Thursday, October 29, 2009

Taking Cat Love Too Far

Thanks so much for taking care of Rosie and Simba while I am gone! Please follow these specific instructions for their care:

On Saturday morning please open a can of food for them (I will leave the can out on the cart in the kitchen). Put half the can of food in one of the bowls (I will also leave the bowls on the cart) and the other half in the other bowl. It is very important that they are EXACTLY equal amounts it there is any variance at all Rosie get very upset and becomes inconsolable. And you know what that means.

After you have put exactly half of the can in each bowl and then put one bowl in my bedroom on the green floral place mat for Rosie and the other bowl on the green floral placemat on the floor in the kitchen next to the Platinum Drinkwell water fountain. At this time check the fountain to make sure it is working properly. You may want to take a taste yourself to make sure it is at a cool enough temperature.

After the cats eat (at this time they are allowed to fraternize together in the living room but please leave Rosie by herself in my bedroom with the door closed when you leave, otherwise the cats get into fights.) anyways, after they eat they like to be burped. This can be done by holding each cat like a baby on your shoulder and patting them gently, not too hard, until they burp twice. Each cat must burp twice. Sometimes it helps if you sing to them.

[And no, motherfuckers, SB did not write this shit. Fuck you for thinking that.

Admittedly, I do sing to my cats. They prefer show tunes and are very upset by my Marilyn Manson imitation.]

18 comments:

The Dish said...

Um, I refuse to burp a cat. Either one of mine would claw my eyes out if I tried.

I, too, sing to my animals. They prefer country.

downtown guy said...

The song I sing my cat, Baggy (to the tune of I'm a Little Teapot):

I'm a little Baggy,
small and black.
Just like my heart,
attack attack attack!

Syd said...

Nothing like anal retentive cat owners. But Pomeranian owners are probably equally as anal.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I SO love you, DTG. That made me laugh.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Dish,
I accidentally burped Mercer (the big fat cat with digestive issues) once.

I haven't crooned country yet. I know lots of George Strait songs though, because I have a HUMUNGOUS crush on him. His hat really puts me over the edge. Just kidding.

Love, SB.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Syd,
Probably.

downtown guy said...

Sometimes there are hand motions.

Sweden said...

im like totally weird about my cat, when i left for sweden i left a 3 page letter on how to take care of mango PLUS illustrations to go with it. lol i should have saved it, scanned it and blogged it. it was funny.

Indigo said...

I have too many cats to be that anal retentive. The only time I've patted down a cat, it wasn't to burp them. They had to be gently patted on the lungs to help shift the fluid and help them breathe due to pneumonia. Good gravy I love my cats, but it's a fine line to insanity with this woman. (Hugs)Indigo

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Sweden,
You crack me up!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Indigo,
You are the sweetest person ever.

Love you,

SB

Ms. Moon said...

This cannot be for real.

Changedit said...

SB, where did u get the note from i wrote to my neighbour, when i last went away????

muuuuhaaa haaa

love u xxx

Mr.Mischief said...

I'm trying to picture burping Miss Alaineus' cat, but I think I'd throw my back out..besides, her cat is perfectly capable of puking on heer own, no intervention required..

Nellie said...

Wow, I thought I was spoiling my dogs when I heat up bones and throw them on the kitchen floor for them to chew on. Call the MSPCA!

miss alaineus said...

that is pretty fucked up. kitty hangs by herself plenty, i have an auto water dish and an auto feeder dish and that's that. i do kinda know what an inconsolable cat sounds like/ and or does.

xxalainaxx

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Very funny, Changedit.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Mr. Mischief,
Are you implying that my dear Ms. Alaineus's cat is somewhat portly? Surely not.