Monday, November 23, 2009

Parasites: The Ultimate Battle for Human Supremacy

Happy Monday, motherfuckers! I hope all of you had nice, relaxing weekends. SB had a nice weekend (it's always nice when I can be at home with my kitties and pup and my high-def TV), but it was decidedly NOT relaxing.

You should see my poor hands this morning! I have a blister in my right index finger from all the Lestoil mop water and from washing my hands literally hundreds of fucking times (UNTIL THEY FUCKING BLED) to keep flea transfer to a minimum. Also, there were the literally 30-some loads of wash I did. I went through two bottles of laundry detergent. If it wasn't nailed down, my ass washed it.

I hand-mopped all of the tile floors, and on Saturday, I ran up the road to the vet's office for a second can of the over-priced flea spray, JUST TO BE FUCKING SURE. I vacuumed each fucking room over and over and over and even went around the cocksucking baseboards. I spent about 10 hours on Saturday cleaning and at least 6 more on Sunday cleaning. Mr. Clean can kiss my fucking fat ass. I never want to see that smug grinning bald motherfucker's face AGAIN.

To top that motherfucking cocksucking shit off, I ran a brief errand Sunday afternoon, and when I got back, I found that Ginger the Diarrhetic Flea-Infested Wunderkind had gotten up and laid on the couch while I was gone. The same couch I had painstakingly swept (under cushions and in crevices and shit) multiple times earlier that day.

Normally, I put high school text books on the couch to dissuade that bony bitch from taking a nap there. Of course, I had forgotten in my hurry to leave the damn house to put the damn books on the cocksucking couch.

To say that my neighbours probably had their hands on the phone to call the PETA after the way I yelled at Ginger's dumb ass for said couch nap, would not be a stretch. YOU GODDAMN DODO MOTHERFUCKER! YOUR DAMN ASS HAD BETTER STAY OFF THE FUCKING COUCH, OR I WILL FUCKING GIVE YOU TO THE FIRST FUCKING PASSERBY! So there. Poor old flea infested bag of bones. And then I felt guilty after my little temper tantrum, of course. I will see you in hell--next to the bonfire--toasting marshmallows into perpetuity to feed to the good Christian folks in heaven who gave their retirement savings to PTL. There will be an extra chair if you want to help a bitch out.

If any of those parasitic motherfuckers are not dead or on their way to dead at this point, my ass will probably hang myself. I am only half joking.

The whole process wasn't as bad as cancer, obviously, but I think it ranks right under that. It was definitely one of the WORST FUCKING THINGS SB has ever been through in her pathetic life. I'd put it on par with my divorce. Seriously.

SB is the laziest motherfucker on Earth, and to clean like that, is just FUCKING TORTUROUS. It is soul-destroying. HAVE I BEEN DRAMATIC ENOUGH? Okay, enough already. You get it. I'll drop the pity party, but I must add that now, of course, I will have to go home after work each night this week and vacuum the entire house because I will feel itchy iffin I don't. Also, I don't know when I can safely stop vacuuming on a daily-fucking-basis, so it may be akin to that fucker in Greek mythology, holding the fucking rock into perpetuity. That is our word for the day, motherfuckers: PERPETUITY.

Thank Christ, it's a short week.

16 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

I feel your pain. Reminds me of what all I did whenever the kids got head lice at school which happened approximately every three months, as I recall.
I think you may be overdoing it, but I will say that we all have our own comfort levels.
I wish I could kiss your poor blistered hands, Ms. Bastard. You know I love you....M

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thank you, my always dear Ms. Moon. Love so fucking returned.

SB

downtown guy said...

Jesus! My cat gets fleas, I dose her with that advantage stuff or whatever, the fleas die. The end. Do you have Killer Insane Cocksucking Fleas?

The Dish said...

Hold that chair next to the bonfire for me. I will need it after I am done driving the bus there.

Sorry about the weekend. That sucks so fucking bad...

Jennifer Rains said...

Had a similar episode years back with a little kit I brought home. It's the eggs you have to worry about. I had to bomb my abode with flea bombs, these cans you open and a spray of killer juice flies through the air. Of course, I had to take the kits to Mom's for the duration.Did it while I was at work. What a procedure. Hope it doesn't come to that for you.

Best to you,
love, Jenn

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Jenn,
I heard the bombs work, but my concern is my 3 kittens. I don't even want them in the residue of that, if I can avoid it.

Love you back.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Dish,
There is nobody I'd rather fucking sit with, sister.

See you there! Ha.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

DTG,
KILLER INSANE COCKSUCKING FLEAS. I am in awe of your description. What a great name for a punk band.

No, they are the normal variety. Actually, I read that the farther South you go, the harder the parasitic strain is to get rid of.
Therefore, you guys may have KILLER INSANE COCKSUCKING FLEAS down there.

It's just that Ginger had them literally hopping on her, so I am just being extra cautious in case they got in my carpets and furniture or something. With 8 pets, you sure as hell can't let the shit get out of hand. You know?

Love you shitloads!

Happy goddamn Monday.

Indigo said...

Sounds pretty close to my weekend being put out by the jackass that vandalized my car and smashed out my back window. I've had fleas with some of the strays. The worse is with kittens that are too young to treat.

They have a powder you can sprinkle into your rugs, that works pretty good. I can't think of the name of it at the moment. (Hugs)Indigo

Syd said...

Fleas are a major pain. I don't think that it gets cold enough here anymore to actually kill them.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Indigo,
I am so sorry to hear about this. I had my car broken into once, and by the time I was done with all the insurance bullshit, I wanted to beat the shit out of the vandals.

Love you so!

Chic Mama said...

Eewwww.....sorry, a reason i wouldn't have a cat. Poor you and poor cats. More work for you. Hope your hands heal quickly.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thanks, Chic Mama!

Love you.

Petit fleur said...

Hi SB,

I am copy pasting from DTG's blog on Palmetto bugs. This shit works. You can put it in your carpet so when you de=flea your pet, if there are any eggs around, when they hatch, they're toast. It will kill anything with an exoskeleton, and you can get it at most any garden center and maybe hardware store... AND... the best thing of all, it's DIRT cheap!

1. Diatomaceous Earth = a powder made of a layer of the earth that is composed of crushed up Diatom fossils. It is a desiccant and cuts through the exoskeleton of any bug(with an exoskeleton), drying it out and destroying it-even the clean up is easy cause they fall apart completely dry.
I have sprinkled DE in my house for years in Florida, even in rentals, and cleaned up my roach problem amazingly well. It's not poisonous to animals and people (but don't eat it- it's just not poison). It's white powder and so not messy and it doesn't attract new critters like sugar will.

Petit fleur said...

oh, ps I hesitate to laugh at your misery, but that was some pretty funny shit! The bit about the marsh mellow tossing killed me!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thanks, PF! Love you. Hope you're feeling all better.

Love, SB.