Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Pass the Tomatoes, Motherfuckers

It's that time of year again, motherfuckers. My Indian blood is once again at war with my white-ass cracker blood. Only part of me can enjoy this time of year, because the other (Native American) part realizes that, despite the fact that my people helped whitey to survive in the New World, whitey turned around and fucked us in the ass by pillaging our land, raping our women, ravaging our tribes with disease, and basically shoving liquor and worthless land at us. As you can imagine, It's hard to enjoy the fucking turkey when this omnipresent second perspective is involved. Sometimes [Northern Exposure fans], I'd like to throw a tomato at my damnself.

[The Thanksgiving holiday and what whitey was ACTUALLY saying.] "Thank you for helping our cracker asses to survive in the New World. We couldn't have done it without you teaching us about how to grow corn and shit. In apology for building strip malls on the sacred land on which your elders are buried, here's some liquor and a reservation for you to enjoy. No--not a dinner reservation--an actual place called a reservation for your Tonto ass to call home. Oh, and should we find valuable minerals or oil on your land, we might appropriate that land, too, (our government gives us the right after all) and just move your inconvenient no-job alcoholic asses to a new reservation. But, thanks again for helping us make it here. We appreciate hell out of it. We really do."

I hope I can keep my turkey down this year. Pass the tomatoes, would you?


Steph(anie) said...

My husband's family is cracker/native hybrid too. They are white when it suits them and indian when it suits them.

white rabbit said...

Move to England. we don't celebrate it. Problem solved :D

wv: conis

Ms. Moon said...

May just said, "SB tells it like it is." We love you.
May and Her Mama

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thanks May and Her Mama!

Love very returned.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

White Rabbit,
Quite tempting, that. I love England. I lived in Wolverhampton for a summer (and no--it was not a punishment--I thoroughly enjoyed it).

Living in England would also give me the opportunity to meet Hugh Grant (or someone who looks and acts just like him), and then I could finally use my "the British are coming!" line while we're having sex.


Love, SB.

Anonymous said...

Amen and amen...

The Subversive Librarian said...

I love this post, and your blog. I lived on the Navajo Nation for three years, and (at least at the time) Thanksgiving was celebrated; that came as something of a surprise. But they definitely did NOT celebrate Columbus Day.

Syd said...

I like your version of history--wish that it would be taught in school.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Subersive Librarian,
Welcome! Love that name, by the way. Kurt Vonnegut thought all you libarians were subversive, in a good way of course.

I wouldn't celebrate Columbus Day either. Total bullshit.

Thank you for stopping by here. Please come back often. Join our delightfully warped family.

Love, SB.

Petit fleur said...

I've always felt this way about thanksgiving... Then one year my dad died on thanksgiving morning, which only added to the dark cloud surrounding this "holiday".

Don't even get me going on the whities crapping all over the natives. It truly makes me ill in my body and my spirit.

The only way I even make it through thanksgiving anymore, is to change the whole meaning of it, and make it a day totally focused on gratitude and giving ... not the bullshit historic celebration of pilgrims making peace with the savages.

Hope you had a nice day off of work anyway.
xo pf