and and sorry that never gets even close most times. Murdered maybe I can see by a boyfriend who cant deal with the intensity which goes into everywhere else which kinda sucks cos ya I run hot for as many days as I can then I crash...I think you know why but if you need clarification email me. <3
Doug

downtown guy said...

"Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest."

My sister and I object!

J. said...

I guess I need to harden myself up for prison. Is there a list that says what kind of crime cancers commit to get there, or do I need a crystal ball for that?

J.

Steph(anie) said...

AH HAHAHAHAHA. Awesome. All Libra women are whores. hahahaha. ahhh.

lilacsandy said...

Er... I'm an Aquarius... thanx for that! I'll just climb back into my box where no-one can find me.... I'm a terrible person! :((

The Dish said...

Fan-fucking-tastic. I, too, am an Aries but I think Pisces suits me better.

nan said...

Well SB, I don't think you're a fucking jerk. I just think you have jerky tendencies. It's all in the way you look at it. :) I, personally, am nothing but a goddamned communist. Who knew!

Love ya!

gingermagnolia said...

Hahaha, I'm a cancer. Guess I'll always be a poor sucker!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Chic Mama,
No, I found this on the Internet. I didn't write it.

It DOES figure about your douche of a husband. Ha!

Love,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Doug,
I got you, buddy. Big 10-4. Over and out.

Love,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

DTG,
That was funny!

Love you,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

J.,
You need a crystal ball, baby.

Love,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Dish,
We are astrological sibs. Cool!

Love,

Moi

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Nan,
I would have pegged you as a damned communist. Spot on!

Love you lots,

SB

May said...

I do want to make clear that DTG and I object because we are both Geminis, NOT because we engage in incest. The rest of it is pretty much true.

downtown guy said...

What she said.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

May and DTG,
I'd love you guys either way.