Friday, November 6, 2009

SB Is Still a Sick Motherfucker

SB is still sick today (we're talking physically here--not mentally), and I don't have much to impart. I am planning on doing nothing but some light house cleaning and lots of resting (AND DRINKING) this weekend.

I went out to take the dog for a walk (in the perpetual-fucking-darkness that now envelops Buttfuck, Ohio by 6:30) last night, and I tripped over a curbstone or some fucking shit, and now I am not only sick, but also limping.

Old age is a cocksucking motherfucking cunt bitch. My dumb ass can't even take a damn walk in the semi-darkness now (there were street lamps, after all) without injury. Next thing you know, my doddering ass will be falling down the steps in my house, steps which are extremely fucking tiny (because the house dates to the 1800s) and not made for big size-10 Sasquatch feet like mine. The stairs are a drunken accident waiting to happen, motherfuckers. Mark my words.

Also, there is a sloped ceiling in the bathroom, over the cat's litter box, and every damn time I go to scoop the kitty shit, I knock myself in the damn head when I stand upright. I'll probably concuss mydamnself eventually. Traumatic head injuries can trigger massive personality changes, you know. What if it turns me into an evangelical Christian or some damn shit? Jesus.

CAN YOU MOTHERFUCKERS SAY, "BODY OF AILMENTS"? Tis true. SB is a big fucking goddamn mess.

And that genius, Woody Allen, is right, there is not one damn recompense that I can find for getting older. Not one. And DON'T YOU DARE suggest that peace of mind is a recompense for getting older, because my ass does not have that.

19 comments:

Petit fleur said...

"Old age is a cocksucking motherfucking cunt bitch". You got that right! When I'd watch the Sopranos, I'd always crack up when Pauli called someone a "malignant cunt!" I just sort of think that's about as bad as it gets! yikes!

Rest up SB... I'm wishing you to get your ass well sooner than soon.
xo pf

downtown guy said...

Ever see the John Waters movie A Dirty Shame? I know what happens when you whack your head too often.

Syd said...

Hey, I hope that you feel better SB. I think that old age is going to be okay--if I live through it.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

PF,
Thanks so much for your good wishes. You are loved.

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

DTG,
No, but maybe I should see it. Love the guy.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Syd,
Thank you. You will be just fine.

Love,

SB

downtown guy said...

See it, you'll laugh your ass off.

Ms. Moon said...

Honey. You don't even KNOW what a motherfucking cocksucking bitch age is yet. I was walking into the post office the other day and an "old" woman was walking out. I noted that we were walking exactly the same BECAUSE WE WERE BOTH IN PAIN WHICH IS WHY OLD PEOPLE WALK LIKE THAT. Just you wait. Just you wait.
And watch your step because I love you.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ms. Moon,
I feel like I'm Paul McCartney's contemporary for some damn reason. I feel older than I am. Always have. This may be due to the depression.

The Dish said...

I just love being a thirty-something woman trapped in an 80 year old feeling body. It eats it from the ass in.

Hope you feel better. Watch your step, dammit!

May said...

Darling SB,
I think smart people whack their heads and fall down more often because we are busy thinking Important Thoughts. Also, if you are still sick, I suggest you drink lots of spicy bloody marys and screwdrivers this weekend so you're sure to get all of your vitamin C. I love you and hope you feel better soon.
Love,
May

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Dish,
I'll try and watch my damn oafish step. I'll try.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thanks, May May. That's my kind of helpful advice. I will go for the Bloody Marys. Love them.

Love you more!

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thanks, May May. That's my kind of helpful advice. I will go for the Bloody Marys. Love them.

Love you more!

SB

Changedit said...

The only recompense for getting old is getting more and more grumpy and not having to regret what you say :) Do you get the British series Grumpy Old Men and Grumpy Old Women over there?? When I watch that, I sit there and think: They so speak the truth.

I had the drunken stair accident twice already and I tell you, it's no fun. First time a broken wrist and carpet burns, 2nd time being found at the bottom of the stairs by a friend ... butt naked with my legs wide apart *shock horror*

Hugs xxx

Bethany said...

Ow, watch your head. Maybe find another place for the litter box? I would have already ended up conked out.

Mel said...

Shit you are funny. Keep bitching please, and try to stay safe on the stairs, don't stand on chairs for stools and reach for shit, pull your head out of the way when you slam a door, keep fingers out of closing drawers, expect shit to fall on you from high up shelves and look sharp, walk slower and try not to rub salt in your wounds. That's my approach, which includes alcohol and complaining.

It just gets harder which sucks completely. I'm bitchy and bitter, menopausal and I own 2 teenagers an underfoot needy cat and a stupid ass huge furry dog who has knocked me down the stairs and clipped me at top speed several times. It's a good thing I love him like a baby and the insurance covers the physical therapy.

So, be careful out there, shit is just waiting to go wrong and fuck with you. If I was sick on top of the owies, I'd be crying or needing to hurt someone. If I lived near you, I'd make sure you had some good chicken soup and tell you to rest. And move that cat box before you give yourself a concussion!

And I agree completely with mixing healthier drinks. I got on a vodka grapefruit juice, and fizzy soda binge that about gave me an ulcer, but I was cold free for months! I also recommend AppleJack and apple cider warmed with carmel syrup and whipped cream for dessert on cold nights.

I'm pretty creative with my drinking for someone with 64.1% of their life behind them, according to my kids iphone app, and it's probably way worse than that. I want an app for how much does your liver have left (as if it would matter.)

Take care SB, stay frosty out there.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thanks a lot, Mel. I'm with you on the app for who much liver we have left, but maybe I don't want to know. Ignorance is bliss.

Love, SB.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Changedit,
Naked at the bottom of the stairs, eh? Damn. I hate when that shit happens.

No, we don't get that show on BBC America. We do get Graham Norton, however, thank Christ. It is my favorite chat show of all time. Graham and I have a very similar sense of humour.

Love, SB.